May 13th, 2010- a day that came and went, forever changing my life. That was the day that my first daughter was born. My firstborn was a boy, one that I love and have repeatedly thrown myself into his world to connect with him. So many times there is a wall in front of me and I knock it down with a stern self-talk, I will spend time with my boy.
But, Sonora Grace is completely different. I love to spend time with her, we giggle over goopy eggs and slimy mushrooms while we make dinner, and take turns eating raw cabbage right out of the bowl of prepped coleslaw. I invite her almost everywhere I go, for fun. We have a solid parent/child relationship, and there are boundaries- one minute we’re laughing together, the next she is over my shoulder and on her way to the bedroom for time out. I can hardly stand to be without her though, because I know her. I miss her. I want to help her figure herself out so she can be happy again, it is my greatest joy as a parent.
A folded down toilet lid is the perfect perch for a toddler watching momma get ready for the day. Sonora sits on it several times a week and watches on as I brush my teeth, comb my hair, and apply my makeup. I usually brush her cheeks with powder, and allot us each a mist of body spray. Usually, she is content just to watch me. Sometimes she makes small talk and I happily engage. The mirror captures the majority of my attention, and Sonora, perched on the toilet watches me, her mirror. I am who she wants to be, doing the kinds of things she wishes she could do, so I kiss her nose and say, “Very soon you will wear makeup just like momma, but right now you are perfect the way you are.” This morning our routine commenced and she was raking her fingers through my makeup bag, and retrieving different items I needed. She found pink nail polish and nearly fell off the toilet lid, “MOM! I found pink nail polish! Will you paint it on both of us?!” She was elated, and I pouted, “I don’t have time for nail polish, honey. We’re in a hurry.” She kept rattling my makeup bag and pulled out two matching earrings, which I didn’t even remember I had. She stood up on the toilet seat and held out the dangling [faux] diamonds, “Mom! You should wear these in your ears today!” For a moment I wondered if my pierced ears would still tolerate earrings. She dropped one behind the toilet, where I warned her to retrieve carefully, as her brother frequently misses the water when he aims. She giggled, grabbed the earring, and washed it in the sink. “Here, Mom! Wear it!”
The idea of wearing earrings was annoying. Painting my fingernails sounded like torture. I know I conveyed all of this simply through my body language, and Sonora just sank back onto her seat and made faces. It made me think about her, so full of creativity, and a portrait of pure femininity. She wants to paint her nails. She wants to wear earrings. She wears skirts everyday. Then, there’s me, a total female failure. What really struck me is that I used to love those things. I used to really care. It’s not like I stopped caring overnight either, I have just trained myself. I have just reevaluated what is important to me, and what isn’t. Even though I used to love painting my nails, hence why I own a million colors, I just haven’t had time. Even though I love doing my eye makeup for 30 minutes, I’ve dropped a few stages from my routine as the “Hurry up, Honey! We’re late!” became more frequent, and that has happened with more children. We’ve also been very frugal in the last few years, meaning my makeup has typically been the cheapest I could find. Some people don’t care, and that’s fine. The truth is, I actually do care, I just laid that part of myself down. I stopped getting haircuts. I stopped wearing earrings. I stopped wearing eye shadow, and toner. I stopped caring. I realized as my daughter was watching me, eating up my every move, startling at pink nail polish and clutching my old earrings, that somewhere deep down I was her and it was really painful that motherhood had caused me to give that up. Especially since my kids don’t need a robot to raise them, but a real person, who has likes and dislikes, emotions, and preferences. Tears pooled in my eyes, and I thought to myself, I really want to embrace femininity again.
I was thinking about frugality as well, its one of my excuses for buying $1 synthetic brushes, and frequently using the same lipstick I wore the day I got married, which was 5 years ago. I wondered if I actually stepped out and bought nice makeup, if the money would be there. What if makeup is a need? Sure, it doesn’t put food on the table. But really, can our heart have needs? I guess I could argue that my heart needs a $500 Louis Vuitton bag, but that’s actually not how I feel. I am grasping for pieces of my DNA that God specifically crafted, and realizing I’m not living in its fullness. I love being feminine. I love to look beautiful for my husband. I love to have my little girl look up to me. I love spending an hour on my makeup. And I actually, with a passion, hate the makeup I use. It is so cheap, and makes my face break out, so I try not to wear it unless I want to look nice. In my heart, I am a little girl, who loves to wear sparkly dresses, strappy sandals, and trendy chunky bangs. Today I rescinded the decision that it’s too hard to be me, that it takes to much time to let myself do things that I enjoy. I didn't do it just for me, but for Sonora and Cori, who I want to teach to value themselves, not for vanity's sake alone, but for letting that little girl inside live on.
