Best man standing

     At around 3 years old, I knew I wanted to be married. God put that on my heart at such a young age. When I was 4 years old I “invented” an imaginary friend that I called my brother, who went everywhere and did everything with me. I wanted that constant companionship even then. When I was 5, for Halloween I dressed as a bride, no doubt my favorite costume over the years. I kept the veil and wore it during playtime, just in case my prince showed up and wanted to whisk me away. But my reality threatened that dream. Even after I knew stability (my mom met Dave when I was 8), “fear of man” consumed me. I was desperate to fit in and have a boyfriend but anytime anyone of the opposite sex, teachers and friends alike, approached me I would freeze, sometimes tremble, and often times after the situation I would be hyperventilating in a bathroom stall. It was not a fun existence.
     By the time I was 17, I had never even held hands with a male. I was terrified, and embarrassed, all while my heart longed for someone to share my life with. I remember when I got married I asked a friend, “Can you believe it?!” and she responded, “Summer, you’ve been married to every guy you’ve ever liked, they just didn’t want to be married to you,” and that was the truth. I was always thinking of marriage.  I knew the only way to have a boyfriend was for me to approach my best guy friend (who I knew liked me) and explained to him my fear. We sat down in chairs across from one another and I said “ok let’s do this.” He would touch my shoulder. Ok, I can handle that. He would touch my knee. Ok, that wasn’t so bad. It was all very scientific. I would say, “ok try holding my hand.” When he would go for it, I would rip it away. Ok, let’s try that again. And again. I think my first kiss took about an hour to accomplish. I made him tell me each step in the process, what he was going to do, what it was going to look like, and again and again, I jumped away before it could happen. Not romantic at all, but still a means to an end. Certainly not fit for a fairy tale.
     I never got away from this, you know. God just knew it about me. That is why meeting Paul was so amazing. I met him online, so we could only talk online or on the phone. We were in love before I even met him in person. I was still scared, but I knew if I wanted to be with the man I was going to marry, which is all I really wanted out of life, I was going to have to be touched. I knew I was going to marry him before we met.  I remember standing in the airport, and my chest broke out in my famous “nervous rash.” It spread across my chest and arms and face like a red blanket. I told Paul on the phone, knowing I was going to marry him, “when I see you in the airport, I am going to kiss you!” No, that didn’t happen. Instead, I buried my head in my hands and froze. He had to come find me. That hug he gave me was indescribable, Paul gives great hugs and I think he knew a kiss wasn’t going to happen because I didn’t even look at him. I knew I had to leave with him though, I knew I loved him, and I already knew in my heart I was going to marry him. It was great incentive to get over my fear. Unfortunately my fear was not completely gone, so I had to sit down with Paul and have the same talk. I told him I was afraid of him, and mostly afraid that he was going to kiss me, and I started to explain the process of learning to be close. He didn’t even wait for me to finish, he just lunged down the sofa (where I was sitting like three feet away from him, my future husband) and kissed me. In a sappy way, I had my fairy tale in that very moment. When he kissed me, I woke up and no more being afraid. I finally broke free from the curse that was trying to ensure I would be alone forever. We spent five days together, he bought a ring, I wore it, we planned a wedding, and voila! It was that easy.
     I guess I had this on my heart because last night Paul was being kind of sappy, and well, sappy is my middle name! I especially love "sappy Paul." I love being with Paul. We are nearly one month away from our two year anniversary and I just can’t imagine life without him. He is my other half, and I love being married, just like I always knew I would. I think about how the enemy tried to take that dream away from me through my fear and how I almost let him. I hate that about myself. But God promises good to those who love him, and I am so glad that I get to live out my dream. I am so happy with Paul. I feel like I lived my whole life to get to this point, to finally be married.
     Paul and I have been asked to walk through a lot lately. In our first year of marriage alone Paul was unemployed for 3 months, got a job he hated, we moved across the country, he was unemployed again, we lived with his parents, he got a new job, moved into a house, and had a baby. Now he’s getting ready to be unemployed again (unless someone calls to hire him, which would be an answer to prayer right now). But we are a three year old and one baby richer than we were the year before, I think those two keep us looking ahead, and looking to God because we really can’t do any of this without Him. And we look to each other.    
     My faith is like Plexiglas on some days and just one cynical remark from anyone threatens to shatter it, but when I have Paul’s unwavering faith to back it up, it takes out some of the sting from the world. I just love being married, it is everything I thought it would be as a young child, and even more. Paul is such a good man and on days where I wonder where God is in all of this, I look at Paul and remember that God must really love me because I get to be with Paul for the rest of my life. If I could have sketched out 15 years ago what my ideal husband would look like, it would look exactly like Paul Krismanits (minus sports, BUT I will acknowledge that he has given up a lot for me...since he reminds me everyday  ;)  ). In a world where the “best man standing” is the one with the most money, the blondest wife, and kids that are all after their phd’s, Paul falls short. In the first chapter of Psalms it says, “Blessed is the man whose delight in on the law of the Lord,” and if the Bible is missing in our house, I just have to figure out where Paul was last and it’s usually lingering in that general area. Paul is one of the best men standing by my standards and I know by the Lord’s, and that is what matters most. So, Happy early anniversary Paul, keep doing what you’re doing and you’ll get where you’re trying to go. I love love love you.  You are my favorite person in this world.