Ten Years of Parenting

Several months ago I was interviewed by an entrepreneur friend with questions about parenting.

I’ve thought of posting it on my blog as a sort of “Parenting Compilation," and since today marks the day I have officially been parenting for ten years, I thought I'd share and add an additional tidbit on what I wish I knew back then. Oh, man. There's a lot [Insert weeping emojis]. Here are my thoughts:

1. What are your hopes for your children? What are your fears for your children? What’s the biggest challenge to those hopes?

My highest hope for my children is to be grounded in the goodness of God, convinced of their identity, fulfilling outrageous purity of character that sets them apart from the rest of the world. I want my children to dream big and do what God has put into their hearts to accomplish. I want them to cultivate mindsets at war with fear. I want them to feast on the buffet of life (that’s just the picture I got, haha)-- I want them to swim far out into the ocean, climb tall mountains, taste foreign foods, watch good movies, find something that makes them care so much they cry, and confront injustices that make their blood boil. I want them to exasperate their senses with experiences that make them love life, drawing them nearer to their Creator. I would say my challenge to these hopes is simply the world we live in that values performance over passion, and welfare over risk. As a home school mom, I struggle with how much emphasis to put on traditional education beyond basic reading, writing, arithmetic and history because I recognize that character is at the forefront of what my kids MUST learn. So, I guess that is the challenge to the hope, that I’ll focus on one thing so much to the neglect of another.

As for my fears…...oh man, that’s a rabbit trail!! Ha! My greatest fear is definitely that my children would miss their identity. So, then I’m sitting here wondering the last time I really hammered home identity to my kids….and, I struggle a lot with the feeling that I’m not doing enough, or missing the mark, sort of what I mentioned above. There is no rule book to parenting, and I think that’s good because every child is an individual and must be raised to their individual “bent” (that’s actually what the scripture “Train a child in the way they should go...” translates to). It’s just, without a handbook, we’re really just winging it with relationship as the foundation. It’s good stuff, but even so, relationships are tricky. AM I SCREWING UP MY CHILDREN? There’s my fear.

2. What are some resources (books, articles, videos) that catch your attention in regard to parenting?

I am a huge fan of parenting books. In fact, I’ve gone through seasons of reading 10-12 a year. Right now, I’m closer to 2-3 a year because I’ve really found what works for our family. That being said, I really like books about personalities, books about giving children choices, books about loving children well, Holy Spirit led parenting, and in general, I love reading stories about other families. When it comes to articles or videos, I really like listening to home schooling material, about un-schooling, reading-based curriculum, and how that works. There is a lot of fear in me for un-schooling, which is teaching the basics and letting children pursue their passions full-steam ahead in their teen years. There is a fear that my kids will come to me one day and feel they weren’t given all the opportunities they desired, when actually my motivation is to open wider the door of possibility. So, success stories and encouragement are helpful. I also like reading blogs where parents are vulnerable about their issues with a little dash of hope thrown in, it makes me feel like I’m not so alone at navigating this thing.

3. As your child has grown, how have you adjusted or changed your expectations?

Absolutely. ABSOLUTELY. Haha. I think I began with a very perfectionist attitude, wanting my kids to be little robots because I thought that made me a better parent (or at least appear a better parent). Now, I don’t really care what people think about me, as long as my children feel loved, seen, valued, and happy. I am way more concerned with the heart behind disobedience than actual disobedience, if you catch what I mean. If a little person snaps at me, I want to know what I did or how someone else hurt them that put a little splinter in their heart, causing them to react. I KNOW my kids. When they disobey, it’s a huge red flag for me because it’s so out of character for them. People ask me all the time if parenting gets easier, and I don’t think it gets easier, I’ve just gotten better at it. Most parents will tell you they basically experimented on the first child, and poor Jake, we absolutely tested a bunch of theories on him (All the wood spoon spankings...). I used to shower my two year old in cold water when she had a potty accident. Now, I shudder when I recall my old parenting tactics!! Currently I have a 3 year old NOT potty-trained, and I could care less. I’m sure she won’t graduate high school in diapers. And, the same goes with home schooling. I started out with a very tight, organized curriculum, but it felt like a prison, and I felt ashamed of myself if I didn’t get enough done. Now, we really love reading and making notebooks. It’s much more sporadic, and I don’t care if my kids are reading on their grade level because I’ve seen how fast a child can grow in a subject when its the right timing. We’ve had seasons they’ve been behind, and currently, they are excelling in reading and writing and I haven’t changed anything in the last two years.