I’m a proponent of setting boundaries for my kids to protect my needs, and I am going to start setting a new boundary, for myself- I, Summer Krismanits, take care of myself. My birthday is this month and if anyone is curious, I am asking for makeup, a haircut, and earrings from Target.
And....not to negate Biblical inner beauty, just feed your soul, ladies. That's what I'm thinking.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Receiving
I am so exhausted- what a long week! This is the first quiet moment of my day, I can’t bear to go to sleep before 9:00. I’ve played on face book, researched claims of Roma Downey being New Age- no way she is, and checked my email. Then there is my neglected blog, and my racing mind.
This week my husband was told he couldn’t go on his Israel Mission trip unless he raised $1500- raised, because we didn’t have the money. It was a really cloudy week, weather wise, but also in our minds and hearts. I was given a ticket to the prophetic conference from a friend who couldn’t go on the same day an Israel team leader prophesied to Paul that she thought we should go to the conference because we were going to receive a word that would change our life. That excited me, obviously.
This same day, an acquaintance/power house business woman I know (I love women in business!) invited me to apply for a part-time position that was opening up in her company. I tossed the idea around in my mind a lot. For years I have tossed the idea around that I could work and be a mom, but I never found a safe place to test that stirring. All the while, I’ve been home, dying. In a good way. I’ve been laying down my life, doing hard things with grace as my propeller. Lots of times, I dream of working because I know I would do a better job at that than I am at home, and let’s face it, what’s better than being proud of yourself? Well, maybe learning to forgive yourself and start over- that’s a worthy skill too and has been more of my season. I found myself excited about the prospect of a job, not that I am even insinuating that I will get the job, or choose to work if I don’t get the job. I don’t know. The point is, during worship I was asking God whether I should apply or not. He asked me why I wouldn’t apply and my first thought was, “Because, I would like doing it.”
Bam. Exposed lie: I think I’m only serving God if I’m swimming up the creek. I learned I can be prideful about "working" as a staying at home mom because I know what I’ve sacrificed to grow in this calling. God asked me, “You don’t think I want you to be happy?”
I said no. Yikes. I love my kids. I love my husband. I am addicted and comfortable to my routine. But in my heart, I miss connecting with people. We hear so often that God loves our weaknesses- which is totally truth, but He gave us our weaknesses and our strengths.
God began to tell me the truth, that while there are seasons of pruning, there are also seasons of tasting fruit. While there are seasons of sacrifice, there are also seasons of learning to receive. He told me that Paul and I have learned how to sacrifice, but now He will began to teach us to receive. He told me to humble myself, and to believe that He wants me whole and happy.
I believe that I can have joy anywhere because God is fullness of joy. He is my Father and Friend, and I have found a lot of grace at home. The problem is that I am afraid to receive. I am afraid to steward. I am afraid to FAIL. Thankfully, God sent me a good teacher to help me figure this thing out. I observed more than 15 foreigners attending the conference, and I had been given my ticket for free. I didn't have to sacrifice anything. Paul’s mission trip was paid off that day, and actually received over $1500 so funds spilled over into his ministry trip account, and he was approved to travel with Bill Johnson next month.
As the week continued, I was beyond expectant for a prophetic word that was going to change my life. Nothing. On Friday night, I enjoyed the conference, but my expectation was not satisfied. Paul asked me why and I said, “because I didn’t receive a prophetic word that changed my life.”
He scrunched up his face, “What about the word you got the first night about God teaching our family to receive, and giving us the fruit of our pruning season? Didn’t He teach you that you can lay down your life and still follow your dreams?”
Receiving- It's hard to do. I realized that although God’s word to me had been timely, and even confirmed through various miracles of generosity, I didn’t value myself enough to receive it. God is moving me into a season of learning to receive, and the first test I faced was, "Can you receive from yourself?" I am not a prophetic word chaser by any means, but I would rather have a stranger prophesy over me than prophesy over myself. I felt God saying, “No, prophesy over yourself.” That night I had a dream and I was prophesying in it, but I turned to God and said, “I don’t even know what to prophesy!” and He told me, “It’s easy, just prophesy what you know.” For the past few days I’ve answered the call, “I love people. I love connecting with others. I love my children. I am a good mother. I am a faithful wife. My kids are so powerful.” The truth is, it’s not about me receiving just from myself, but from my union with Him. I’m processing the power of receiving, realizing if I can’t receive, I can’t have a full revelation of the cross. Learning to receive is a worthy pursuit, so thank you Jesus for prophetic words that change my life, especially when I give them to MYSELF. Ha!
