My Version of the Sponsor Letter

     I hope it gets easier to step out in faith as I grow in my relationship to the Lord. You are reading the words of someone who left everything important to her (friends, family, college, a free house, and a steady income!) to move 3000 miles based on a dream my husband had. And it was scary, yet has all been worth it. Tuolumne County has changed my life, not just the mountain life I’ve grown accustomed to, but most especially, the people. We have been sown into like I’ve never known and I cannot imagine being anywhere without referring to Chapel in the Pines as my home church. That side of life has been near perfect. The part where we live and make money and do life as a family has not been bad either, but there have been several seasons where we have come into places of survival versus thriving, and it has limited us greatly in terms of following our dreams.

     When Paul and I first met, he wanted to be a pastor. That was all he really knew. The means, the denomination, and the voice he was supposed to have were all kind of up in the air. Slowly he started to change his mind and say he wanted to simply be an author. And then a speaker. And maybe he could travel and teach, but he knew that he did not want a church. One Sunday two years ago we were listening to the pastor from Mexico speak at Chapel, in Spanish with an interpreter. It was a really powerful message, and I don’t really remember what the context was. But at the end of the service he asked for some of the older couples and elders to pray over younger couples, and Joe Heisinger made his way to Paul and I. Once again, I don’t even remember the prayer! We got in the car after the service and exchanged our normal, “how was the service? What did you learn?…” those sort of questions, and Paul said, “Actually….when Joe prayed for me, God told me I was going to be a pastor.” From then on, that’s been in his heart. How? Where? Why? When? None of those questions were answered. But for two years now, we have held onto that promise. And we have knocked on doors. Paul has requested information from numerous schools around the country but the truth is, we have been so busy just surviving that we haven’t been in a place to just move. To just go and do what we’ve been called. I believe with all of my heart that part of it has been the wrong timing. And part of it has been lack of faith on our part. My sister recently chastised me about not having money to afford a family vacation next year, “just put $10 a week in a savings account and you’ll have the money to go!” and I was thinking, our entire life is just putting money away. That’s what we do. We save money, we pay our bills and our rent, we buy food, we give what we can, we save our money. What else is there? I am desperate for God to pull me out of this mix!

     So when Paul rolled over one morning and wrapped his arms around me and said, “I think I want to go to Bethel’s School. What do you think?,” my first thought was, yes, now please! Because I am ready for what God has for us. I am ready to start calling those promises from Him to fruition. I am tired of watching my husband sell cars, sit at desks, mow lawns, and make coffee. He is in no way above these jobs. It just isn’t him. And too long my thoughts have been, “just suck it up and do your job!,” but I haven’t yet found where the Bible emphasizes that. Because he isn’t thinking, “I love my job, I just have rough days,” it’s more like, “God didn’t create me to do just this.”

      So when people ask me now if we are going to Bethel, I say yes. Paul will find a job to work when we’re up there for him to earn money as he attends school. At this point, we are planning on having a roommate so we can afford rent in a 3 bedroom house. We’re just going to make this work because what else is there? I know God’s hands are on this opportunity because I know my husband and he is not a spontaneous guy, and I am not a spontaneous girl. We are so excited about this venture and I cannot wait to see what the Holy Spirit is stirring up in our life!

Paul wrote his sponsor letter and I teased him, “Where are the stories? Where is your heart?,” and I guess it’s because I am a story teller, and an emotional writer, so I wanted to take the time to write my half of the equation here. At this point we do not have the tuition in the bank. Have we lost our minds? I don’t know, and I don’t care at this point. We are going to Redding to start a new life, and I am 99.9% sure on faith that he will be in school this Fall. If you want to be a part of this venture, you can pray for us, and donate money towards tuition. It costs $4200 to attend school for a year. This is a two year commitment for us, although just like a regular school year there are various holiday breaks and we will be home to visit often (or at least I tell myself that!).

When Katie was sick, I prayed often for her healing because I cared about her and I didn’t think it was God’s will for her to remain sick. Once when I was praying the Lord just spoke to me and said, “this is much more than a prayer for healing, when you pray for someone you get to be a part of the harvest that comes about as a result of the breakthrough.” Huh…I have had that on my heart every since He spoke that to me. When I pray for people, it’s usually because I just want to see circumstances change. But I have since learned that in the Spiritual realm, as a result of prayer, there is much more going on then meets the eye. So I do believe that petitioning for prayer and support is more than just that, but an opportunity to be a part of what God is doing in our lives. I know I am Paul’s wife, but one of the things that drew me so much to him was his heart for God. I know God is going to use Him, like He uses all of us. My point is that I see so many gifts from the Lord in my husband, and half of them he’s not even sure what to do with. That’s where Bethel comes in, the knowledge of the Holy Spirit’s Presence in his life, and encouragement from others. We’re taking this turn. Paul said in his letter, “between the road where I am safe, and the road that I am unsure of and yet there is vision, I choose vision.” We have been waiting for this opportunity to open up for years now, and at this point, even Hell won’t get in our way.