4. What’s the most rewarding part of raising children? What’s the toughest part?

The most rewarding part is definitely the fruit of what you are growing. It is so fulfilling to see my kids love on other people, or play well together. My children bicker, but it is way more obvious that they love one another. My son had his first sleepover a couple of months ago, and the parents raved at what a good helper he was, offering to carry in groceries, and whatever else they asked him to do. Apparently he even scolded his friend, “You should be nicer to your sisters.” (I felt he was a bit hypocritical there, haha). When there is a bully, my son is the first to find an adult and fully divulge the entire situation (in true-tattle tale fashion), but he has a very low tolerance for meanness. Same with my daughter. She stayed with a friend when I had my last baby, and they jokingly asked to adopt her. Those compliments make my heart want to explode. It’s the reason I put in so much work.

The toughest part is the sacrifice of time and energy. There is very little sleep involved. More than anything else, though, it’s time management. This was a great illustration that helped me understand my own dilemmas: When you are a parent, you are both the boss and the employee. You decide what must get done, tell yourself what to do, monitor your breaks, and are responsible for life running smoothly. On the other hand, you are also the employee, so you must do all the things you decide must be done. There is a huge dilemma between self-control and self-care. On one hand, you want to be productive. On the other hand, you can enslave yourself to productivity and forget you are also a person who must go home at the end of a long day and rest (and I mean that metaphorically, haha. As a parent, you get rest whenever you freakin’ get it). I have many, many mom friends and we periodically meet together and discuss this time management thing: like, how do we get everything done we must get done and still have time for ourselves??? The only answer I’ve found to this is that self-care and productivity ebb and flow. I may have a productive day on Monday, so on Tuesday I take some time to read and write. I realize, then,  all I want to do in my life is read and write, not change diapers and never sleep, so I continue to read and write on Wednesday and Thursday. Days in, I realize I cannot survive in a house so distraught, and I do four loads of laundry and take my life back Friday and Saturday. That’s sort of what works for me. I’ve tried schedules, but it’s been hard for me to stick to them, for whatever reason. Just not my thing. But, I struggle a lot with having my needs met, and trying to make time for myself is difficult.

Moms need a ton of encouragement not to give up.  

Additional input: 

1) Parents need parenting, too.

So much of my early parenting stemmed from a place in me that just wanted to get it right. My striving and performance had more to do with results than healthy, happy people.

That being said, little heathens are not healthy, happy people, so I’m not advocating neglecting discipline. I am referring to a couple things here:

A) If you have wounds in your heart from the way you were parented, consider meeting up with a counselor to discuss your pain. Forgive your parents. Even those with darn-near perfect parents have had to practice forgiveness. You aren’t doing your children any favors by parenting FROM a place of pain. The best parenting wisdom I've come across simply in process is the truth that what I say and do is a reflection of what I think and believe, it's the overflow of my heart. It's important that my heart is pouring out the truth of what God is saying about my life, about my husband, and about my children. 

B) Please realize that if you are a child of God, that is your first and foremost identity. The performance of your children is not a reflection on your value as a person. For a long time I felt that if my house wasn’t clean, or my children weren’t well-behaved that I was a bad person. The kind of person that might be known as a failure. But, no, no no. I am a very valuable, loved, seen, treasured person. My best parenting comes from that place, the place of belonging to the Father. For me, the love of the Father has never been an excuse to not parent, if anything, it’s where I learn to parent well.

2) You can’t control your kids.

I think this was the most revelatory lesson for me. 

Sometimes you’ll see well-behaved children and the truth is, maybe there is a degree of control at work. It’s only an illusion though, just until the child is 12 or so and mutters their first “Make me,” and then the parents will see that they were never really in control, just big people with wooden spoons.

