Building Strong Siblings Takes Sobriety

Recently, my sister watched all three of my children. She is a police officer, and has no children of her own. She kept voicing, “I can’t do this," and I was surprised she felt unprepared. I told her, “The hardest part of your day with them will be the uttered words, ‘I had it first’ because you’re gonna have to administrate justice. The good news is, you are a police officer! This is what you get paid to do!” She said, “I only know how to handle drunk people!” I assured her, “You will be great at working with children, then!” Children at odds with one another are highly emotional, irrational, and selfish beings. Often times, the rest of the world melts away as they battle for justice on their own behalf.....they may or may not be guilty. They are little drunk people. And, the best thing anyone can offer a drunk person is sobriety. That’s you, the parent-- you’re cool, and calm, and dispelling their drama is not near to death as they have imagined.

I have young children and they argue from time to time, but they have become relatively independent in how they dispel their disagreements. The “MOOOOM!!!” cry has nearly diminished. Even now, all three of them are busy playing kitchen in the living room. Anyone who spends time with my children knows they not only love one another, but they actually prefer one another as playmates. I know many parents who complain their household is at war with one another, and maybe we just birthed a good batch? I don't know. I do know we have intentionally helped them to build relationships with one another, and the fruit is oh-so-sweet. Here are a couple tools in our toolbox:

1) Speak into their identities as siblings.

Since the day my kids began sharing toys, I told them, “You two are the best of friends. You guys play great together.” Over dinner I would ask Sonora, “Who is your best friend?” and she would answer, “Jake!” Then we’d switch, and I’d ask Jake the same question. My children absolutely adore one another. Whenever they are at odds, I appeal to their friendship, “Jake, you know Sonora loves you. Do you really think she meant to hurt you?” Or I may open with, “You guys play so well together. What happened?” Most of the time, I am responding to a dog fight, and after I leave, they are back to being a pack.

Adding a third child to the mix has been challenging. Here’s what I say to them when she’s driving them bonkers, “She’s just 2 years old.” She’s not mean, she’s not annoying, she’s not wrong, SHE’S TWO. When I hear the “MOOOM!” call from Jake, usually it’s followed by, “Cori’s being a 2 year old!” That’s code for naughty. It eliminates the bad association because Cori will not be 2 forever! Hooray for that!!

2) Set boundaries with younger children. 

While Jake and Sonora are the best of friends, we are still teaching Cori to interact with them. She is 2 1/2 after all. There are many times she camps outside their door, weeping because she wishes she were playing with them. Sometimes I tell them they need to make room for her, but only when I am available to watch and wait. When I let her in, I know it will not end well. That is also how she learns, though. She goes in, plays nice, decides to do something naughty, and she gets escorted off. This is training. This is good.

I do allow Jake and Sonora to lock their door, usually no more than 15 minutes at a time, to keep Cori out. I don’t make them get along with her when she’s feisty, because well, little drunk people don’t make good playmates.

3) Mommy is just another name for ‘referee’

When Jake and Sonora began playing together, I taught them phrases like, “Are you okay?” Or, “What happened that hurt you?” I want them to sort out their own stuff. If they can’t figure it out, COME GET MOMMY. Some parents allow their children to work it out on their own, but I would rather take the time to help guide their dialogue before it escalates (or spirals, rather) into absolutely broken-hearted chaos. Almost always I am solving a “I had it first” battle, in which case, if no one backs down and tells the truth, I set a timer for 5-10 minutes. Whoever is holding it in that moment gets 5 minutes, and when my phone buzzes, the toy gets passed off. If a toy is a repeat offender, it gets put in time out-- on top of the fridge.

If it’s a “She took that from me” issue, my first question is “Who does that belong to?” I ask a lot of questions,  because drunk people are consumed with emotion and often times they just need words, darn it. Just some common sense. Some other good starter questions are: “Do you think it’s okay to take someone else’s toy?" “How would would you feel if someone took your toy?" Usually someone will began stuttering (See? Drunk!) “B-b-b-b-ut, it’s Jake’s, b-b-b-but he said I could play with it.” Then I will ask Jake, “Did you tell her she could play with it?” Then Jake responds, “W-w-w-well, I said she could, but then she added a piece to my truck and I told her I didn’t want a red piece on the truck.” Then, I step back and let them take over the conversation. I interject when necessary. My goal for them is healthy communication, therefore re-connection. The funny thing about these little disagreements is most of the time, both of them are right. Questions directed at them help shed some ego-- I don’t want to know what the other person did, what did THEY do?

When the 2 year old is stealing toys or wrecking Lego creations, my children are instructed to ask her to stop ONE TIME. If she refuses to listen, COME GET MOMMY. There is just no reasoning with a 2 year old. I don’t expect them to engage in battle with her. One day, she will be a contributing member of society, we all assure ourselves of this golden age. When I come to retrieve her, I find out what happened (usually a sea of stuttering, practically another language) and then I get down on Cori’s level and tell her, “We don’t throw Lego’s.” Then I pick her up, and remove her from the room.

