This is an utterly ridiculous blog entry, I'll forewarn you. I am absolutely exhausted. I was foolish and I drank a cup of chocolate chai tea last night and when it was time to go to sleep, my body would not rest. I laid awake as the power went off at around midnight, and then could not sleep for fear Jake might wake up cold in our uninsulated upstairs. Don't worry, we have found heat and shelter at the in-laws house. However, as a result of this electricityless existence came a lot of free time, and I picked up a fiction book loaned to me by Sonja, a book I have had for more than six months and I was near determined not to read it because I do not like getting caught up in fiction books. I like to learn, and I never learn anything from fiction, I just get dreamy and contemplative, and I don't necessarily enjoy that side of me. In either case, tired and stressed, I didn't want to learn anything, I wanted to enjoy a book. So, I picked up Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. I never doubted Sonja's taste, but I didn't know that I would enjoy it as much as she promised I would and I absolutely did, and highly reccomend it to anyone. It is a wonderful love story that for me, touched my heart. The plotline is a rewriting of the book of Hosea, where God tells a prophet to marry and love a prostitute, who runs off and has children with other men, and yet, God has Hosea continually be faithful to her. The book is a retelling and therefore the storyline is much more in depth than what the Bible tells, but it really was beautiful. This poor girl was sold into prostitution as an eight year old, raped by men, beaten, her wages witheld from her, and slowly she becomes a shell of a woman. She does not believe in love. When Hosea meets her, God speaks to him instantly and he knows she is supposed to be his bride. I was quite irritated at the character development because Hosea is the ultimate husband. Ok, and ultimately his faithfulness and love is supposed to be parallel to God, although his human-ness does come through at times (not nearly enough, in my opinion, which is why I try to stay away from romance novels- those men don't exist!).
Anyway, I guess that's the point. The author is such an intelligent writer and she has a way of making you look back into yourself, and also to the Lord. If you've read Hosea you know that although he loves his wife, and he is so good to her, she runs away. The same happens in Redeeming Love, she can't enjoy love because she's only seen it break people down, and of course, she was so hurt by people who were supposed to love her. I cannot at all, in any way, relate to what the main character experienced, although a small fraction of her hurt I well remember. I just spent the last 30 minutes on facebook going through different facebook pages of really nice guys. Ok, I don't think I've ever met a "Michael Hosea" before my husband, but my past is full of really nice men that I wanted to be with so badly, and I just couldn't break away from the broken life that I had been accustomed to, that I thought I deserved. I just wish someone would have tried to save me, I wish it wouldn't have gone so far. No man could have saved me, it had to come down to surrender to the Lord, I just wish someone would have heard my cry and directed me to Him. Would I have even listened? I don't even know.
I have to believe that I met Paul in the right timing, afterall, if I would have met him any earlier I would not have the little "world changer" Jake on my hands. He is worth all of the pain. I just think about how the salvation of Sarah (the main character) came about, and it was 100% relient on Hosea obeying God's call. So often I read romance novels and I hate that I can't be married to the main macho man of the story (and I don't watch romantic movies....I watched Becky's movie Bed of Roses and was in total sap mode for a week!). Anyway, reading about Hosea in the book made me very grateful for Paul, grateful that a man finally looked passed by faults and loved me otherwise, loved me more because of them. I'm feeling a little silly that my last blog was also about Paul, and this blog isn't entirely about him but instead about a man who obeyed God's call to marry a broken woman, and I am so grateful. Alistair Begg (Paul's favorite famous pastor) has a sermon where he fusses at all of the single men for not going after single moms as spouses. We think we deserve more, that God didn't raise us up for something that might make our lives more difficult, and that God's call won't hurt at all. In the book, Sarah really struggles with not being able to give Hosea a 'clean version' of herself, and I can just totally relate. I think it is so touching that's God's heart in the book was to give Sarah, a woman who had been intimate with hundreds and hundreds of men, to a man who had waited his entire life for just one woman. It just broke my heart, in a good way because that is God's heart. It is so beautiful.
Ok, that was totally off subject. My entire point of this is that I believe God is ushering in a generation of people that are going to love so much, so selflessly, it is going to break down barriers. If we can learn to love without judgement, learn to obey without question, and serve without self, we can change the world. I am just so excited to incorporate this into my own life, and see this manifested in others, and see people healed and set free. I called this blog "bound up hate," because it's the opposite of the book title and the state we will all abide in without God's "redeeming love." I think I am in the mood for some worship music now.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Best man standing
At around 3 years old, I knew I wanted to be married. God put that on my heart at such a young age. When I was 4 years old I “invented” an imaginary friend that I called my brother, who went everywhere and did everything with me. I wanted that constant companionship even then. When I was 5, for Halloween I dressed as a bride, no doubt my favorite costume over the years. I kept the veil and wore it during playtime, just in case my prince showed up and wanted to whisk me away. But my reality threatened that dream. Even after I knew stability (my mom met Dave when I was 8), “fear of man” consumed me. I was desperate to fit in and have a boyfriend but anytime anyone of the opposite sex, teachers and friends alike, approached me I would freeze, sometimes tremble, and often times after the situation I would be hyperventilating in a bathroom stall. It was not a fun existence.
