My [late] New Year's Blog

     I have been planning a new year's blog for days.  Actually, I started putting it together in my head on December 31st, and now it is nearly the 3rd day into this new year and I am just now sitting down with time to myself. Paul has been working 30 hour weeks, and I know you women with husbands who work full time do not feel sorry for me in the least, but I have survived 50 hour weeks before! I‘m not sure why I am being such a baby. I miss him. I will be honest, this happy-go-lucky, glass is half-full perception of my in-law’s death has crashed down on me several times. Sometimes I just sit alone and all I can think is, I am so, so sad. Like a child, I feel vulnerable and helpless. All I know is, this hurts. I know God is good, and I know He has a plan, and I know the enemy loses in the end. I know those things, of course, but sometimes there is just nothing that brings comfort but His presence. I am angry that it happened because aside from November 26th, my year was fantastic. I have been thinking about this last year a lot, and it was probably my best year ever, seriously.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... Paul was unemployed and I was little more than desperate for him to find a job. During this season, through the pregnancy center I was given the opportunity to speak to Summerville High School students about purity. What a gig! I essentially shared my testimony and spoke on the emotional trauma that can and often follows at risk behaviors. You can read about that here, it happens to be my "2011 blog":

Wrapping up 2011, Starting 2012

Then life took a turn, I got sick. As some of you may recall the several blogs I wrote where I feared for my own life (though maybe I shouldn’t have been quite so dramatic, I‘ll admit). You can read about it here:

When I thought I was dying...
God could save me, but I am probably still  dying...

Two weeks after this health fiasco, I found out I was pregnant with Courage! What a joyous, wonderful day that was!!  I think finding out we were pregnant with Cori set the course for the year because we’d just walked through a lot of crap, and if we could come out the other side with a baby, we knew we’d be doing ok. Paul started his new job the day I got a positive test, it was a good day. You can read about that, here:

When Cori was a kidney bean...

I also had a wonderful trip to North Carolina, and when I got back home to see my husband I had a talk with him about our future. I just missed my family so much, at least give me a reason to persevere, right? We’re living in Sonora, barely surviving, working towards nothing (ok, we were working towards doing well enough financially that we could do something), and to me it looked like anything but progress. And I know Paul agreed. I’ll never forget the way it happened. His parents had the kiddos and we were laying in bed together, cuddling (which we never get to do, by the way), and he said, “What would you think if I applied to BSSM?” And I said, “DO IT!” So entered us into the most faith shaking journey of our life, waiting to hear back, waiting on finances to pull together, finding employment and housing in Redding. We’re talking weekly break downs here! One week, I’m crying to Paul that I just CANNOT make this happen. I felt so powerless. The next day Paul was burying his head in my shoulder asking me why we ever decided to do something that was so out of our hands. I think we had $200 to our name at this time. It was scary, that’s all I’ll say. You can read about it here:

Considering Redding

But God got us here. All of us. We gave away 85% of our house contents, packed the rest in boxes, and hauled our growing family to Redding where God literally pieced everything together. The Lord gave me a word for that season, it was “Make my path straight, O Lord,” and even though I didn’t believe Him, that He would make a way, looking back I can see how everything fell into place perfectly. Praise God! Of course I blogged on that!

Redding looks like home to me
Redding, here we come!

Then we were in battle, instantly. I was nine months pregnant, in a new city, a new house, and Paul started work immediately. So I was at home unpacking. We are still not unpacked, I’m not even sure what exists in the boxes in my closet anymore, and in Paul’s trunk! We obviously don’t need those things. Two weeks after we moved here I experienced some steady contractions and went to the hospital just to check and make sure it wasn’t anything serious. When I got there I was 2 cm dilated and 80% effaced. After two hours of sitting in triage, I was 4 cm. It was frightening, and emotional. I have never felt so alone in this big city with no one to call (We knew the Deans and they had our children, and the Trotts, and they were visiting Sonora!). Needless to say, we got our miracle and Cori was not born that night, but three weeks later. Another Praise God moment. I didn’t want to praise him at 39 weeks when my cervix had literally SHRUNK to less than 1 cm dilation (I was ready to have that baby!), but nevertheless, all the glory goes to Him. Here is my birth story:

Cori arrives, we are blessed!

So we had the baby, my mom came, and a week later we drove to Sonora to see Paul’s family. It was a beautiful visit, though we barely saw them because Paul’s Dad came home from the hospital Friday night and had to go back Sunday morning. So we got a Saturday. That’s it. I could list a million “Had I known’s” for you. I would not have gone shopping that morning, or watched Doni prepare meals while I sat there with a baby thinking, I just had a baby, I need to rest. I would have gotten out of bed sooner when they were leaving Sunday morning. It was a great visit, but looking back, knowing what I know now, I just wish I had another day. I guess that’s common when  you’re mourning those gone. I miss them.


Anyway, I think that catches up to now. We had a great Christmas, but once it was over I found myself falling into sort of a slump. I am just so, so sad. I miss them so much. I can see how beautifully God orchestrated this year, starting with the gift of Cori. All of our children have been a blessing during this time, but there is just something so tender and calming about a sweet baby. And Cori is the sweetest. Then there is the move to Redding, and I think it saved us. When we lived in Sonora we saw Wolf and Doni 2-3 times a week, sometimes more, rarely less. Doni watched our kids at least once a week, and I often made the commute from Ponderosa Hills to hang out with her for the day. On my pregnancy center days I would walk across the street to say hello, check on the food pantry, and talk to some of the folks I’d grown close to over time. Our lives were so intertwined with theirs, in fact, when we decided to move to Redding, everyone supported us, except them. They knew it was a good idea, they just feared that the arrival of Cori would make the season particularly difficult for us. It was hard to say goodbye, but I am so thankful we had some space between us before they went. I don’t know if I would have survived this otherwise, or survived it as well. So I am grateful for Redding.

And now, it is 2013. Paul asked me on the 1st if I had a new year's resolution and I thought, that’s right, people do that. I haven’t really thought of any. Paul picked the cliché, like lose weight and take me on more dates. That second one is most welcome. But for me I just want to cook real food, and stay on a budget (which Paul has set for me at $50/week, and my bulk organic beans and organic brown rice just came in the mail, 24 pounds total!). Most of all, I just want to learn how to love people, and know them. Doni was really good at that. I miss her so much. I am so scared that this year cannot be good if I spend all my time trying to heal. I believe with all of my heart that in some way, somehow, God will restore what we have lost. He has been exceedingly good to us in this season, and so has the entire church body of Tuolumne County. We are blessed. So for me, I just call this year redeemed. I want to see the fruits released, I want to see the harvest God has planned. I want to see the mantle passed and our family take hold.

I am grateful for your prayers, and I can actually feel them. I feel like the Lord is calling me into a season of grieving and I have been fighting it. I don’t want to cry. I want to laugh at a joke, play with my kids, and enjoy my precious husband. I want to wake up from this nightmare and realize it was just that, not real. So I don’t think for a second that God is being unfair for bringing me here, He has His reasons. I believe with all of my heart that joy is on the other side if I will just take the time to sit in His presence and cry. Believe it or not, I haven’t done that. I have a feeling I will feel a great deal lighter if I will take this on. Apparently I do not enjoy being vulnerable, so there, another new year’s resolution and it goes hand in hand with knowing people, being known.