Stability.

Today, I cried. No, I wept. I yelled at my husband and told him that my life as it was had to be his fault. Before I married him, my life was pretty predictable. I daydreamed of a grand adventure to come, and Paul promised it with no problem at all. Boy, has that come to pass! We have moved across the country, then multiple times in the county we finally resided in. Again, we felt God pulling us to Redding, and we gave away more than ¾ of our things, and eventually moved into a house with a couple we had met on the internet- we didn’t meet them until move in day. Halfway through our year, we packed our things again- what things we had left, and moved again. Paul is nearing his graduation day now (we moved here for school) and suddenly I have decided adventure isn’t for me. Three children later. Two states, and five house later I feel done.
Now my heart’s cry is stability. I’m looking at my husband like, “You accomplished adventure. Do you know how to do stability?” There is no doubting my approach is rough and accusatory, I am working on that. It just happened fast.
One day: Let’s be dandelions in the wind!
Next day: Please plant me somewhere.
On this crazy adventure we have been on, I have seen many, many miracles. Money has come anonymously, close to $5,000 over the last couple of years. Food, worth probably the same, has been left on our doorstep. We have been honored for our sacrifice to go anywhere, or do anything God has told us to do. God has shown up, and the other day I decided that I don’t like that lifestyle anymore.
If you haven’t had a miracle, it will change your life. The breakthrough will change your life when it comes, but the tension leading up to it will break you into a thousand tiny pieces. You will spend a lot of time on the rug in your bathroom- assuming you have a rug, sobbing into a handful of cheap toilet paper. You will gather an arm-full of your children onto your lap and tell them everything will be ok, and only barely believe it yourself. You will love your roommates sometimes, hate them sometimes, be surrounded by people only to feel incredibly vulnerable and lonely because in the midst of an adventure, you’ve grown all too aware that nothing lasts long in a cyclone. I feel like my life has been a cyclone, and I’ve ridden the wind with all my might and learned to love it. I prayed for it to get crazy sometimes. It taught me faith, trust, endurance. It filled my house with children I couldn’t afford without a house that resembled a shoe box. In that place, I learned to be grateful for how everything knit together…usually at the last possible second. The other day we had another miracle- MIRACLE. Not a “please give me money…” and a “here ya go” from a friend. We went from being deep in a hole, to back out on top. Usually I would dance or something, but on that day, I cried some more because it has felt like the grace for this season has slipped away.
Now, I am ready to own my own furniture- not rent a “fully furnished” house where I am paying to store my landlord’s ripped and scratched and stinky junk…of which half is being stored on the back patio for backs falling off chairs, and tables tipping sideways from screws come lose. I want my pots and pans back, where they are sitting in storage. I want my winter clothes, and my favorites boots, and all of the things I left behind for adventure. I want Paul’s parents things in my house…not packed away for a later season. I feel like God is preparing me for that season, and in waiting, I anticipate another great miracle- perhaps the greatest of all, we will find stability.
Why am I writing all this? To remind myself what this feels like. It hurts- the tension before a miracle, it’s like there is a groaning in my spirit. I look to Paul, “fix this!!!!” and he shrugs because there is nothing we can do. We have done this for so long and God has absolutely never failed. This time though, I’m not asking for a quick move, or the stirring of a new passion, or for money to buy bread- I want a completely new season. I want to settle down. I want to give my daughter a princess room, and my son a superhero getaway. I want to buy something new for my baby. I want to have another baby. I want to live in a house for 24 months.....wouldn't that be beautiful???  I want to see my husband happy at a job, because he’s an amazing man with an incredible anointing. I believe in him. I am writing this in response to the tension, to quiet the new stir- God is going to come through. I don’t want to forget how grateful I am for provision, for miracles upon miracles from a good Father. What sounds like a crazy season was God’s answer to our prayer- we wanted a wild life. We wanted a mighty testimony, and if you haven't heard it, flip through this blog a bit. For the better part of this journey, we have thrived. Now, I am dragging my feet through sludge, so this is my chisel in a stone….God is doing something so big in my life right now. I refuse to surrender to that bathroom rug, I am choosing to stand tall and believe He is going to do more than we can ask or imagine. Stability, here we come.