By the time I was 17, I had never even held hands with a male. I was terrified, and embarrassed, all while my heart longed for someone to share my life with. I remember when I got married I asked a friend, “Can you believe it?!” and she responded, “Summer, you’ve been married to every guy you’ve ever liked, they just didn’t want to be married to you,” and that was the truth. I was always thinking of marriage. I knew the only way to have a boyfriend was for me to approach my best guy friend (who I knew liked me) and explained to him my fear. We sat down in chairs across from one another and I said “ok let’s do this.” He would touch my shoulder. Ok, I can handle that. He would touch my knee. Ok, that wasn’t so bad. It was all very scientific. I would say, “ok try holding my hand.” When he would go for it, I would rip it away. Ok, let’s try that again. And again. I think my first kiss took about an hour to accomplish. I made him tell me each step in the process, what he was going to do, what it was going to look like, and again and again, I jumped away before it could happen. Not romantic at all, but still a means to an end. Certainly not fit for a fairy tale.
I never got away from this, you know. God just knew it about me. That is why meeting Paul was so amazing. I met him online, so we could only talk online or on the phone. We were in love before I even met him in person. I was still scared, but I knew if I wanted to be with the man I was going to marry, which is all I really wanted out of life, I was going to have to be touched. I knew I was going to marry him before we met. I remember standing in the airport, and my chest broke out in my famous “nervous rash.” It spread across my chest and arms and face like a red blanket. I told Paul on the phone, knowing I was going to marry him, “when I see you in the airport, I am going to kiss you!” No, that didn’t happen. Instead, I buried my head in my hands and froze. He had to come find me. That hug he gave me was indescribable, Paul gives great hugs and I think he knew a kiss wasn’t going to happen because I didn’t even look at him. I knew I had to leave with him though, I knew I loved him, and I already knew in my heart I was going to marry him. It was great incentive to get over my fear. Unfortunately my fear was not completely gone, so I had to sit down with Paul and have the same talk. I told him I was afraid of him, and mostly afraid that he was going to kiss me, and I started to explain the process of learning to be close. He didn’t even wait for me to finish, he just lunged down the sofa (where I was sitting like three feet away from him, my future husband) and kissed me. In a sappy way, I had my fairy tale in that very moment. When he kissed me, I woke up and no more being afraid. I finally broke free from the curse that was trying to ensure I would be alone forever. We spent five days together, he bought a ring, I wore it, we planned a wedding, and voila! It was that easy.
I guess I had this on my heart because last night Paul was being kind of sappy, and well, sappy is my middle name! I especially love "sappy Paul." I love being with Paul. We are nearly one month away from our two year anniversary and I just can’t imagine life without him. He is my other half, and I love being married, just like I always knew I would. I think about how the enemy tried to take that dream away from me through my fear and how I almost let him. I hate that about myself. But God promises good to those who love him, and I am so glad that I get to live out my dream. I am so happy with Paul. I feel like I lived my whole life to get to this point, to finally be married.
Paul and I have been asked to walk through a lot lately. In our first year of marriage alone Paul was unemployed for 3 months, got a job he hated, we moved across the country, he was unemployed again, we lived with his parents, he got a new job, moved into a house, and had a baby. Now he’s getting ready to be unemployed again (unless someone calls to hire him, which would be an answer to prayer right now). But we are a three year old and one baby richer than we were the year before, I think those two keep us looking ahead, and looking to God because we really can’t do any of this without Him. And we look to each other.
My faith is like Plexiglas on some days and just one cynical remark from anyone threatens to shatter it, but when I have Paul’s unwavering faith to back it up, it takes out some of the sting from the world. I just love being married, it is everything I thought it would be as a young child, and even more. Paul is such a good man and on days where I wonder where God is in all of this, I look at Paul and remember that God must really love me because I get to be with Paul for the rest of my life. If I could have sketched out 15 years ago what my ideal husband would look like, it would look exactly like Paul Krismanits (minus sports, BUT I will acknowledge that he has given up a lot for me...since he reminds me everyday ;) ). In a world where the “best man standing” is the one with the most money, the blondest wife, and kids that are all after their phd’s, Paul falls short. In the first chapter of Psalms it says, “Blessed is the man whose delight in on the law of the Lord,” and if the Bible is missing in our house, I just have to figure out where Paul was last and it’s usually lingering in that general area. Paul is one of the best men standing by my standards and I know by the Lord’s, and that is what matters most. So, Happy early anniversary Paul, keep doing what you’re doing and you’ll get where you’re trying to go. I love love love you. You are my favorite person in this world.