4) Allow your children special treasures.

Sharing is another learned skill. When I am enforcing a rule of sharing, I make sure my children know that all of their gifts/toys come from God, and if it’s producing bad fruit in their life, it can disappear while they are sleeping. OR, they can be kind and let their sibling borrow it for awhile. It’s a great skill- it teaches them to put others above themselves, and it teaches them to trust one another. If you want your children to be friends, trust is a great foundation to that.

That being said, everyone in this house is allowed “untouchables.” Personally, I don’t like my children to touch my makeup. That is mine, not theirs. It can get broken easily (ask me how I know). Each of our children are entitled to 2-3 toys that they do not, under any circumstance, have to share. These are usually toys we pre-establish, so no one gets to pull that card when we are re-hashing the “I had that first, argument!” For Jake, he builds special Lego creations and no one is allowed to touch those. Everyone in this house knows those are off limits. When we have friends over, we put them away, or put a blanket over them.

On one hand, you have sharing-- teaching children to value others. But then, stewarding-- teaching children to value themselves. Both are important skills.


5) Respect is a requirement. 

Sometimes our sister wakes us up before we’re ready, and bed time just does not come soon enough. It makes for hard days. Sometimes, we hope to have cereal, and wake up to a milkless refrigerator. There is so much grace for the grouch in this house...especially since there are 6 of us, and there is almost always a grouch among us. Lashing out of grouchiness does not always mean a spanking. Sometimes it means getting put in time out (in Cori’s case, ‘no fun time’ is the crib). Sometimes it means getting our toy put in time out. Sometimes it means talking to God and having Him help us sort out our trauma. There are about a million tools in the toolbox for diffusing grouchiness, and they should be used accordingly. But, blatant disrespect (cruel name calling, hitting, pinching, biting-- you name it), intending to cause harm, will result in a spanking.
For you to understand how often we deal with these situations, let me say the last time Jake was spanked was probably 6 months ago. Sonora, probably a year ago. Cori, probably in the last month. With early consistency, spankings drop off to once or twice a year.

That being said, you don’t have to spank-- just make sure you notice disrespect, and deal with it right away. Make it a “no negotiation” deal in your house.

6) Advice for the little ones: Practice makes progress. 

If your children are too young to have these little conversations, your job is consistency. If they are engaging with their sibling, leave the dishes behind. Sit with them. Tell them how wonderfully they are playing together. Commend them if they share. Don’t be above bribery- if they hold out their favorite fluffy elephant to brother, tell them how sweet sharing is, and give them a sweet chocolate chip. They don’t know what “I’m sorry” means, but don’t let it keep you from teaching it to them anyway. I love when my friend and I hang out and our two year olds say “Sowwy....f’give me?” to one another. They don’t know what they’re saying, but they are still associating it with a correction from mommy.



Please know, that if you gave your once only child a sibling or two or three, you did them an enormous favor. If they are yelling at one another, they are doing you an enormous favor. I know that is hard to believe, but any time you are playing the “he said, she said” game, you are all learning how to be respectful human beings. Next time that blood-curling scream echoes from the upstairs, take a deep breath. This is Communication 101, and let’s face it, half of America opted out of this class. In this class, we learn to value others, and value ourselves. Plant yourself onto your knees and smile, calmly say, “You guys were playing so great! What happened?”

My parting tip does not just apply to sibling rivalry, but a range of situations. I did not come up with this, but since putting it into practice, it has revolutionized how I parent my children.

Know the difference between childhood foolishness, and rebellion.

Childhood foolishness receives a correction.
Rebellion receives discipline.

Most rivalries appear as a match to the death. Mostly, it is just childhood foolishness. It doesn’t need spankings. It doesn’t need a time out. It just really needs a sober person to help children process.

If sobriety is out of the question, and rebellion ensues (hitting, or throwing) then start thinking about timers and time- outs.

And, here’s another freebie. If someone refuses to relinquish their grouch, and willingly sits in the room, don’t be afraid to have a lot of fun. Turn up some music, and get your groove on! Grouch will guaranteed poke their head out, “What’s all this?” Just tell them, “This is what people get to do when they’re having fun with one another! Wanna try?” BIG SMILE, now. Unity is just so much fun.

The Burden of Perfection

One of my greatest complications in Christianity is religion. Most Christians believe sin to be the greatest complication in the Christian life, but actually, it's abdicating your position in grace and taking on religion. Paul scolds the Galatians on this double-minded act, saying that returning to religion cuts us off from Christ Himself (Galatians 5:4). We are a people who need grace.

