Today I made a declaration and then did a prophetic act to back it up. I am not sure you’ll be familiar with what that without being a “charismatic” Christian, but let me explain.
I’m not even sure how to explain, so let me now quote Beni Johnson. She says in A Happy Intercessor (probably my favorite book) that “A prophetic act is doing something in the natural realm that brings a supernatural release. Doing an act like this causes an answer to come to the physical realm.” I love doing prophetic acts. I just think it‘s incredible that I can change my reality, and that God entrusted me with that responsibility when partnering with Him. You have it too (assuming you are a Christian reading this, if not, well then, you are welcome to keep reading for a new perspective). I know some of the Chapel girls will remember when I shared at our mom’s group about intercessory prayer, which basically meant that I outlined A Happy Intercessor. We prayed for our church, read scripture, and planted an apple seed in the ground outside the coffee shop. We are expecting a harvest at Chapel and I felt like the Lord gave me the picture of us young folks planting a seed into the ground, reaping the benefits of all those before us who have prayed for an outbreak of revival in Tuolumne County.
But my life as of late has been anything but a harvest. It has felt really crappy. I think in my last blog I likened it to labor, and it has been that. And there’s no new life yet. I am in a house now that is a roof over my head, and a great location. It is exactly what I prayed for and yet I am having trouble being happy.
Because I am surrounded by boxes that still need to be unpacked. I don’t have a dishwasher anymore. Half of the laundry facilities are outside. I share the property with two other roommates and the hot water heater isn’t enough to accommodate all of us (although we are starting to figure the quirky thing out!). Everything is white, except the parts of the house that are blue. I love this house, it is a great starter home. But it’s not mine, and I keep oscillating between how much I want to do and paint and make mine, and then the energy that will be required to do that. I honestly don’t know where to start. I will get over the other things, it will just take time to wean myself from modern conveniences .
Perhaps most of all, I miss my husband. I have barely seen him lately because he’s been moving us, and then right back to work and school. On top of all of that, I moved to Redding to get an experience. I moved here to go to Bethel and have not been to church in three weeks because who has time for church when you have the flu, and you have to move, and then unpack? Well, not this girl. No time.
When I have time (usually after 9:00 pm) I like to sit at this computer and read blogs about people who do have time to do all the things I wish I could be doing right now, like making nourishing sweets with my kids, or putting together Valentines crafts at the kitchen table (that is covered in crap right now). I just can’t do it. I feel so emotionally worn out, and stretched so thin that I am waiting for whatever rug I am standing on to be pulled right out from under me. I feel defeated. I feel like I just want to go back to Sonora right now, but I can’t because I haven’t done anything at Bethel. I want to finish Sozo appointments, attend a prophetic conference, go to the prayer room, and the worship nights. I want to go and DO.
All of this complaining, I am sure you are waiting for me to make a point. I had a Sozo appointment yesterday, and it was so wonderful. I highly recommend Sozo, it is starting to gain popularity and if you research it you may find that a church near you offers this form of inner healing. Look into it, it’s incredible. So after Sozo I was just sorting out all of these emotions and just thinking that I cannot afford to just sit and rot. I can’t afford to not pick myself up and at least try to start venturing out. If I want Paul to stay for second year, I can’t afford to not make this house a home for us. Today I was working in the kitchen, and staring at a bowl that I made to throw vegetable waste in. I felt the nudging of the Holy Spirit to start my compost pile. Carry the waste outside, dump it in a bucket with some brown waste, add some water, and stir it up. This is just my life now. I am so sad I can hardly stand it some days. Not just for myself, but for my husband who misses his parents. For my Jake who won’t even talk about Nana, and Sonora who told me yesterday that she "doesn’t like seeing pictures of Opa." We are just hurting. I have so much to do, so much that even if I didn’t have children it would take me days upon days to unpack because that is simply what moving means.
The truth is though, my life is not over, and God is too gracious to yank me out of the process before I’m ready. I was thinking about that this morning when Cori was in the bumbo seat fussing. So I put her on my lap and she continued to fuss. I had already fed her, and burped her, and she was up from her morning nap. So I put her on the floor on a blanket and she immediately rolled to her side. I guess I carry her and use the bumbo seat so much, I forget that she is going through changes, learning to move and roll around in new ways. She is a baby, she probably doesn’t understand all of the mechanics, I barely do. But innately she knows, her body knows that it’s time to start pushing the limits as her muscles strengthen. There is a process there that none of us can change, and I feel like I’m in that sort of process now. Whether it is the process of learning to manage life with three kids instead of two, or moving to a new house and making it a home, or learning to grieve in my own way so that I can continue doing life productively. I don’t know what these things are supposed to look like for me, but all I can do is listen to my body, and my heart, and feel out my spirit for where I am at. I am tired of feeling like that compost bowl on my counter. I am tired of feeling like everyone gets everything right, except me. I am tired of being so sad. I am tired of missing out on the “Bethel Experience.” While a lot of these things are not changing right now, I can change my attitude day by day. Change my outlook. Embrace the many different processes I am in the middle of right now.
My prophetic act today was to make a compost bin.
It was so liberating, to fill up that bucket with garbage and know that in a few months, thanks to a beautiful process of organic materials breaking down, by summertime I will have rich and lovely soil to feed my vegetables. As I embrace the process of life and keep shedding my burdens, placing them in Jesus’ hands, that is how growth takes place. That is when I will see a harvest. Embracing this process with Him because "in His presence is fullness of JOY."
I don’t think this stuff is easy. I was really excited when I made my compost bin and declared that “this weary season is going to end now, God will make new life from the waste around my family,” but now I’m back to thinking about preparing dinner, and keeping the kids under control, cleaning up the floor, ignoring most of these things for now so I can finish this blog. Life goes on. I am just making it a practice to go with it, dump off the things weighing me down and let God use them to make new life.
The thing about a compost pile is that it takes time. And that’s OK. Ask any gardener enthusiast and they’ll tell you that it’s worth it. Guess what, if you’re doing this as a prophetic act, your heart is worth it too. The time it takes, the process that will ensue, and the garden that will grow, all more than worth it.
Well, I can’t say for sure, but I don’t think that God makes these things up!
Isaiah 43:19 NLT
“For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.”
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