This week my husband was told he couldn’t go on his Israel Mission trip unless he raised $1500- raised, because we didn’t have the money. It was a really cloudy week, weather wise, but also in our minds and hearts. I was given a ticket to the prophetic conference from a friend who couldn’t go on the same day an Israel team leader prophesied to Paul that she thought we should go to the conference because we were going to receive a word that would change our life. That excited me, obviously.
This same day, an acquaintance/power house business woman I know (I love women in business!) invited me to apply for a part-time position that was opening up in her company. I tossed the idea around in my mind a lot. For years I have tossed the idea around that I could work and be a mom, but I never found a safe place to test that stirring. All the while, I’ve been home, dying. In a good way. I’ve been laying down my life, doing hard things with grace as my propeller. Lots of times, I dream of working because I know I would do a better job at that than I am at home, and let’s face it, what’s better than being proud of yourself? Well, maybe learning to forgive yourself and start over- that’s a worthy skill too and has been more of my season. I found myself excited about the prospect of a job, not that I am even insinuating that I will get the job, or choose to work if I don’t get the job. I don’t know. The point is, during worship I was asking God whether I should apply or not. He asked me why I wouldn’t apply and my first thought was, “Because, I would like doing it.”
Bam. Exposed lie: I think I’m only serving God if I’m swimming up the creek. I learned I can be prideful about "working" as a staying at home mom because I know what I’ve sacrificed to grow in this calling. God asked me, “You don’t think I want you to be happy?”
I said no. Yikes. I love my kids. I love my husband. I am addicted and comfortable to my routine. But in my heart, I miss connecting with people. We hear so often that God loves our weaknesses- which is totally truth, but He gave us our weaknesses and our strengths.
God began to tell me the truth, that while there are seasons of pruning, there are also seasons of tasting fruit. While there are seasons of sacrifice, there are also seasons of learning to receive. He told me that Paul and I have learned how to sacrifice, but now He will began to teach us to receive. He told me to humble myself, and to believe that He wants me whole and happy.
I believe that I can have joy anywhere because God is fullness of joy. He is my Father and Friend, and I have found a lot of grace at home. The problem is that I am afraid to receive. I am afraid to steward. I am afraid to FAIL. Thankfully, God sent me a good teacher to help me figure this thing out. I observed more than 15 foreigners attending the conference, and I had been given my ticket for free. I didn't have to sacrifice anything. Paul’s mission trip was paid off that day, and actually received over $1500 so funds spilled over into his ministry trip account, and he was approved to travel with Bill Johnson next month.
As the week continued, I was beyond expectant for a prophetic word that was going to change my life. Nothing. On Friday night, I enjoyed the conference, but my expectation was not satisfied. Paul asked me why and I said, “because I didn’t receive a prophetic word that changed my life.”
He scrunched up his face, “What about the word you got the first night about God teaching our family to receive, and giving us the fruit of our pruning season? Didn’t He teach you that you can lay down your life and still follow your dreams?”
Receiving- It's hard to do. I realized that although God’s word to me had been timely, and even confirmed through various miracles of generosity, I didn’t value myself enough to receive it. God is moving me into a season of learning to receive, and the first test I faced was, "Can you receive from yourself?" I am not a prophetic word chaser by any means, but I would rather have a stranger prophesy over me than prophesy over myself. I felt God saying, “No, prophesy over yourself.” That night I had a dream and I was prophesying in it, but I turned to God and said, “I don’t even know what to prophesy!” and He told me, “It’s easy, just prophesy what you know.” For the past few days I’ve answered the call, “I love people. I love connecting with others. I love my children. I am a good mother. I am a faithful wife. My kids are so powerful.” The truth is, it’s not about me receiving just from myself, but from my union with Him. I’m processing the power of receiving, realizing if I can’t receive, I can’t have a full revelation of the cross. Learning to receive is a worthy pursuit, so thank you Jesus for prophetic words that change my life, especially when I give them to MYSELF. Ha!
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