I really love my husband. We met online and knew weeks into our phone relationship we would get married, and 6 months later we were. I don’t think being married for five years makes me an expert at marriage by any means. I just wanted to be real and honest about marriage, about my marriage in specific. First off, my husband is awesome. I tell him all the time, and still not enough. We have scaled giant mountains together, not literally. Our marriage is full of public displays of affection, love letters, back rubs, and early mornings of playing footsie in bed just because. Over the years we have fought for, and cultivated a very healthy and busy intimate life together. We thoroughly enjoy one another's company.
So many Christian marriages are like the covers of a magazine. We see them on the outside, but wonder what’s written in the pages behind those pearly white smiles and intertwined fingers? In seasons of struggle I’ve looked to them and thought, “Well, we’re just different than they are,” or “They were meant to be together, and Paul and I aren’t.” So these are my pages for whoever is interested [and I have my husband's permission to share].
I have pondered divorce because my heart has been so broken by something said or done. I have felt like the loneliest woman in the entire world. I have been depressed. I have been bitter that my husband would not take me seriously, especially while sick, tired, or afraid. I have been bitter, period. I have been whisked away into the empty words of another man, simply because he called me beautiful and wanted to hear my story. I have pondered in my head what would happen to my kids if I just gave up one day and flew off to be me, to be the person I might have become had I not married Paul. I have cried myself to sleep, imagined myself jabbing a butter knife into the disc drive of his PS3 because I was so jealous of it for his time and attention, and begged God as I screamed into a pillow, “why did you choose Paul for me?”
And I’m not innocent, by any means. I could find a fault in the Mona Lisa if I wanted to. I have criticized constantly, glared, been passive aggressive, and exploded. I have nagged. I have been a master manipulator, gifted at guilt trips like you cannot imagine. I have faked headaches so I didn’t have to go to bed with my husband. I have clung so tightly to him, literally strangling his independence and forcing him to just be who I wanted him to be. When he refused, I made sure he knew what a weak man he was. I crafted my words into shiny daggers and sent them flying. I leaned into the comfort and spoils of my family during difficult times, and made sure my husband knew he wasn’t enough. I pushed him away, and wondered why he would not fight for me to come back. If he tried to romance me, I would use it against him to get my way. I would keep a wall up over my heart so when he came to me, I could not feel just enough to give him what he wanted and get what I wanted too, with no strings attached.
I could give you the right answer and say that we just chose to stay married. Or we are so holy that we submitted to God’s will and that’s the only reason we stayed together. Neither of those candy coated answers are entirely true. The truth is, we just held on for dear life. Sometimes it was because I thought it was the right thing to do, and nothing more. Mostly though, we just learned to repent well. We sought help at the end of our rope. We kept telling ourselves that we didn't believe in divorce, even if it felt like a prison. We have tested so many marriage books and theories on our problems and the most useful wisdom we found was to submit our partners to God, but mostly to submit ourselves to Him. We don't have a perfect marriage, or even a completely hostile-free one, but it is no longer destructive. It is no longer combustible. For quite some time now we have been purposeful with our love and in pursuit of full freedom and identity in Christ. From there we have enjoyed the fruit of a functioning, happy marriage. Yeah!!
If you have found yourself unhappy in marriage, but determined to make it work, figure out what needs you have as a human. This is what has literally saved my life, not just my marriage. Start praying through what God must satisfy, what you need from your spouse, and then what friends can offer. There will be skeletons in the closet clouding your judgement. When little light bulbs start flashing all over the place, “I’ve been expecting my husband to determine my worth, and that’s God’s job!! No wonder I got snappy when he said my soup I made for dinner wasn’t the best he’d ever tasted. That really hurt my feelings. It’s a good thing I know who I am in Christ, I’m awesome!” [true story] Then you get to repent for tossing that skeleton on your husband and hoping he’d sort it out for you. It’s not your spouse’s job to figure you out, I have learned. Once repenting, someone will need to forgive. Remember, forgiveness is more about what is happening in your heart, not the debtor.