I hate asking for money. Mostly because I operate in a poverty mentality (did I mention that I am so tired of walking in that bondage?) and I feel like asking for anything is asking for gold. But Paul keeps quoting to me Dietrech Bonhoeffer, who said “money is dirt,” when people he would lend money to would desperately thank him. He didn’t care and I want to be that person. I also want to trust God, who has everything, that He will provide. Another couple that recently moved to Bethel received their tuition in full the week after they applied, and I have walked to the mailbox every day to look for a check. And I cried the other day because I told Paul, “I’m not sure if I’m doing this because I have the faith that the money we need will come in, or because I don’t have the faith and I want God to show me a miracle.” I still don’t know the answer. I know God will probably do things very differently for us and so I apologize for putting Him in a box probably every single day.


I have to get back to life. To kids, and my house, and wiping poos (I hear Sonora calling from the bathroom, “All done Mommmmmmy.”), and I am trying not to stress about the fact that Paul hasn’t found a job in Redding yet (although he can transfer with Starbucks), and we have no house. Please keep these pursuits in your prayers. Also that God will go ahead of our move and prepare a support group of spiritual parents, grandparents, and friends for me!

If you wish to donate, Paypal is linked to our bank account. Also, you can send a check to Paul and Summer Krismanits at 16682 Sallander Drive, Sonora CA 95370

Now…that little girl with the poo bottom is still waiting on me!

A Grateful Mommy

      Today was a good day, but stressful. My wonderful, gracious husband let me sleep in this morning, but that did not slow down the day. I had to be at the Pregnancy Center at 2:30, and I didn’t get out until after 5:00. After picking the kids up at the in-laws, speeding home (and realizing upon arrival I didn’t defrost meat for dinner), and trying to get everyone situated I just wanted to scream. Especially because “situated” in our house now means that I have one kiddo on one countertop, and the other across the kitchen on an adjacent one, each calling out, “What can I do?,” “How can I help?” My mind screams, “You can help me by getting out of the kitchen!!!,” but really, what would that accomplish? So we had some leftover meat in the fridge and I was able to throw together some burritos….Daddy’s favorite. And since he is my favorite Daddy, I like to bless him sometimes, even if it’s more work for me, and my kids actually end up eating peanut butter toast for dinner because burritos won’t be ready by the time they are ready for bed. But dinner time rolled around and Daddy didn’t come home, so I finally thought about checking the phone and sure enough a message was waiting for me- he’s working late! So now bedtime is all mine! And the kitchen is buzzing with burrito preparation that now only I will get to eat.

But Jake was so tired, he curled up in his bed perfectly and didn’t even ask for a story. Sonora never lets me off easy. I put her in the crib and she says, “Rocking chair me, please!” Oh yes, who can say no to that? So I rock her, put her down in the crib, and realize I fixed her ice water in a juice cup that will leak if it lays on its side…except she is NOT willing to give it to me. She did go right to sleep, and it was upon tip toeing back into that room and slipping it out of her mighty toddler grip that I didn’t want to slip away quite as fast as I did when I put her down. Because she was so beautiful, and precious, and I couldn’t believe she was mine.

I had ice cream on the brain so I went back down the stairs and saw that Jake’s room door was open, which means he must have attempted to sneak out and play in the hall without my knowledge (and he succeeded, I wasn’t aware he’d been playing out there), but when I went to check on him he was curled up in his bed with a messy blanket display. And again, “this is the most priceless job in the world.”

The other day I got to speak to an abortion vulnerable girl who decided on her own that she really wanted to keep the baby. So I said, “we’re both on our third baby!” I don’t know why, but it comforted her. She said, “that’s really cool that we’re pregnant together.” I could feel Corrie moving around and I was thinking how she was part of this harvest. My “Courage girl.” I love her so much, and I am so grateful that God gave her to us.

(Corrie as a seedling...she's definitely got her arms and legs now, I can vouch for that!)

So this blog is just one of a mommy’s thankful heart. I love those guys. They are hard work, and they wear me out. Especially tonight, it was one crazy thing after another. But I definitely wouldn’t trade them for anything in this world.

Parenting Jake....The Learning Curve

“Mommy, won’t you please come lay with me?,” came the raspy little tired voice from the cracked bedroom door. I really wanted to sit on the couch and read a book, or blog, or anything else but be trapped in a 2x4 foot toddler bed with a toddler and 5 pick up trucks. But I consented. Why? Because I’m smitten with this guy. I know that I look tired and perhaps detached in this picture, but my heart was never the same after this day.

