I need to put dishes away in the dishwasher. I also have about ten shirts on my living room chair to be folded. My kids shouldn’t be needy for attention because mom and dad have been around all morning, but as soon as I sit down at this computer chair, they congregate around me as if I’m doing something radically cooler than they are. Which I am, watching Shrek 2 on the touchpad for the umpteenth time is exhausting, for me anyway. But I can’t seem to just go about my chores without writing some musings on my part.
I mentioned in a recent blog that Paul has applied for school at Bethel’s School of Supernatural Ministry. I am not sure what that means for us. I probably shouldn’t be in a state of confusion since we haven’t even heard back yet (we are waiting on one more reference!), but I can’t help but to want to scheme.
I think everyone will relate when I say that as Paul and I were courting, he was always dreaming. He wanted to be a pastor, and a writer, and a teacher, and I was in full support of every ambition because I knew he had what it would take. But somewhere along the lines of being a young, married couple with children we found ourselves in survival mode. And since then mommy has moved into frustrated mode because I dreamed too, and I am not big on survival mode. I am big on getting things done mode. Maybe it has to do with my “pull yourself up by the boot straps” southern mentality, married to Paul’s Californian “just take a day on the beach to cool off” mentality when the going gets tough. Not that Paul doesn’t have ambition, let me quote one of his regulars, “I am almost thirty, that is plenty of time to do whatever I want to do!” I am sorry to all of you post thirty, but thirty does not sound young to me. Thirty was the age that I planned on having four doctorates and four kids by. Anyway, as iron sharpens iron, I think it is safe to say that I have chilled out significantly, and Paul is more and more convinced that if he has a dream, there is no time like the present.
So for the last two years especially, I have been sort of tapping my fingers against the kitchen table at dinnertime asking him, “ok, so when do you think you’ll go to school?” and it’s been hard because his only answer is something vague like, “it doesn’t feel like the right time to me.” And maybe it wasn’t the right time, but I don’t care to look at timing, I just want to do something. Recently Paul and I had what I like to call a “come to Jesus moment.” God has miraculously provided for our every need, we are so blessed. I have to say, I am extremely happy where we are at in terms of “life as we know it.” But dreaming complicates things. I got to this point where I saw life around me, and it looked too normal. Daddy’s working, paying the bills. Mommy’s raising kids. We are sort of settled. Shouldn’t we be doing something at this point?
This is all pretty humorous to me because when I married Paul I had every intention of staying in my hometown where I was born and raised for the rest of my life and being happy there. Paul would talk about going to see Europe and Israel and Africa, and I would think, “what’s the point?” He would tell me that he could tell I was an adventurous person, and I would laugh at him. I am the most normal, homebody person that you will ever meet! But something switched on as we drove through 14 states to move to California. I loved every second of it, and now my heart craves MORE, MORE! So I approached Paul about possibly moving. We’re too settled now…let’s do something wild! Didn’t we have dreams at some point? And Paul said that he has been sort of thinking about going to Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry, and I wholeheartedly agreed that we should move right away. Not just because I am hungry for a change, and hungry to learn more about the heart of God, but I have been desperately wanting to see my husband’s heart stirred for something big, and for the first time, I see it!
I decided to write because the other day, all of my haughty ambitions were kind of shattered by reality. I looked around at my darling cabin. We are super happy here. Paul mentioned one more time, “I love my job here.” Paul actually sort of likes what he does. Paul glanced at our bank account, “seriously, you can not spend anything this week if we want to stay on top." We are still somehow in survival mode. So it finally occurred to me as I was rocking my daughter to sleep in our quaint, country bedroom, Have we lost our minds? We are happy here. We are doing ok. Our kids are happy here. We are unbelievably happy with our church. We love our friends. Have we lost our minds?
I honestly don’t know. All of the sudden the prospect of moving to a new place in two months, though we have no where to live yet, is frightening. Paying for a tuition in which we do not even have half the payment in the bank seems irresponsible. Transferring to another Starbucks, even though Paul is happy where he is at, is daunting. I failed to mention that school will be in full swing in September and I have a baby due the first two weeks in October. And I know two families in Redding at this point. Neither of them know my kids. So yes, though I have been bouncing around in joyful anticipation of an acceptance letter, and running on pure adrenaline, I definitely started to talk to my worldly frame of mind about all of this and started feeling a little crazy.
So I wanted to blog. I wanted to write this down because that is how testimonies work. I write what I need for something to happen, and I watch God perform miracles in His will. Then I have it here, what I once needed, and what God provided.
So if Paul gets accepted and we decide to move our entire lives to Redding, several things have to happen. We have to have the money to go. Not just money to attend school, but extra in the bank so we can survive on a part time income. We have to have a place to live where we can afford, that is not in the drug/crime scene preferably. A successful transfer from one Starbucks to another has to happen. Once we get there, we have to make friends, and fast. Maybe not something that you can plan, but we have to make it happen since we soon have a baby arriving. Every single step along the way has to be a divine appointment. So yes, I am starting to feel stress. I am fighting that word worry with every bone in my body because that is definitely not the way to handle the future in the Kingdom of God.
The wisdom of others in our life is to “just wait.” Wait until we’re more settled, wait until we have more money saved up, it’s only another year. It feels like we’ve been waiting our entire marriage to do something that paves the way to the sort of future we know God is calling us to. Maybe another year won’t hurt. But I can’t help but to feel like another year would be torture.
So here we are, waiting to hear back from the school. I am praying that our last reference gets in today because waiting for an answer from the school is stressing me out. Looking at houses on Craig list on a daily basis is stressing me out. Not knowing the future is stressing me out.
Still, when I go to the source of who started all of this stirring, my great and powerful God, the still, small voice says over every Craig list ad, “I will open every door for you. I will open every door for you.” How? I got home several days ago and saw hundreds of spider webs strung from post to post in the most obscure designs. It was just strange to see so many, and the Lord spoke to me, “What do you see here?” And I thought to myself how everything was somehow connected, though it seemed so far apart. “Networking,” He answered. I’m kind of tucking all of these words away into my journal and blog so I remember who is orchestrating all of this, who will have to orchestrate this whole endeavor for it to happen. Here is what that looks like:
God, I trust you! That wasn’t so difficult was it?
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