Dreaming...

Yesterday I decided that I was going to get out of debt. I declared war. I sat down and wrote out the budget as I was aware of it, and erased from my memory plans of cruises or mini-vacations with my husband. I started dreaming bigger. Because when you are in debt your money does not belong to you, it belongs to the people that you owe money to. How well I have come to know this.  It's barely anything compared to "normal debt," it's basic school debt in a bad job market.  Unfortunately debt is no respecter of income, nor lack thereof. I found out that budgets are a testy thing when you don’t have income even if we are ok and make more than enough to survive with unemployment and supplemental income. Still I’ve been discouraged.

This blog isn’t about debt though, it is about dreams. Because every time debt stands in the way of one of my dreams I let it get me down. I let it crush me to the ground and suck all of my joy away because I might actually have to be patient for something that I want. I let the enemy tell me that if I dream of something more, I must not be content. I must not be responsible. I must not be a patient person because I have hope for my future. I spiral downward into this sort of empty bog where I except where I’m at and dream no more. And it is a sad place to be.

Jesus says not to worry about tomorrow. Not to worry about tomorrow’s needs, how well I know this scripture. But I don’t dream about my needs. I dream about the things that are written on my heart, these places, and persons that not for one second escape my consciousness. I want to have more children. I want to buy a house with land. Yes, I want to put all of my future children out the back door and not worry about them getting hit by a car if I’m not staring at their back of their little heads constantly. I keep thinking about what faith means, “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for…,” and I wonder if I have the faith it’s going to take to realize my dreams. I guess because I know that if these things are going to happen it will take a miracle. It’ll take God’s special touch on my health, and His famous dead-raising power over our finances. And I believe in miracles. Don’t I? By God’s grace, and without it I’m desperately in trouble.

I have been praying that if my dreams are not His will for our future that they would kind of disintegrate away. That I would stop thinking about these things. Please God, I want to stop dreaming. But He says no. He says, Don’t you know that I have these things for you? And like an ungrateful brat on Christmas morning I jump up and down saying, “When?! When?! When?!!!” That is how I feel. But God doesn’t feel this way. I know this because I was in turmoil about all of these mad desires in my heart that I can’t suppress and He told me exactly where to go, Mark 7:9. It resounded in my spirit and I turned there at once and found this:

Matt 7:7-11

7 "Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.
9 "You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? 10 Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! 11 So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask Him.”

So I cried of course because God’s word touched my heart in an intimate, all-knowing kind of way. And I praised Him not because He can give me what I want, or so that He will be inspired to make my dreams come true, but because He loves me and He wants to bless me. Because He has a plan for me. And just like I can’t always give my kids exactly what they want when they want it (like candy…I think Jake asks me for it multiple times a day). I know that God keeps timing in mind. Sometimes He just wants me to dream bigger.

I think it would be easier if I could just stop thinking about it. If I could just have it erased from my memory.  Then again, it’s fun to dream. And when I’m disappointed (negative pregnancy tests…lack of a job for Paul), well I have to remember that I am praying for God’s will. That He does know best. That His heart for us, for right now is to be good stewards of the things that He has provided, abundantly. But by all means, He wants us to dream.

With that in mind, this is the lady that’s got my mind all turned upside down. It’s got me in prayer about my future and God’s will. I want His will, I do. I just dream of owning my own house. Putting money into something that will belong to us. Having chickens and goats and maybe a cow (my kids really want a cow). I want to decorate something that will last (it’s hard for me to get motivated to “do my thing” in a rental…so much time and money!). The door has been shut for buying a house, and yet, I think about it. I pray about it. And let me say, I love our rental now! I am so happy in our sweet cabin. I love everything about it except the reoccurring feeling that it’s not mine. That I should decorate now because I might be here five more years. Or I shouldn’t waste my time painting the kids bedroom because I might only be here for 7 more months. But I am happy here.  I am content, but I won't stop dreaming.  My dream house.