　

　

I knew the secret of parenting in this picture. It’s true, I knew everything it would take to be a good mom, and a good wife, and raise successful children in a broken world. I had all of the answers, somehow, until now actually. Now sometimes I feel as if I’m floating in a sea of parenting books. I own probably a million, and I read roughly 1-2 a month. Sometimes a week. I would do anything for Jake, including smush myself up against the wall of the toddler bed in order to cuddle with him, so pouring over parenting books instead of Francine Rivers is really nothing for me. But trust me, I don’t think this has anything to do with me being a good mother. In fact, the more I learn, the more my kids grow, the more I grow, the clearer it becomes to me that I really don’t know what I am doing. I think sometimes when I meet young pregnant girls not quite ready to have children, shouldn’t they have to fill out applications to have children or something? But I’m not a hypocrite. Shouldn’t I have had to do something to prove that I could do this parenting thing? I feel incredibly unworthy of my “gifts,” Jake and Sonora Grace.

I have all of this on my mind because parenting Jake has been difficult lately. And in my distress, I’m really not comforted by mothers whose 4 year olds are already reading, and taking pre-school exit exams, and speaking different languages, or all of the other things I’ve encountered. I’d like to think one of the things that I consistently do right with Jake is not to push him into things he isn’t ready for. We have never jumped on the toddler trend wagon, but I still question if what I am doing here is the right thing. I know that parents go through seasons that are more difficult than others, but I just can’t understand how Jake’s behavior changed so quickly because I used to call him “the easy one,” but now my tantrum throwing, “NO” screaming, two year old is the easy one. I have wondered if it’s simply because she has a cheeky smile and bouncy curls, but Jake has never tested me. And his grasp for independence lately has had me begin to question everything that I thought was true about parenting. Do you want to know what I thought? My plan was to give him a solid family identity, with consistent discipline when needed, and a foundation to build upon for his faith. That was my plan. Sounds good, right? Here lately it has felt like I’m not holding it all together like I should. Paul has been working like crazy, and when he’s not working, he’d really like to be relaxing. He spends time with the kids, don’t get me wrong, that is his favorite job of all. But it has been more difficult lately. So I’m doing either wake up shift, or bedtime shift by myself more than several times a week and the transition has been difficult for all of us I think.

I read a portion of a book recently that said that a child’s self concept is completely developed by the time he is 3 years old. That sentence really put me in my place: I’ve either blown it, or gotten something right. I honestly don’t know, I have been fearful lately. All I know is that I just can’t bear to lose his heart. I have to hold onto what I have with him, and that is simply us. I cannot say if pregnancy has somehow corrupted our happy mix, if only because I am more tired. Or that Daddy’s working more, while Mommy is potty training a two year old (I really can’t use that as an excuse, Sonora is potty training herself!), and Jake may kind of be the odd man out in this season. I am trying to hold this together the best I know how, but something has changed in that little guy’s face when I say, “please don’t do that,” and it’s anger. How can a 4 year old be angry? Is that a dumb question? 

The last week has been better with Jake, although it is still not easy. I have literally been afraid to take him out in public by myself because if he doesn’t listen to me, the dangers are just endless! But I would say that the last five days have been really good. Here are some of the changes I have made:

1) No computer for me while kids are awake. None. Not even if they are occupied, doing something on their own.

2) I actually went to sleep before 10:00 last night. I am someone who requires a GREAT DEAL of sleep to function. Staying up until Daddy gets off a closing shift is something I do regularly (even if I am dozing on the couch when he walks through the door). I can’t say this is a habit or anything, but I felt pretty good today after getting a whole night’s worth of sleep (even though my instinct was to spell out “hole knight” instead of “whole night.” Yeah, I’m kind of tired).

3) Time, time, time with him. Jake’s love language is quality time. It’s been incredibly obvious since he was a young guy. And he doesn’t want you to invite him to do what you’re doing, he’d rather have you play trucks, tractors, and chase him pretending to be a deputy when he is the bad guy. I can’t say I enjoy these manly games, although Sonora is taking to them quite well, which worries me extensively! Not only that, but we’ve started officially home schooling. I kind of dabbled in it before because Jake really wasn’t showing interest, but here lately, he has just loved having one on one time with him. Several days ago we did a Bible study, and then some numbers, and pencil holding, and then afterwards he got to color. I stood up from the table and he said, “Mommy, where are you going?” (This was before my internet fast!). It touched me that he wasn’t quite done with me yet…even though I’d been there for 30 minutes with just him So I plopped right back down in the toddler chair, and we kept on working.