Around here, I tell the kids I am not their boss, they are their own boss. My job is not to control them, it’s to control myself. And, their job is to control themselves. Just like the world, our home has boundaries. They don't want to comply to no screaming, they can go outside. If a moment comes when they poorly control themselves, this is really a golden moment for discipline and correction.

How do we discipline?

At this point in the game, I feel we have about a million options. Maybe an extra chore? Maybe they sit in their room alone for awhile? Maybe they’ll copy the Bible? Maybe they have to issue an apology to whoever they hurt? In general, the closest to a natural consequence to their behavior I can find. I want them to clean up the mess they made.

We have been known to spank young children in moments of outright rebellion, but it’s not to control them as much to remind that bad decisions have bad consequences. If I could go back 10 years, I’d spank about 85% less. There’s a place in the tool belt for it, but not the front pocket.

After a consequence has been administered, nothing beats a good conversation on character.

3) Fill your home with love.

Recently I was triggered by a vow I had made, a vow that I would never get behind on laundry, and my house would always look like a page in a magazine. I could feel myself breaking down as, like a game of whack-a-mole, every time I finished one chore, another would appear in its place. I kept feeling this overwhelming sense of defeat, and it was confusing to me because I knew I was loved by God, and I knew He was pleased with me. So, why was I being so hard on myself?

I realized I believed that if my home was clean, my children would feel safe. Safe to play in an open space, safe to gallop down the hallway without tripping on a sideways rug, safe to sit at the table with no crumbs interrupting their schoolwork. I heard the Lord whisper to my heart, “A clean house doesn’t make kids feel safe. Love does.” It stopped me in my tracks because I had been grumpy in my pursuit of the never-ending whacking of moles about the house, metaphorically speaking, and not even seeing my kids. So, yes, my house would probably make Joanna Gaines faint, but we have our strengths as a family, too. We play games and read books and tell outlandish bedtime stories and have about a thousand, and growing, traditions that make our family special.

So, my point here is not to neglect your home. My point is, do everything in love. Anything that leads you away from love should be attended to in prayer.

4) Run the race well.

The Bible compares living for God to a race. I used to run track and cross-country in high school, so I am well-aware of the discipline required to run well. Hot or cold, rain or shine, we were on the track. There is nothing passive about running. It strengthens every muscle in your body. In the same way, I feel parenting works every bit of me, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally- it’s all being built up, torn down, built up, torn down. Sometimes it’s monotonous, the scenery unchanging. Sometimes you have no energy left, but you have to sprint. The truth is, if you aren’t being challenged in life, are you really running well?

I know this is a hard statement, but I’m allowed to say it because faith kicks my butt on a daily basis. I am stretched so thin, it baffles me that the Father regularly whispers to me to keep going, run another lap. That being said, for every lap you take on, you grow. You grow and grow. Parenting doesn’t get easier, but you do get better at it, IF you are willing to grow. If you are willing to admit you might not know everything. Keep learning. Keep asking questions. Sit under mentors.

I can promise you that parenting with fear in your heart is like carrying weights as you run.

Parent with victory blazing within, see the finish line, and tell them what you see. “Kid, you’re going to change the world.” If you really believe it, if you’ll chase after that finish line, they’ll follow close behind.

Like most of life, the journey to where I am now has been a process. I can wrap it up in a pretty bow, a neat word like testimony on top, but the process was a messy one. Kind of the way I wrap presents, with janky scissors and cheap paper. As a young parent, I was always trying to make something look good with the worst of tools. Books that preached obedience right away, the value of a wooden spoon tucked in every crevice, and the emphasis on the fear of God that motivated children to honor their parents. Now, I just want my children's heart. I want their hearts soft before me, just like my heart is soft before Father God. Yes, that looks like discipline, but it looks more like being a human showered by grace, like real life, like being a family and loving the good, bad, and ugly in one another. It's the freedom to try new things, and fail, and try again. WE HAVE FAILED MANY TIMES. But, that's how I've arrived at so many of my ideas. Trial and error. Grace and mercy. Love, and more love.