Welcome to my Home

My life has been absolutely crazy as of late. The other day I told Paul, “I feel like the Lord thinks that the only way I will learn anything is by trial and error. I think I could do without that.” Of course, my ‘wise beyond his years’ husband clued me into the fact that everyone learns by this method. Every now and then I start wondering how much God needs me to change. I am starting to doubt his confidence in me. I know He loves me. Thank you Lord for your glorious love! But must I get lost every time I venture into Redding? With a screaming baby in the backseat? Who can’t breathe through her nose because she’s sick? And I’m wondering if she’s going to make it since I gave her ibuprofen instead of acetametaphen when she was running a fever. Apparently that isn’t ok. Oh yeah, and I won’t mention all of the juices I’ve had to throw out that I’ve made with my vitamix because I either make too much, or not sweet enough, or too bitter. Or I grind down apple seeds before doing my research and realize that apple seeds turn to cyanide in the human body. I’m still here. See? Trial and error. But it’s frustrating. It is so frustrating to dump out a jar of two day old juice because I couldn’t finish several quarts of kale. Thank the Lord, again, for my wonderful husband who says, “that’s life, babe.”
And I’m thinking, “Well, it’s not my life…because I do everything perfectly.” I get it. I know all these little places that need to be shaped, these things I will not let go. But I am working on it…that, or it’s literally being choked out of me by all of the mistakes I’ve been making.

I am so tired. Is it ok if I say that? I just moved several weeks ago, only one week after my entire family got slammed with the worse flu of my life. Now we are sick again. I’ve been so tempted on so many days to just curl up under my favorite quilt and weep because not only am I incredibly tired, but I am sad too. I miss Doni so much, there is an ache in my heart that just will not STOP.  I was telling Paul yesterday as I mixed an egg in some tuna and tears were running down my face, sometimes the only thing to do is cry. It’s so simple, but it’s the truth. Nothing works except to stand over future tuna cakes and weep into them. In the midst of sadness Paul and I realized that we wanted to be in Sonora. Desperately and right away. But we came to Redding for a purpose. It was a time of great wishy washiness ('washiness' sounds like a word to me!) and there wasn’t a lot of peace. Then we moved into a  new house where I really didn’t have peace because everything was white, blue, or brown. One thing that I have been doing to keep myself busy and happy is decorate my new home.


So come on in, to my home. I have peace here, and I hope you do too. It’s not mine, but it is for now, and I have just been relishing in it’s potential. Want some coffee? It’s on all the time around here, and each evening I scheme how I can and will give it up because I am beyond certain that incessant drinking of coffee is the reason I struggle with fatigue (and run on sentences, if I’m honest).

 Have one of my mismatched mugs. When I moved to Redding I thought I was going to be in a fully furnished house so I literally brought two boxes of my own household things. I did bring my favorite thrift store finds. You want the “I love my dog” one, or the orange and white polka dots?  Great! Watch out, it’s chipped in about ten places, but I won’t throw it out until it shatters. I’m faithful to my junk.

This is the kitchen. I sewed this curtain several months ago and never found a good use for it. Sometimes Joann’s has the yummiest fabric that even when it isn’t on sale, you have to have it. And make Pinterest inspired roman shades out of it. Am I right? I was so excited when it fit on this window. Especially because it was previously a yellow gingham plaid. That curtain folded up really nicely in a box under the counter. And there’s the Vitamix, my $125 thrift store find. She’s a dinosaur, but I love her.
I made a meal planning board because I am determined to be a meal planner. I am not a planner by nature but when you want to clean up your diet a bit like I do, it really isn’t an option. Everything takes forethought, so I gotta do it for survival’s sake. Nothing like a crafted white board to inspire someone, right? It beckons me with it’s cheery sunshine yellow, ‘what’s for dinner Summer?’

(It says "Give to us our daily bread")

 Well, that’s enough of that.
I am going to be honest. This is the rest of the kitchen.

     Any ideas on what I could do with it? As of right now I am planning on giving the cabinets another coat of shiny white, painting the cabinets on top a soft grey and adding mason jars for my glasses, and bright yellow plates. Where I put my food (over the washer) I was thinking of adding a valance….I hear Joann’s is having a sale.

     YES, you should totally come with me, I could use an accountability partner.

      I think the kitchen needs a bit more work to make it my home, but I love the beamed ceilings, and the blue countertops.

     The dining room was my latest project. I wanted it to be about our family. I like looking at the kids. I like looking at their projects. I love hand painted things, hence the wall art that the kids made, and the flowers Grandma painted.