4) Staying busy. I am not sure if anyone else has a son like I do. I’ve heard boys are rambunctious and rightfully so, they are boys! Jake, on a scale from 1-10 is probably an 8. He wakes up with the sun on a regular basis. If you put him to bed at 7 or 11, he will be up at 6 am. And he goes all day long, playing as hard as he possibly can. This is why I am home schooling him, I can’t imagine him in a school setting. It’s been said to me that he should just learn to adapt, and it would be good for him to practice self control. The theory is right to me, but the application makes me laugh. Jake wants to be outside as much as possible. He is sometimes trying to escape by 7:30 in the morning….So yes, I am probably somewhat embittering him with my snide little, “no, mommy does not want to go outside, not everyone likes to be up at the crack of dawn, Jaaake!” But last week we stayed busy. I had a Mom tell me once that the secret to good parenting is to be happy at home. We live next to a busy road, in a 900 square foot cabin….I have been getting him out of the house as MUCH as possible. We went to the park twice one day (in the morning, and in the evening) because I just couldn’t take the craziness in my house. I think that has been helping. Park day is every day. Now that the pool is open, I will not bypass any opportunity to get him out of the house! It has been so good to see a smile on his face when he’s running across the park or splashing in a pool.

5) Food. Comparatively, I do little. But I am willing to do as much as I can. We have cut his sugar intake in half. I don’t really think it’s changed him, but I’m not going to pile on the sweets either! Ideally, I have wanted to take him off wheat, and dairy, and sugar and just see what happens. But Daddy things it’s a dumb idea, so I just have to trust him. We have really changed the way we eat in terms of oils, snacks, and meal time. My goal is to not put “empty” food in them basically, to have a reason for everything I give them. I am trying to move away from processed foods, but if someone gives me a loaf of bread with high fructose corn syrup in it, I don’t turn it down. I want to get better, I want to move towards a lifestyle where I am self sustaining, and making everything from scratch with whole foods. I’m not there yet. But we are on the road I think. I try to do live cultures with both the kids, fortunately for me, Jake LOVES ginger ale and I try to keep it in the house on a weekly basis. Like I said, I don’t see a huge difference in him when I change up foods….but we have never been radical. That’s what I mean to say. And it’s worth it to me to change things around slowly. To my knowledge, the only thing that slows Jake down is to stay as busy as possible.

6) Consistent discipline. I am all about discipline. Before I had kids I watched parenting shows for fun. I’m the girl who reads 17 parenting books a year, remember? But I have gotten slack.

Mommy: “Jake, you cannot hit Sissy in the face with your stuffed animal?”
Jake: “Mommy, Doggie was kissing sissy!”

Mommy: “Jake, I already told you to not throw around the curtain rod, you are going to get someone in the eye!”
Jake: “I didn’t mean to, that was an accident!”

Mommy: “Jake, that’s it, you’re getting out of the bathtub for dumping a bucket of water on the floor! I told you five times not to do that.”
Jake: “Mommy, no, I promise I won’t do that again!”

Mommy: “Jake, please turn the water off.”

Jake: “I’m doing something.”
Mommy: “I know, I said turn the water off though.”
Jake: “Why?”
Mommy: “Because I don’t want a mess, turn it off!”
Jake: “I’m not making a mess, I’m just running bath water for my doggie.”
Mommy: “Please turn it off.”
Jake: “I don’t want to turn it off, I’m almost done here.”
Mommy: “TURN IT OFF NOW!!”
Jake: “Why you gotta be ugly with me? I just washing my doggie.”

These are not hypothetical scenarios. It’s just the way I let things spiral out of control, and I don’t stop the first offense. And I listen to excuses like crazy. So I have been trying to get better at that. And believe it or not, even though I would consider myself to be a discipline guru, I am no good at it. But I cannot afford to be bad at it! And Daddy has a good point…Jake always seems to be better behaved around him. Daddy doesn’t buy excuses quite like me.

7) Consistent prayer. Do I pray for my kids? Definitely. Do I lay hands on them and intercede on their behalf on a regular basis. Not exactly. But here lately I have felt like it is my only option! It’s the most solid place to turn when I’m scared and not sure what to do next.

So I am trying. This is a desperate cry from a Momma who sincerely cares how her kids turn out. I was telling someone recently that my goal for Jake is that he gets through this life with peace in his heart, knowing that he is a good man. Is there anything more precious than peace? Aside from grace, that is. And I need it! I do want advice, I want to have a teachable spirit. I have felt so condemned right now (by myself!) that it has almost been harder to hear from parents my age, with kids Jake’s age, who I perceive to have gotten everything right. But if you want to tell me how you’ve been through a hard season and worked through it, I would love encouragement. If you’ve had “busy boys,” I’m ready for anything you are willing to share. Oh yes, willing is an understatement.