These ideas are really the culmination of multiple marriage books, conferences, and classes. One time we were asked to be the table leaders at a marriage conference because we had been married longest in our group. I whispered to Paul, "We have been married the longest, and that means we enjoy being married the least!" So you see, our marriage has ebbed and flowed through and around many trials. It reminds me of those awesome men who live in the wild with nothing but a knife, we've just gathered tools and wisdom along the way and figured out how first to survive, and then, how to survive really well. It's really hard to get your love tank full if you don't think you deserve to be loved. It's really hard to respect a man if you were exposed to abuse at the hands of a man as a child. Someone can tell you it's a Biblical mandate all day long, but the first step is being free. As Paul and I have pursued freedom first and foremost, we have found tremendous breakthrough in our marriage. There is a depth to our love for one another that we've never before experienced, and it has flowed from vulnerability, willingness to accept responsibility for our [sometimes negative] actions, and a repentant heart. I thank God every day now that He gave me Paul, for his the greatest gift I have ever been given besides my own salvation.
Here’s the fast track of our not-so-flawless, but functioning wisdom for marriage issues:
1) YOU FEEL ANGRY (Sad? Lonely? Afraid?)
2) Ask yourself, WHY? If you’re not getting anything, ask God why you feel this way.
Did your spouse do something wrong, or did he/she just poke some playful jabs at your skeleton? Be sure to dig deep, usually the answer exists somewhere far away, like when your mom told you to wait in the car as a child while she ran into the bank, and got stuck in line and didn’t come back for 30 minutes and you were terrified you had become an orphan. Ah, now it makes sense why you freaked out when your husband went out to buy milk and saw an old friend and didn’t let you know he would be 30 minutes behind schedule. [That is not a true story]
3) If your spouse did something wrong, you might approach him/her kindly and mention that what he/she did was truly hurtful, and in the future you’d really like to handle the situation “this way.” No accusing, just guiding and reassuring that he or she is not “in trouble” with you. This step is not my strong suit, but we all have permission to be in process sometimes.
4) Most of the time. For me anyway, it’s usually a skeleton acting up. So I get to REPENT for blaming my husband for my fear of men. Or blaming him for my fear of finances not coming through. Or blaming him because I am scared of not guarding my heart. Oh, so many skeletons.
5) Once you’ve repented, it’s time to ask FORGIVENESS. Sometimes I forget to do this, but it’s really important. Please forgive me for attacking you over our finances. I trust God to provide for us.
6) You can do what you want after all has been said and done, but I generally recommend time together, in bed. Sometimes people will pick fights just for this one thing. I’ve never done this, or anything…
I’ve come to terms with the fact that sometimes people really don’t want to be married. These people have given a marriage their all for many, many years and drawn from empty wells within themselves to give towards someone who is totally unresponsive. My heart goes out to them! I’ve known women (not as many men…probably because I am a woman?) who were so precious and beautiful, I couldn’t imagine how they survived in such ruthless marriages. I just have to add that because I’m not perfect, or holier, or more special to God, or anything like that. I don’t deserve a trophy because I chose to love, and you don’t get yours rescinded because you chose to love and it didn’t work. What I have learned in my experience, in a marriage where both of us have a lot of baggage to work through, but neither of us are so hardened beyond repair or abusive to one another, is that it’s so worth it. Those mountains we once scaled are now the backdrop to our marriage. We can sip on a cup of tea and look out over the view, “Remember when that mountain owned us?” Now we celebrate them because they make us who we are. Each and every one has paved the way to our very satisfying love life, the romance, the cheesy jokes, and most of all, a safe place in the arms of one another. I love my husband. Marriage is truly worth the fight.
We highly recommend books: Love & Respect, Keep Your Love On, and Sheet Music
Marriage Class: We have taken 2-3 classes through church and enjoyed them, but LAM definitely impacted our marriage by teaching us about vulnerability and addressing our needs.
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