I wanted to put a verse up somewhere and asked Paul which one I should do, and he chose Joshua 1:9 so I went with it. Lots of fun to make. Just sit on the floor with the baby, cutting and gluing. I was cutting and gluing, not the baby. I needed some crafting in my life.
The kitchen table was already here and I greatly despise the chairs. Oh, you weren’t going to say anything? It’s ok, you really can’t offend me! I tried to dress it up with leftover fabric I had from an old project. And the flowers, you like them? My son picks me a giant handful every day and stuffs them into this jar. Pretty flowers on the table. Zero flowers in my backyard.

The living room is one of my favorite parts of the house. It’s so open and bright, thanks to the giant window that looks onto the backyard. The furniture was already here, but I had some Kohls cash that I used to buy some fluffy green pillows ($7 each, what a steal, right?), and this quilt comes everywhere with me. The gold curtains were mine as well, they’ve been up in every house we’ve lived in. When I bought them from Wal-mart I had to put them on a credit card because I couldn’t afford to spend $20 on curtains, and yet, I couldn’t live without them. Well, I probably could have but I just didn’t want to, and there’s the truth. You put skittles on a credit card one time? Well see, now I don’t feel so bad.

And this eco-friendly rug was crafted from recycled fabric and only $10 at Kohls. Another item I chose not to live without. I love it. It’s funky, and fun and apparently handmade by people who I hope earn a fair wage making them. I think it’s important. Yes, I remember you saying that you were deeply involved in social justice issues, that’s why I brought it up.

Ok, glad you stopped by. Leave your mug at the door please, it’s one of my favorites. But take some grapefruit with you, PLEASE. I have about 15 pounds of it growing on a tree in the backyard.

      Oh yes, the kids are happy here. They play and laugh, and the only thing they would change is having Fifi a bit closer. I would change that too if I could! I’m sure you have to be going, and I really have to wash dishes since we no longer have a dishwasher. No, it’s not very fun, but I am slowly getting used to spending at least an hour a day washing dishes. No, I didn’t do the math. Thanks for informing me that I spend 30 hours each month washing dishes. What’s that? 360 hours a year? That’s it, you can leave now. I’ll just be here…doing dishes.
Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for stopping by to see the new digs (why is that a saying?).

And come by, any time. I am still getting used to the place and could use some encouragement, some friends, and yes, someone to get some use out of the ‘ol polka dot mug because I use the dog one because it holds more coffee.
You want to give up coffee too? We should be accountability partners! Budget-fabric buying, non-coffee drinking accountability partners. I knew there was a reason you came by!
I hope you enjoyed your visit. Don’t forget your grapefruit. I packed you five grocery bags. I hope that’s enough.
Take a kid with you too.
Just kidding.
Well, you can take one, just bring them back at bedtime!

This is going to be a good season!

More:

My Bedroom first.

Basket with blanket draped over= Jake's camouflaged birthday presents

Kiddos Bedroom (Thanks to my Mom for her thriftiness and craigslist/consignment store finds- she bought both of their bed sets and we LOVE them!)

Embracing the Process

Today I  made a declaration and then did a prophetic act to back it up. I am not sure you’ll be familiar with what that without being a “charismatic” Christian, but let me explain.
 
