Today is Jacob’s 4th birthday. “Four years old” sounds absolutely outrageous to me, I can hardly believe it. Although I do not intend to top last year’s tribute blog to him, if that were even possible, I do find it necessary to reflect upon the joy of being his parent.
He is a joy, in all sense of the word. I always think to myself as he’s lying in my arms, no matter the amount of children added to our family I know I won't love Jake more, but I don’t know that I will ever experience such a heart connect as we have. Because he’s my first. Because he was born into a mess of emotions and uncertainty. And because his life each day is a reminder, is my every present proof that God promises to never forsake me, and that He will make all things work together for good. And He most certainly has. Jake’s life resounds that to me the most of all.
I am not sure what I expected from a son. Actually, I had nearly zero expectations because I had little exposure to boys growing up, having grown up with just a sister and having mostly girl friends. I would affirm to myself what good “guy” friends I had but when it came to having a son, I really could not think of any man that I wanted my son to emulate, not even my closest friends and family. It’s still mostly true, and I have a wonderful husband who makes an excellent role model for Jake. It feels like no one absent of fault really exists. And it’s not that I expect perfection from Jake, it’s just that I expect the best from him and so often in our culture we expect men to give society’s best, but not their personal best. I want Jake to be true to himself. I want him to defy all odds, to stand out! Allowing that has meant that I have had to give up many of my misconceptions of what it would look like to raise a son. Here are a couple of things I’ve learned:
1) There are going to be “guns” in the house, no matter how much I prevent it. There is going to be the daily death of bad guys on my living room floor and back deck and I better accept it.
2) Jesus is a friend to us, but He’s also quite useful at protecting us from sharks, lions, and bears. Oh yes, and the illustrious bad guys who lurk behind every corner.
3) I can continue to spend hundreds of dollars of my money, and my family’s money to acquire for Jake the very best of every technological gadget known to the toddler world. But at the end of the day it really comes down to trucks pulling dog leashes pulling more trucks down the hallway. Shooting bad guys.
4) Telling Jake that carrots and broccoli will give him giant man muscles is not so productive. Bribing him with a new matchbox truck is . I mean, providing “incentive.”
5) Errands with Mommy are monotonous and boring, unless we can nickname each store we visit with something that corresponds with the likelihood of a treat. Hence Wal-mart has become the “car store,” we grocery shop at the “cookie store,” and any trips to the Casino for family bowling night is known famously as heading out to “the fun place.” Oh yes, we know how to raise our kids: toys, sugar, and arcade games.
6) You can’t just say anything you want to around here. If Mommy tells Daddy his “butt is cute,” it’s coming out of Jake’s mouth the next day. That’s a true story. Not to mention Jake’s syntax with a high strung Mommy: “You cain’t be freakin’ out.” What a nice reminder from a 3 year old.
7) The Gap navy pin striped polo is so not cool. Mommy chooses it to pair nicely with narrow-lined skinny jeans and converse shoes all the while Jake responds, “I need a monster truck shirt and my boots.” And I know it’s just plain evil for me to tell him that his outfit is downright okie but don’t I get some input. Somewhere?
8) I never realized how much I didn’t know until I had a toddler. Who wants to know everything. “Where do beans come from? Where does metal come from? Where does rice come from? Where do trees come from?” I usually answer everything with “God.“ Until Jake assumes such things as, “God makes big monster trucks?” Uhh, um, no. “God makes chicken nuggets?” Uhmhh hmm, not really. Thank God for You tube and google.
9) Every time I want him to pick up his miniature guitar and sing “Jesus loves me” it somehow morphs into “trucks going in the mud and getting stuck and being dirty and chains pull it out of the mud, runnin’ over bad guys” all to such a melodious tune.
10) I assume he’s rough and tumbly and dirty and all mechanical in the head. Until he pats his sister on the back and says, “You such a pretty girl, yes you are wittle girl, you’re so pretty.” And I realize that out of all the things we have tried to teach him, only a couple things have really stuck. A) He does seem to understand that God loves him and B) All girls are princesses.
I will be honest. I don’t know what the heck I’m doing. We’re on a schedule, off a schedule. Making meal plans, then winging it day by day. Mommy’s tired, Daddy’s stir crazy, and the kids just want to bring every single thing from their toy box and plunk it on the living room floor. And the adults are screaming, “Whyyyyy?” and the kids are whining, “just because we wanted to.” No one has any logical sense right now in this house, and least of all me because I’m trying to hold down the fort. But I think each of us brings something remarkable to the table in our family and for Jake, it is joy. It is justice and an outcry for it at any cost. And every second. I don’t know what the future holds for Jake and that scares me because he is fearless and the passion in his heart burns like crazy, we are working overtime to figure out how to shape it into something good for the kingdom. Most of the time we are just in awe that a 4 year old could have such strong convictions about right and wrong and what is fair and what isn’t.
The verse that the Lord gave my family and I for Jake was Isaiah 43. It says “You will walk through fire and not be burned,” and it came at a time where Jake was standing in flames. I still cannot see any way out of what we walked through but the hand of God. And so many times I’ve prayed that verse over him, “Fear not, for I have redeemed you, I have summoned you by name you are Mine. When you pass through the waters they will not sweep over you, when you walk through the fires you will not be burned because you are precious in my sight and because I love you.” I know that isn’t the last time Jake will walk through flames or be under torrential rains. But we walk in victory because if there is one thing we know to be true in Jake’s life, it is that God has a destiny for him, and that he is more than a conqueror in Christ Jesus.
We love him so much. I can’t imagine parenting a better kid. I have been meditating on a verse from Psalms (I think it’s 32, where did I put that Bible…) anyway, “What joy have those whose sins have been forgiven, whose consciences have been cleared of guilt.” I just breath in deep God’s goodness. I call Jake my “sin baby” sometimes…because, well, he was. But what joy have those whose sins have been forgiven. I cannot even describe it. But here is a glimpse:
Summer, this is such a heartfelt post! Happy birthday to Jake!! I often think about what raising a boy entails, because I want to be certain I am raising a boy who will become a man with great moral strength and good character and a sweet heart. The thing I keep coming back to is that if my intentions are pure & good, he will learn what he needs to from me because I care enough to want to teach it to him. If I didn't care who Lucas becomes, then I would not put the time and energy into teaching him anything.
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