. 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed...."
I have so little to say, but somehow, opening my mouth (or laptop rather) and proclaiming that God is always faithful, no matter what happens is the only thing that will bring solace to my heart. He is faithful, He is faithful.
My family is alive and well, and there can be no better riches than that. It is not even riches that I am after, just the words from Him, "I will provide your needs." It is a faint whisper coming up against a blaring blowhorn: "you will not be ok." The one that is hardest to hear, most difficult to follow, and tempting to ignore- that is at times where we have to go, and what we must listen to, if we know what is best for us. I am just at the point where I have to throw my hands in the air and say, "just do what You are gonna do, Lord," not spitefully or grudgingly. I have a feeling that is exactly where God wants me: surrender. It just isn't easy.
When I think about trials, it reminds me of how it used to be when I ran cross country. The first mile is always the hardest. Usually by the second mile my legs go numb. The third mile I think I'm going to die. When I see the finish line, it is like I can't do anything but keep going. All of the sudden, the fact that I'm literally delirious and in so much pain that I cannot feel my feet seems to not even matter because there it is, a rainbow bursting from it, the yellow line in all of its concrete splendor. A surplus of energy overwhelms me, where does it come from? I love it. I cannot say what happened today for fear of harsh judgement, but it really felt like the finish line was in sight all day until a certain incident. It's like someone tripped me and I fell face first into the pavement. BUT, it doesn't change how close the finish line is, just how long it will take me to get there. Stupid enemy.
Faith isn't an issue, it's "wait upon the Lord" that gets me all crazy. We had our study group at church last night and going around the circle we were asked to complete this sentence, "I feel like God doesn't love me when....," and the truth is, I never feel this way. I know He has my best interests at heart, that is the TRUTH. That is all there is. When these trials push to a point of when Paul despaired of his own life (I'm certainly not at that point!), I am reminded to give thanks no matter what because at least God cares enough about me to want to see me grow. I know many do not share this way of thinking, but if it isn't so, then things are a lot worse off than I imagine.