I’m not even sure how to explain, so let me now quote Beni Johnson. She says in A Happy Intercessor (probably my favorite book) that “A prophetic act is doing something in the natural realm that brings a supernatural release. Doing an act like this causes an answer to come to the physical realm.” I love doing prophetic acts.  I just think it‘s incredible that I can change my reality, and that God entrusted me with that responsibility when partnering with Him. You have it too (assuming you are a Christian reading this, if not, well then, you are welcome to keep reading for a new perspective). I know some of the Chapel girls will remember when I shared at our mom’s group about intercessory prayer, which basically meant that I outlined A Happy Intercessor. We prayed for our church, read scripture, and planted an apple seed in the ground outside the coffee shop. We are expecting a harvest at Chapel and I felt like the Lord gave me the picture of us young folks planting a seed into the ground, reaping the benefits of all those before us who have prayed for an outbreak of revival in Tuolumne County.
But my life as of late has been anything but a harvest. It has felt really crappy. I think in my last blog I likened it to labor, and it has been that. And there’s no new life yet. I am in a house now that is a roof over my head, and a great location. It is exactly what I prayed for and yet I am having trouble being happy.
Because I am surrounded by boxes that still need to be unpacked. I don’t have a dishwasher anymore. Half of the laundry facilities are outside. I share the property with two other roommates and the hot water heater isn’t enough to accommodate all of us (although we are starting to figure the quirky thing out!). Everything is white, except the parts of the house that are blue. I love this house, it is a great starter home. But it’s not mine, and I keep oscillating between how much I want to do and paint and make mine, and then the energy that will be required to do that. I honestly don’t know where to start.  I will get over the other things, it will just take time to wean myself from modern conveniences .
Perhaps most of all, I miss my husband. I have barely seen him lately because he’s been moving us, and then right back to work and school. On top of all of that, I moved to Redding to get an experience. I moved here to go to Bethel and have not been to church in three weeks because who has time for church when you have the flu, and you have to move, and then unpack? Well, not this girl. No time.
When I have time (usually after 9:00 pm) I like to sit at this computer and read blogs about people who do have time to do all the things I wish I could be doing right now, like making nourishing sweets with my kids, or putting together Valentines crafts at the kitchen table (that is covered in crap right now). I just can’t do it. I feel so emotionally worn out, and stretched so thin that I am waiting for whatever rug I am standing on to be pulled right out from under me. I feel defeated. I feel like I just want to go back to Sonora right now, but I can’t because I haven’t done anything at Bethel. I want to finish Sozo appointments, attend a prophetic conference, go to the prayer room, and the worship nights. I want to go and DO.
All of this complaining, I am sure you are waiting for me to make a point. I had a Sozo appointment yesterday, and it was so wonderful. I highly recommend Sozo, it is starting to gain popularity and if you research it you may find that a church near you offers this form of inner healing. Look into it, it’s incredible. So after Sozo I was just sorting out all of these emotions and just thinking that I cannot afford to just sit and rot. I can’t afford to not pick myself up and at least try to start venturing out. If I want Paul to stay for second year, I can’t afford to not make this house a home for us. Today I was working in the kitchen, and staring at a bowl that I made to throw vegetable waste in. I felt the nudging of the Holy Spirit to start my compost pile. Carry the waste outside, dump it in a bucket with some brown waste, add some water, and stir it up. This is just my life now. I am so sad I can hardly stand it some days. Not just for myself, but for my husband who misses his parents. For my Jake who won’t even talk about Nana, and Sonora who told me yesterday that she "doesn’t like seeing pictures of Opa." We are just hurting. I have so much to do, so much that even if I didn’t have children it would take me days upon days to unpack because that is simply what moving means.
The truth is though, my life is not over, and God is too gracious to yank me out of the process before I’m ready. I was thinking about that this morning when Cori was in the bumbo seat fussing. So I put her on my lap and she continued to fuss. I had already fed her, and burped her, and she was up from her morning nap. So I put her on the floor on a blanket and she immediately rolled to her side. I guess I carry her and use the bumbo seat so much, I forget that she is going through changes, learning to move and roll around in new ways. She is a baby, she probably doesn’t understand all of the mechanics, I barely do. But innately she knows, her body knows that it’s time to start pushing the limits as her muscles strengthen. There is a process there that none of us can change, and I feel like I’m in that sort of process now. Whether it is the process of learning to manage life with three kids instead of two, or moving to a new house and making it a home, or learning to grieve in my own way so that I can continue doing life productively.  I don’t know what these things are supposed to look like for me, but all I can do is listen to my body, and my heart, and feel out my spirit for where I am at. I am tired of feeling like that compost bowl on my counter. I am tired of feeling like everyone gets everything right, except me. I am tired of being so sad. I am tired of missing out on the “Bethel Experience.” While a lot of these things are not changing right now, I can change my attitude day by day. Change my outlook. Embrace the many different processes I am in the middle of right now.
My prophetic act today was to make a compost bin.



It was so liberating, to fill up that bucket with garbage and know that in a few months, thanks to a beautiful process of organic materials breaking down, by summertime I will have rich and lovely soil to feed my vegetables. As I embrace the process of life and keep shedding my burdens, placing them in Jesus’ hands, that is how growth takes place. That is when I will see a harvest. Embracing this process with Him because "in His presence is fullness of JOY."
I don’t think this stuff is easy. I was really excited when I made my compost bin and declared that “this weary season is going to end now, God will make new life from the waste around my family,” but now I’m back to thinking about preparing dinner, and keeping the kids under control, cleaning up the floor, ignoring most of these things for now so I can finish this blog. Life goes on. I am just making it a practice to go with it, dump off the things weighing me down and let God use them to make new life.
    The thing about a compost pile is that it takes time. And that’s OK. Ask any gardener enthusiast and they’ll tell you that it’s worth it. Guess what, if you’re doing this as a prophetic act, your heart is worth it too. The time it takes, the process that will ensue, and the garden that will grow, all more than worth it.

Well, I can’t say for sure, but I don’t think that God makes these things up!

Isaiah 43:19 NLT
“For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.”