By the time I was 17, I had never even held hands with a male. I was terrified, and embarrassed, all while my heart longed for someone to share my life with. I remember when I got married I asked a friend, “Can you believe it?!” and she responded, “Summer, you’ve been married to every guy you’ve ever liked, they just didn’t want to be married to you,” and that was the truth. I was always thinking of marriage. I knew the only way to have a boyfriend was for me to approach my best guy friend (who I knew liked me) and explained to him my fear. We sat down in chairs across from one another and I said “ok let’s do this.” He would touch my shoulder. Ok, I can handle that. He would touch my knee. Ok, that wasn’t so bad. It was all very scientific. I would say, “ok try holding my hand.” When he would go for it, I would rip it away. Ok, let’s try that again. And again. I think my first kiss took about an hour to accomplish. I made him tell me each step in the process, what he was going to do, what it was going to look like, and again and again, I jumped away before it could happen. Not romantic at all, but still a means to an end. Certainly not fit for a fairy tale.
I never got away from this, you know. God just knew it about me. That is why meeting Paul was so amazing. I met him online, so we could only talk online or on the phone. We were in love before I even met him in person. I was still scared, but I knew if I wanted to be with the man I was going to marry, which is all I really wanted out of life, I was going to have to be touched. I knew I was going to marry him before we met. I remember standing in the airport, and my chest broke out in my famous “nervous rash.” It spread across my chest and arms and face like a red blanket. I told Paul on the phone, knowing I was going to marry him, “when I see you in the airport, I am going to kiss you!” No, that didn’t happen. Instead, I buried my head in my hands and froze. He had to come find me. That hug he gave me was indescribable, Paul gives great hugs and I think he knew a kiss wasn’t going to happen because I didn’t even look at him. I knew I had to leave with him though, I knew I loved him, and I already knew in my heart I was going to marry him. It was great incentive to get over my fear. Unfortunately my fear was not completely gone, so I had to sit down with Paul and have the same talk. I told him I was afraid of him, and mostly afraid that he was going to kiss me, and I started to explain the process of learning to be close. He didn’t even wait for me to finish, he just lunged down the sofa (where I was sitting like three feet away from him, my future husband) and kissed me. In a sappy way, I had my fairy tale in that very moment. When he kissed me, I woke up and no more being afraid. I finally broke free from the curse that was trying to ensure I would be alone forever. We spent five days together, he bought a ring, I wore it, we planned a wedding, and voila! It was that easy.
I guess I had this on my heart because last night Paul was being kind of sappy, and well, sappy is my middle name! I especially love "sappy Paul." I love being with Paul. We are nearly one month away from our two year anniversary and I just can’t imagine life without him. He is my other half, and I love being married, just like I always knew I would. I think about how the enemy tried to take that dream away from me through my fear and how I almost let him. I hate that about myself. But God promises good to those who love him, and I am so glad that I get to live out my dream. I am so happy with Paul. I feel like I lived my whole life to get to this point, to finally be married.
Paul and I have been asked to walk through a lot lately. In our first year of marriage alone Paul was unemployed for 3 months, got a job he hated, we moved across the country, he was unemployed again, we lived with his parents, he got a new job, moved into a house, and had a baby. Now he’s getting ready to be unemployed again (unless someone calls to hire him, which would be an answer to prayer right now). But we are a three year old and one baby richer than we were the year before, I think those two keep us looking ahead, and looking to God because we really can’t do any of this without Him. And we look to each other.
My faith is like Plexiglas on some days and just one cynical remark from anyone threatens to shatter it, but when I have Paul’s unwavering faith to back it up, it takes out some of the sting from the world. I just love being married, it is everything I thought it would be as a young child, and even more. Paul is such a good man and on days where I wonder where God is in all of this, I look at Paul and remember that God must really love me because I get to be with Paul for the rest of my life. If I could have sketched out 15 years ago what my ideal husband would look like, it would look exactly like Paul Krismanits (minus sports, BUT I will acknowledge that he has given up a lot for me...since he reminds me everyday ;) ). In a world where the “best man standing” is the one with the most money, the blondest wife, and kids that are all after their phd’s, Paul falls short. In the first chapter of Psalms it says, “Blessed is the man whose delight in on the law of the Lord,” and if the Bible is missing in our house, I just have to figure out where Paul was last and it’s usually lingering in that general area. Paul is one of the best men standing by my standards and I know by the Lord’s, and that is what matters most. So, Happy early anniversary Paul, keep doing what you’re doing and you’ll get where you’re trying to go. I love love love you. You are my favorite person in this world.
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