I have written before on my fear of raising children who do not know God, and there confessed my intention to brainwash them into belief. Even though I know it will not succeed, I still have this idea in my head, time and time again, of what stewarding my children in a relationship with the Lord looks like. Many times it is dictated by what I see others doing: family prayer time, daily devotionals, Bible curriculums, and all the quirky ways we find to make God fun and real, and not just everything, like He should be. Still, recently I was asking the Lord to forgive me for not “keeping up” with reading my children the Bible. I asked the Lord to forgive me for not being present with my kids every moment that He called me to, due to distraction and duty. I asked Him to forgive me for giving up on family worship after several failed attempts. I lay my heart broken before Him, like a shattered clay pot. I believe God appreciates our brokenness, and if we don't do it sometimes, He'll orchestrate it for us. Christians should be a really needy group of people--and well, we tend to be, but neglect to go to the One who will raise us above our crisis!

I heard Him speak so clearly to me in this moment, “Your perfection was never going to reveal me to your kids.”

There I was, right back in my mess, saturated in His grace, held by His hands, perfected by His sacrifice. There are no excuses sufficient here, just Him.

Truthfully, I have continued to forget consistent Bible time and set aside worship, though I do intend to put them into place. Still, I take comfort that the conversations never stop in this house, the stories we tell, the laughs we share, and even our failures are an ongoing anthem to His goodness, faithfulness, love, and grace. None of these things exist outside of my desperate humanity. Day in and day out, that becomes my ministry to my children.  

I guess its no surprise that my heart is breaking today for the Duggar family. If you know me, you know I love them. I own their books and DVD's, and know their children by name and in order. I've read all the hateful mess about their religiosity but it's never deterred me from their influence because I knew what I believed and what I didn't. In this sex scandal involving Josh, I just see the painful repercussions of religion. Pride in the law, an incompetence to comply, and a desperate desire to not be found out. Sin always gets found out. What a mess. Furthermore, I feel for his wife, who I am assuming is held by the throngs of religion. How painful to embrace a man-made salvation, and yet, be expected to offer up forgiveness, a selfless, supernatural act.

I do not want to judge their position in Christ, as I've watched them long enough to know their faith is of great value to them. I still want to say to Josh, to anyone living in secret sin,

The blood of Christ is enough:

To cleanse you from all impurity.

To deliver you from addiction.

To empower you to live beyond temptation.

To seat you in Heavenly Places, with your righteous Father. None of us have righteousness apart from Him.

Unless of course, we cut ourselves off.

Your perfection will not reveal the Lord to anyone. But, in your imperfection, surrender your life to Christ. Let Him gaze upon the mess you have got yourself in-- He already sees it, and He's already dealt with it. Confess.

Now, the test: Receive His love apart from your performance. I know religion has told you that punishment must ensue, but Jesus did not come to condemn. He came to love. If you remember the most rehearsed scripture next to John 3:16 (For God so loved...), 1 Corinthians 13 tells us, “Love keeps no record of wrongs.”

There is also the topic of forgiveness which we must be willing to ask for. We will never understand forgiveness if we are working to secure our own salvation. It will feel like that too must be earned. Forefront of the message of grace is forgiveness!

The thing about perfection is we can almost taste it! It feels so close. In our best laid plans, our imagination, a committed realtionship to God, and our volunteer hours added up, it can feel like we've almost made it. We've almost earned His love.

But, if any of this was done in our own strength, we wouldn't need Him. God is not needy, by the way. However, His heart is moved by our dependence on Him. After all, He gave everything to to bring us back into His presence, it would be a tragedy if we turned away and vowed to get there on our own.

Well, I have given up on that. I need God so badly. Especially today, and even more tomorrow. When we submit to this process, we began the true journey of being perfected in Him. Not living a lie of religious perfection, but simply submission, a broken pot in His hands. He gazes upon us, not as a broken vessel, but as a finished product, holy, redeemed by grace, and dearly loved. It is only in our humanity do we find a need for grace. We shouldn't fear it. We shouldn't allow it to shame us. We definitely shouldn't dwell on it. When any of us find ourselves drowning in desire or stirred in anger, we have a blessed invitation to a great exchange. Sometimes it happens every day, I hold up my mess to Him. It can be painful to have nothing more to give this good Father- just humanity, just mess. Let me tell you though, it doesn't surprise Him. He is Love, and Love keeps no record of wrongs. He is patient and Kind. He believes and hopes always. He doesn't give up. He designed us to need Him. He designed us to need love. Religion and performance will cheat you of receiving genuine love.

You'll never understand that Love never fails until you fail. You'll never understand that love never gives up until you keep failing, and it's still there. You'll never understand that the greatest of all things is love until it becomes a literal life force, and suddenly your new life in Christ becomes a realistic realization, and it wasn't that you kept trying harder to be good, but that His goodness came to your rescue every single day and it is always enough.