Expectations

     Do you ever feel like maybe you didn’t quite get what you expected? I always say that the verse for my life is Ephesians 3:20, *hint hint*, it’s the url of my blog! My life is above and beyond what I imagined…but expected? Not so much. Take ‘ol Reagan for example, our loveable Shih Tzu puppy. Her last owners gave her to us because they both worked and she was a hard dog to take care of.  Paul was unemployed at the time and I am a stay at home mom so we assured ourselves that we could handle a high maintenance dog. But I brushed her tail one time and I was done with that mess. And she got dirty. Really dirty. We were forced to pay to get her groomed, and in our infinite money saving wisdom we told the groom to shave her to the skin because her hair grows so fast…she can wear a sweater, but I will not pay for a dog to be professionally groomed more than twice a year! That makes sense, right? Now our once furry, darling dog looks like an alien terrorist! Or more like a dog of the hairless variety. Last night I took her to bed with me and Paul warned, “If you wake up facing her, I’m afraid you’re going to freak out.” Definitely a possibility so she slept in her crate last night. 

Anyway, all that to say, much of my life the last two weeks have been what I never expected. My “dream come true” marriage has been not exactly what I always imagined marriage to be. We have had to work harder at this thing, and at changing our own selves. Of course, we're going to be ok.  But gazing into my beloved's eyes on the evening of our wedding, could I ever imagined such disagreements would take place?  Gee, we're both firstborns...but that probably won't matter. 

Getting internet has been a blessing, and yet I feel it stealing me away. I see it beckoning Paul in the mornings…and all of the sudden, all of the time we once used to eat breakfast as a family has been taken up by face book and news blogs. We’ve had to find a balance, once that my flesh nature hates. But nonetheless, when little Sonora comes to me, takes my hand and leads me away, I take a hint.

My schedule is not what I expected. First of all, right in this second, I am tired. I am exhausted. I am not sure why because I ate pretty good this morning and I got good sleep. I check in on my schedule maybe twice a week, just to see if I’m anywhere close to where I want to be. Never happens.

I worked on the kids room and have found myself in a rut. I am almost done, but I seem to have lost momentum. I need an end table from Paul’s parents house, I need to finish sewing a curtain, I need to paint scripture on the wall (and I need a printer to print off the stencils of the letters..). Oh, who has time for all of that? Better yet, who has energy for that? Ok, not me, to both of those questions.

Not to mention, I have sort of sold out to the health food movement. I think I was the voice of criticism that spoke freely of my disapproval. There are reasons to do the health movement that I don’t agree with. There is the chance that it will become an idol in my life. And I am trying to avoid the negative portion. My husband has warned often that the only thing he hears out of my mouth these days are “food, garden, compost, food, Sauer kraut, food, garden.” I hear myself talking, and yes, it is annoying! But I am finding that I at least enjoy this way of life. It’s hard for me, there is so much to learn. One of the issues that turned me off once before is this question: when is it ever enough? I can tell that I feel better when I avoid sugar and white flour. That’s all fine and good, but using other flours, and having foods in a “raw state” is expensive. And different. And did I mention expensive? So we have been having soaked brown rice with soaked lentils and bone broth for nights on end. And we haven’t made the switch over to organic meat because well, I think the word expensive could be inserted here too. I can hear the health gurus in my head, “can you really put a price on health?” Uh, yeah, $200 budget a month for groceries. But, I am trying. And I am enjoying this way of life. I am thrilled about gardening, and cannot wait to meet my heirloom seeds. I am picking up manure for my planter boxes tomorrow, to add to the brown leaves and kitchen compost that I added last week. Did I mention that I think all of this is fun. I also, after making a solid case to Paul, have gotten a solid “YES” that I can add chickens to the backyard in a coop. So the idea of gardening and even getting my eggs from the backyard just blows my mind. Last year if you would have told me that I would even want to own chickens I would have glared at you. But this is me humbling myself: I am enjoying this, in baby steps.

And as for my kids. My sweet angels. Or maybe that was the expectation? They are being good, getting along like never before. I keep thinking about God’s grace as I watch them holding hands and skipping around together. This morning Jake said, “Sonora, you are just the cutest little girl.” I didn’t really teach him to do all this, did I? I mean, we do say that our brothers and sisters are the best gift that God will ever give us on this earth. But I had no idea they actually listened. What a blessing! I seriously get in little grooves where we will wake up and pray together and do a Bible study, memorize scriptures. And then we’ll kind of hit a one week dead zone of doing nothing. And still, when I hear Jake say, “Jesus says…” and quote some scripture we went over three weeks ago I am reminded that even where I perceive that I’ve failed, God is using it for good. Thank the Lord for that!

And Jake, he is not the easy going, laid back kid he once was. He’s getting a will.

And Sonora Grace is not a delicate princess that I thought my first daughter would be. I can dress her up, brush her hair, but she still wants to be doing something other than what I’d like her to be doing. Something that her brother is doing.

But if we got everything we expected, when would we laugh? Or cry? Or be glad for surprises from our Father?

I think out of all of these things, the fact that my dog looks like a hairless weasel is sort of smile inducing. Like every second that we look at her.