First Fruits

Do you know what I feel like doing? I would like to grab an overstuffed pillow and bury my face in the center and scream. I think that is the only way for me to truly convey how I feel in my spirit. I am so utterly exhausted and pushed to limits I didn’t even realize that I had. I am sick, tired, sad, angry, and yes, in the past couple of weeks I’ve wondered if my family has simply fallen off of God’s radar. Life isn’t so bad if I’m being rational, but I’m not. I’ve given myself permission to not be rational in this season because every day is intensely insane. I’ve determined that I would be innately crazy if I didn’t feel like I was partially losing my mind each day. Does that make sense?  If I want to let my kids play video games for two hours in the middle of the day so I can nap on the couch, I’m going to do it. We just ate bananas for lunch. And Sonora just asked me if I took any medicine and I informed her that “coffee” is mommy’s medicine. I would not finish this season alive if not for coffee. If this is the way I am surviving, I don’t even know how my husband is going to pull off his 12 hour day of work and school. I am praying for him constantly. And eating lots of ice cream. This season has no rules.
But do you know why I am sitting up, typing, talking, functioning, and determining for my life to go on? Because that is the way the kingdom of God works, a drab season will not last forever and if you sow, there will be a season of reaping. If I have any doubts about the direction my life is going, I can read the Beatitudes:

3Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
5Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.

That is how I feel exactly. I have been wondering if I will ever be healthy again, if I’m going to have to get rid of my dog, if my kids will ever be on a schedule again, and lastly, if my heart will ever stop aching. My husband and I have prayed for these things on the other end, for the promises to be brought to fruition. We want the nations. We want deep, genuine intimacy with our Father. And we want to see the kingdom expanded into every atmosphere we step foot. So while the enemy thinks he can rob everything from us, I just have to choose to see the bigger picture, even in this storm. I have to choose to see the fruits of the season that is on its way.

 Several days ago Paul said he felt like we needed to fast together, write out a list of our housing needs, and bless them. Here is what we wrote:

“God, we declare that you have set aside the perfect house for our family, in your perfect timing. We trust that you will provide a house in the next three days, and that we will know beyond a doubt that it is the right house for our family.

The house we want has three bedrooms, and a fenced back yard, and will be very open to housing our dogs. The house will come with the basic house needs such as refrigerator, washer, and dryer. We need a house that will stay warm in the winter, and cool in the summer. Above all else, we wish to be in a safe area that Summer can stay alone at night and be comfortable.”

A lady wrote us two days later and asked us to go see her home in Redding, only five minutes from Bethel campus. Another first year student already lives there, as well as another guy who is visiting Redding short term. The house is well within our budget with all of the extra roommates so we went to see the house. It was exactly what we prayed for, minus that it 100% lacked a woman’s touch. I don’t know, the house shocked me when I walked through the door because it needs some work. But the backyard is a haven. It is large, fenced in, and in the middle is a beautiful grapefruit tree bursting with fruit. I wanted to hug it and I don’t know why! I think, to me, it was a symbol of life. It was a symbol of God’s love for me. I plucked one right off the tree and couldn’t believe I was holding a homegrown grapefruit in my hand. I carried it into the car, and as soon as we got home I cut it open and shared it with the children. They were not particularly impressed, but I thought it was yummy and sweet. It was like the Lord showed me as I was eating this grapefruit that this was the first “fruit” of a new season. A new place to live, closer to Bethel, without dog drama, and not only that, but a breakthrough in our prayer life. We declared it, prayed it, and saw it come to fruition. It was a reminder of His faithfulness.

(I usually don't clean the counter tops when I have the flu, forgive me. Hopefully you are distracted by the beautiful homegrown grapefruit.)

I spent yesterday in inner turmoil because I felt like such a failure. How many times do I move into a house and think of all the things I want to update and change, but I never do? I get complacent and I stop short of finishing. I guess I don't care that much, except that lingering feeling in my spirit that I never finish what I start. I never accomplish my goals.
I forget that this is a new season, which means that who I was a year ago doesn’t necessarily mean that is who I am. I don’t think our experiences have to dictate our reality in the kingdom of God. For one, we have scripture to tell us the truth. Then, there is the fact that God is always moving us from glory to glory. I’ve always heard Christians say that, and now that my husband is a BSSM student, he tells me this all the time. God is going to move us forward. And to me, this means that even where I failed there is so much room for me to start anew. There is room for me to see more of God.

And I need a new start, or my kids and I may become societal invalids.

So here is to a new season.  Here is to the first fruits of a new season.  We are so ready.