This week my husband was told he couldn’t go on his Israel Mission trip unless he raised $1500- raised, because we didn’t have the money. It was a really cloudy week, weather wise, but also in our minds and hearts. I was given a ticket to the prophetic conference from a friend who couldn’t go on the same day an Israel team leader prophesied to Paul that she thought we should go to the conference because we were going to receive a word that would change our life. That excited me, obviously.
This same day, an acquaintance/power house business woman I know (I love women in business!) invited me to apply for a part-time position that was opening up in her company. I tossed the idea around in my mind a lot. For years I have tossed the idea around that I could work and be a mom, but I never found a safe place to test that stirring. All the while, I’ve been home, dying. In a good way. I’ve been laying down my life, doing hard things with grace as my propeller. Lots of times, I dream of working because I know I would do a better job at that than I am at home, and let’s face it, what’s better than being proud of yourself? Well, maybe learning to forgive yourself and start over- that’s a worthy skill too and has been more of my season. I found myself excited about the prospect of a job, not that I am even insinuating that I will get the job, or choose to work if I don’t get the job. I don’t know. The point is, during worship I was asking God whether I should apply or not. He asked me why I wouldn’t apply and my first thought was, “Because, I would like doing it.”
Bam. Exposed lie: I think I’m only serving God if I’m swimming up the creek. I learned I can be prideful about "working" as a staying at home mom because I know what I’ve sacrificed to grow in this calling. God asked me, “You don’t think I want you to be happy?”
I said no. Yikes. I love my kids. I love my husband. I am addicted and comfortable to my routine. But in my heart, I miss connecting with people. We hear so often that God loves our weaknesses- which is totally truth, but He gave us our weaknesses and our strengths.
God began to tell me the truth, that while there are seasons of pruning, there are also seasons of tasting fruit. While there are seasons of sacrifice, there are also seasons of learning to receive. He told me that Paul and I have learned how to sacrifice, but now He will began to teach us to receive. He told me to humble myself, and to believe that He wants me whole and happy.
I believe that I can have joy anywhere because God is fullness of joy. He is my Father and Friend, and I have found a lot of grace at home. The problem is that I am afraid to receive. I am afraid to steward. I am afraid to FAIL. Thankfully, God sent me a good teacher to help me figure this thing out. I observed more than 15 foreigners attending the conference, and I had been given my ticket for free. I didn't have to sacrifice anything. Paul’s mission trip was paid off that day, and actually received over $1500 so funds spilled over into his ministry trip account, and he was approved to travel with Bill Johnson next month.
As the week continued, I was beyond expectant for a prophetic word that was going to change my life. Nothing. On Friday night, I enjoyed the conference, but my expectation was not satisfied. Paul asked me why and I said, “because I didn’t receive a prophetic word that changed my life.”
He scrunched up his face, “What about the word you got the first night about God teaching our family to receive, and giving us the fruit of our pruning season? Didn’t He teach you that you can lay down your life and still follow your dreams?”
Receiving- It's hard to do. I realized that although God’s word to me had been timely, and even confirmed through various miracles of generosity, I didn’t value myself enough to receive it. God is moving me into a season of learning to receive, and the first test I faced was, "Can you receive from yourself?" I am not a prophetic word chaser by any means, but I would rather have a stranger prophesy over me than prophesy over myself. I felt God saying, “No, prophesy over yourself.” That night I had a dream and I was prophesying in it, but I turned to God and said, “I don’t even know what to prophesy!” and He told me, “It’s easy, just prophesy what you know.” For the past few days I’ve answered the call, “I love people. I love connecting with others. I love my children. I am a good mother. I am a faithful wife. My kids are so powerful.” The truth is, it’s not about me receiving just from myself, but from my union with Him. I’m processing the power of receiving, realizing if I can’t receive, I can’t have a full revelation of the cross. Learning to receive is a worthy pursuit, so thank you Jesus for prophetic words that change my life, especially when I give them to MYSELF. Ha!
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