The world would split open." So this is my feeble attempt at shaking the foundation. A glimpse, at least. And above all, an invitation to hope.
I was an unplanned baby to a very young, and hopelessly human pair. My father had grown up for part of his life in abusive foster care, and the other part with an adopted family that loved him well. It is my understanding that he was far beyond saving. Even as a young father, he was wrought with bondage and addiction, and had very little contact with me as I grew older. My mother was young, and following a soon-after-marriage divorce, she faced rebuilding her life as a single mother. My sister was the product of an abusive relationship which marks some of my earliest childhood memories, my mother with a bloody nose. Though a rocky beginning, there is a vein of faithfulness that runs through my life and it is my loving, devoted grandparents who kept me most weekends and took me to church. I adore them.When my sister and I were in the middle of our elementary school years, my mom met a man who is a true to life superhero, AKA our step-dad. He stepped into a sea of uncertainty, really, and decided he could bring us all some peace. Despite his exceptional character, neither him nor my mom practiced a living faith. They had both been wounded by the church, and neither were impressed with the institution's fallibility. Though they were giving, they were not forgiving. Nor do I remember much affection in our home, but chaos. Shortly after my parents married, my mom was diagnosed with a painful, chronic condition known as Fibromyalgia, and I remember her battle with this well. Back then, I didn't know how to love my parents, if only because I desired their love in a tangible way. The problem? We needed Jesus! As the bitterness welled up within, another storm brewed: fear. Darkness became my enemy, and I lay in bed at night petrified to turn my lights out. I was soon medicated for what we learned were panic attacks. Anti-depressants granted me a degree of relief, but fear followed me into much of my adult life.
The good news is, well, the gospel. I came into contact with it while in high school, a friend invited me to youth group. While this gave me a new foundation to build upon, I certainly never dealt with the former (and had no idea that I should). While I was saved, I allowed myself to be consumed by religion. It was in itself an addiction. Grace was not a concept I knew existed, allowing shame to invade at every mishap. Although I was unstable, I was grateful to know God in the facade sort of way I had found to relate to Him. I figured if I were good enough, He would keep loving me, and that was enough.
I have found that facades successfully exist in bubbles, or controlled environments. College demolished mine and introduced me to a variety of moral-less vices that seemed to coat my shame, and increase it all the more. This lead me far from God, who I thought was eager to smite me. While in a toxic, non-committed relationship, a positive pregnancy test at the age of 20 was my rock bottom. Now I know this is the most glorious place to be when one is searching for Jesus!
Glorious is how I would describe this time in my life. In a MOMENT of consecrating my life to Jesus, I was INSTANTLY delivered from entrenched, habitual addictions I had participated in for years. I love instant breakthroughs. In this season, I found myself getting to know and beginning to love my parents, really for the first time in my life. While on the verge of what would have been a violent divorce, they had recently begun to attend church, and Jesus restored their marriage and lives. The timing could not have been better. As I was searching, they had already found, and ushered me right in. I was baptized at 6 months pregnant, along with my entire family! When my son arrived, it felt like he belonged to all of us. At 17 days old, a viscous respiratory virus turned pneumonia threatened to take him. In this, doctors discovered an underlying symptom of acid building in his blood and attributed it to a less common metabolic disorder. The testimony that we have in Jake, our now healthy, WILD with life 8 year old, is that God totally healed him. When he boasts of super heroes that "save the day" I remind him that he is pretty special because he saved my life.
As a single mom, a loving husband was a great desire of my heart. When Jake was 3 months old, I was watching the Lakeland Revival on God.tv and I heard God tell me that I was going to meet a good man who would care for me, and raise my son as his own. Well, I met Paul the very next month! We were married within the year. He found a job selling cars, while I returned to school for youth ministry. Life changed though, as it often does. My husband had a dream about revival coming to California, and he mentioned it once, "You wanna move, maybe?" I was wholeheartedly on board for a great God adventure! In 2009 we made the move. Oh, how I fell in love with this state! However, my heart remained torn as I missed my family. For many years I have navigated the sting of homesickness.
Though my husband has repeatedly given me the most accurate portrait of a Father's heart I have ever seen as I watched him father Jake as his own, we exited the honeymoon stage fast. My fear (remember that mess?) was raging as we took hold of our destinies. I was petrified of the dark. I also warred with frigidity, no doubt related to my lack of fathering in early childhood and memories of sexual abuse. With no hope, so I believed, I explored counseling through our church. With inner-healing, I found freedom like I had never known! I have not been medicated for panic disorder in over 8 years, and have also found total freedom to enjoy intimacy and embrace trust. I share these two victories as I enjoy seeing others set free from these strongholds. The blood of Jesus is indeed mighty to save, and nothing is impossible with our God!
I began volunteering at our local crisis pregnancy center, and visited a community high schools with a team of other volunteers to teach about abstinence, and also what to do in cases of unplanned pregnancy. In all situations, we wanted to inspire hope and offer love to those in pain or confusion. I witnessed hundreds of ultrasounds, and my heart was ruined for justice for the unborn. I was given the opportunity as an Options Counselor to meet with some of the most vulnerable young ladies, and encourage them to choose life for their babies, as I had only several years prior. Though I had certainly found my niche, my husband was feeling the call to attend ministry school. In 2012, we moved our family to Redding, California for my husband to attend Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry. He attended the first and second year program, and it was the experience of a lifetime. While we were attending, we received the devastating news that my husband's parents had been killed in a car accident. Navigating grief in faith is a significant part of our journey, an ongoing journey. I am glad we were in Redding during this process.
As my husband's graduation date approached we both felt the stirring of the Lord to leave Redding. It was a whirlwind, really. God highlighted Texas. If I had time to tell the story, you would see there was no way around it. God brought us to Texas. I drove 5 in-a-row, 8 hour days, with 3 young children in the backseat while I was 7 months pregnant. If that doesn't stamp me as a person of faith, I don't know what will!
So now we are becoming involved in a new church, partnering with a small group to see Heaven manifest right here on Earth, raising four children, and piecing our life back together one day at a time. I homeschool, and my honey waits tables at a prominent country club in this little retirement town we ended up in. I love it here. For the millionth time in my life I can say that God knew EXACTLY what He was doing. Our family has seen God move in extraordinary ways and we expect no less than His goodness, as He cannot help but be a good Father. Hallelujah! I may look like a frumpy housewife (no getting around that) but I believe I am raising up my 4 blessings to CHANGE THE WORLD. Yeah, I have an important calling. We worship and war in the spirit on a daily basis, and stand on a legacy of continued breakthroughs. If you are curious what my parents are up to, they currently rehabilitate minors rescued from sex trafficking. I love them so much. My mom still struggles with her chronic pain, but she is truly victorious in her mindset and her faithfulness to God. I pray she will be healed!
Somewhere in the midst of it, in the "brutiful" life, I am also picking up the pieces of my own humanity and consistently submitting them to Him, who works all things together for my good. I am His fragile clay jar, but the cry of my heart is that He would shape me and use me for his purposes. My daily prayer is, "Empty me God, and fill me with you."
I love to write. I love to drink coffee. I love healthy food. And in my spare time (haha), I love to get my hands dirty, plant seeds, wait on God to do His part, and gather a harvest in due time. It's beautiful, and pretty much the story of my life. Praise be to God!
