kids and setbacks, but not setbacks with the kids :)

     I wish I could write every day. No doubt I could keep track of writing about my kids and myself, even though the two are so closely interelated. Our computer is currently charged so perhaps I should do some writing about things other than deep religious convictions…just to mix things up a bit. I don’t want this blog to be all serious.
     Jake is a fireball. I know everyone thinks he is this gentle little spirit but something seems to happen when we crossover the threshold of our front door. He has been especially wild today. He goes from one naughty deed to the next. It is the clever way not to receive a spanking. I threaten to spank when he screams at the top of his lungs, and then threaten to spank when he doesn’t listen, threaten to spank when he’s ramming his car into the fridge over and over, trying to wake his sister up in the next room. He never does the same bad thing twice, so he doesn’t get punished. Of course if he does something especially terrible, like hit his sister, discipline will ensue, but other than that he goes through the whole day being nuts and not getting into trouble. Part of it is the rain. I can think of a couple of people with no children who must be thinking, “discipline your child!” but I am taking into account that he has been cooped up these last couple of days. That is never a favorable scenario with a three year old boy. His new favorite word is of course, no. “Jake, do you want to wear your hat?” and I hear, “NOOOOO!” Ugh. It is 56 degrees in our house right now and Jake did have on socks and a coat, but he took it off over and over, and now he is just in fleece pajamas. I just gave up, he won’t let himself freeze, right?
     I love all of his new words, I’m almost grateful that he can say “no.” A speech therapist came out the other day to do an assessment and find out if he will be eligible for services the next year, and the resounding response we hear is NO! He is perfectly normal, and he was 8 months off when we started speech therapy. You know, when you are a parent, you have to pay attention to your intuition. When I was going through all of this with Jake, I had a number of moms tells me that I shouldn’t look further into Jake’s lack of speech. One older mom even told me that I was cursing Jake not to be able to speak by acknowledging the fact that he wasn’t talking. I cried and cried, fearful that I must be the most faithless, irresponsible mother in the world. I made a dr. appointment and we learned he did have a mild version of speech Apraxia. Now he can say maybe 300 words. When we started the program, he couldn’t even say “Mommy.” I am grateful that I went through with the program, no one knows your child like you do. I guess that’s what I’m trying to say. I’m often times obsessed with what other people think about me, as sad as that statement is. But in the end, as a parent it comes down to YOU. That’s it, no one else. And God forbid you let someone who doesn’t have children tell you what to think, that is the greatest crime of all. Just because you don’t remember how naïve and innocent you were before you had kids, well, that is no excuse J
     I feel bad that I had Jake so young. Of course I loved him, but I don’t think I enjoyed him. I mean, I liked dressing him, sitting him on my lap, but there were certainly times where he was sort of a burden. Not a mistake, not anything I regret, but as a 21 year old I wasn’t exactly ready to give my life up. I feel quite certain that Paul and I have made up for the first couple of months of Jake’s life where I felt this way, as now he is constantly showered with attention, probably the reason he acts out when I need just 15 minutes to do dishes. Heaven forbid we not be playing with him, which we love to do, but breaks come so few and far between. I say all of this to say, I love having a baby. Sonora Grace is just amazing. I could just lay on the floor with her for 30 minutes and watch her smile and kick and roll around. I just don’t remember having that same relationship with Jake. I love having a girl, love her pretty little smile. She is rolling over, and by that I mean using her rolling as a means to get from point A to point B. She’s all over the place! She also has two teeth now, which means I am not so incredibly excited about nursing past the first year but I’m going to try my best. I love her, love love love her and I feel like I’m getting to see what real motherhood feels like, not anything like doing it as a young single gal. Much more fulfilling.
     I guess I write about myself all of the time on this thing. I get so worried that I sound boastful. I just get excited about what I believe, and I yammer on about how happy I am, about all of things I’m learning, and I don’t mean to sound like I know everything. I’m sure you can guess what Paul said about all of this, “anyone speaking with authority is going to sound like a ‘know it all’,” and still, that is not my heart. So I guess I want to talk about my weaknesses. I’ve been in need of a mentor as of late, and I’m excited to begin meeting with Helen Sparks in the next couple of weeks. I need a seasoned lady of faith to speak into my life. I learn so much and start firing it out, and then my husband or Mom or friend will say, “yeah, but what about this?” Uhhh…I don’t know. I’m dumbfounded, yet again. Furthermore, I think I am the worst housekeeper in the entire world. We tend to have people over anyway because we love having guests, and I know they peek into my dirty showers, and see the dirt swept under the rug (Paul hates that the most) but seriously, I wonder why my husband even wants to be with me because I just cannot keep it together. I’m worst about laundry. I can do it, fold it, put it in a basket and then it never gets past that point. I’m just as bad about papers. What kind of papers? Anything, anything that comes in the mail and needs to be paid. Paul gets like a thousand collection notices from debt people and they pile up, and I eventually throw them out. Then he needs one that he pays, and can’t find the bill because I finally got around to throwing all of the papers away. It’s chaos around here. That’s the other thing. I wake up and pray for peace in this house. I turn on worship music, and sing and dance around with the kids, pray a little and the phone rings. Guess who it is? Debt collectors, calling to steal my joy. There is no way around it, no “it’s not your fault you’re in debt,” because that is entirely untrue. Except that it isn’t my debt, but since Paul and I are ONE, it is mine. I’m made very aware of that after I explain that Paul is at work and they ask for his wife. Yes, it is my debt too, and I hate it. I’m so burdened by it. We have consolidated half of it, have two of them on payment plans. We can’t even afford heat right now, Paul is days away from losing his job, and yet the collectors call treating us as if we are scum. We were heading to the Chapel Valentines day dance that someone sponsored us to go to (best gift ever!) when one called and I explained that I couldn’t talk because we were on the way out the door. He told me that I had no business going out to eat when I owed them money. Those guys are ruthless. I told him it was free for us to go because it was, but I get so tired of them calling. It totally puts me in a slump. I feel so dirty when the phone rings, I say “Hello,” hear no response, and hang up promptly.
    So there, I am a disaster of a woman. I do love the Lord, and I know that through Him I am no disaster at all, don’t be fooled though. I write all of this because I was at a friend’s house recently and I peaked into a bedroom to see laundry folded on the floor. It was like a wave of relief just rushed through me. It was a great feeling to know that I wasn’t alone, that my struggles are shared. I do not feel glad that she shares my setbacks, but justified. Just know that I struggle, so much sometimes that I just want to hide away in a cave and let no one know me. God’s grace is so good, and I know he’ll take care of me. I also know that I will not always be walking through this season in life. Still, I am human. Big surprise, right?