I don’t write on marriage often. Many times my process in marriage is deeply personal, because what else in this life, besides parenting, fashions itself to unravel your comfort zones and spotlight insecurities? Who wants to talk about that? Not me! Let’s talk about breakthrough and wisdom and God secrets! That’s my philosophy!
But, God- He keeps inviting me into His wisdom for my marriage and often it’s so simple, yet so opposite of how I approach prayer and relationships. So, here’s a recent nugget of truth God deposited in my heart that shifted my perspective.
Several weeks ago I was sitting in a garden at dawn. The rain was lightly pattering the tin roof that I sat beneath and my heart began to expand with gratitude towards my Creator. He loves me. The sudden revelation seemed to take root in a deeper way than I’d known before and all I could do was sit alone (a true rarity) and cry. Then Paul joined me. He appreciated the surroundings and sentiment of my experience but began talking about hope, how hope was so difficult for him to grab onto anymore. He was tired, worn down, and began asking if God even cared about our lives. Just seconds before, a simple contentment had led me to tears, and the dichotomy of Paul’s doubt and pain was like sandpaper to my softened heart. Instantly I called him out so that he became afraid to enter vulnerability, which led us into a continued debacle of his view, “It’s okay to feel hard things and express them,” and my view, “Well, of course it is...as long as those hard things are not outright lies!” And, around and around we went until both of us were hurting and not speaking.
I know that I am not Paul's Holy Spirit. I’ve been married long enough to know that. I can remember an older mentor of mine encouraging me to drop Paul off at the throne of God when I’m at the end of what I can control, which is basically myself. That has been a wonderful tool, allowing me to let go and reconcile even when I wasn’t ready to or didn’t feel a situation was fully resolved. This last argument was no different. I went to God and in my mind, I saw myself surrendering fully. In my prayer time later, I began asking God to prune Paul- all of the rejection he’s experienced, the orphaned heart, the fear of failure and what I perceived as ingratitude. I guess you could say my truest prayer was, “Holy Spirit….get ‘em!” I felt I was seeing clearly on the issue, and I didn't feel bitter, but its a good thing I wasn’t finished praying! Sometimes I stop with my own words, “Do this, do that...thank you, amen.” I don’t give a voice to the Father. Thankfully I made space for discourse, and the gentle voice of God whispered to my heart, “Paul...my humble servant. So strong and enduring. He is only afraid, but fear has met its match in my love. So, when you pray, ask that Paul would experience greater depths of my love. Ask that His heart would be wide open to me. Ask that he would experience tangible grace. Do not ask that I would limit my outpouring, for his breakthrough of healing could very well come through a deep longing answered.”
God said the final sentence because in the earlier prayer, I felt ashamed I prayed so often for Paul’s desires to be met. I thought, “No wonder God hasn’t given him the desires of his heart. Dude’s got problems!!! I’ll pray for his problems.”
But, God, He thinks and moves so differently than my human mind. Repentance is born of God’s kindness. Fear is removed in perfect love. So, pray for blessing, God says. Pray for a greater capacity of receiving love.
Then I had a picture of a wilted bush. I understood that it represented a broken piece of Paul’s heart. Then I heard my prayer over the sickly plant, “PRUNE HIM!” Again the gentle voice of the Father reminded me, “I don’t prune a weak bush.” There is a time and place for pruning, and it’s when we’ve been in a season of refreshing and growth. Not when we’re hurting.
Isn’t He good????
Paul and I reconciled as soon as I communicated the voice of the Father to him. I could hardly wait to read him my journal. “He loves you! He loves you so much!”
Last week we had the opportunity to attend a conference in Los Angeles where Paul and I both experienced a refreshing time with Jesus. More of God's love filled our hearts, and Paul's hope was restored in full.
Last week we had the opportunity to attend a conference in Los Angeles where Paul and I both experienced a refreshing time with Jesus. More of God's love filled our hearts, and Paul's hope was restored in full.
The next time Paul and I found ourselves in a disagreement, I simply prayed quietly, “Love him, Lord. Break into his heart and pour in your love. Remove fear from our hearts, remove fear from our conversation. Help us speak truth in love.”
I’m so grateful for the voice of the Father, the still, small voice that speaks through the storm and beckons us to quiet our hearts and hear truth. So much of manipulation and control, outbursts, escaping- all the coping mechanisms, are born of fear. And, we don’t need to be pruned, we need to be known and loved.
