Piecing together an Identity Crisis

It may or may not surprise you to know a simple fact about me: I do not know who I am. It’s true. Sure, I have had several ideas or glimpses into the life I want via what other’s lives look like, but all in all, I have felt off and on, clueless. Now that we are in Bethel Culture, there is a heavy emphasis on identity. “Who are you?” “Who did God make you to be?” I have known the answer to these questions for most of my life. But as the old saying goes, “when the rubber hit’s the asphalt,” what does that really look like? Now that I am starting to tread into what I thought God had for me, I can see especially how ill equipped I am. And it’s frightening.

I share this because I recently attended the Believability Conference through Steve Backlund and Paul Manwarring. I can honestly say that I will never be the same after this experience. Steve quoted Francis Frangipane several times, saying that “any area of your life that is not glistening with hope is rooted in a lie from the enemy, and it creates a stronghold on your belief system.” Do you want to know how many lies I believe? Perhaps millions. In fact, a friend of mine in the conference got a word from the Lord to buy me Steve’s book. He told me the Lord says it is a season where I will start to see truth. Ironically enough, it’s the truth that sets free. It’s the truth that has been derailing me from everything I thought I had figured out. So while this process should be simple, gratifying, and empowering, I have a tendency to make life much more difficult than it needs to be (let’s just laugh at that (if you have ever listened to Steve Backlund you will understand!)). So I attended this life changing conference where Jesus broke so much off of me, at one point during an encounter I really wasn’t sure where I was when I woke up. That is good stuff. It changed me.

I want to be honest because I have a lot floating around in my head. I have had several times where the Lord has shown me a picture of my future, and every vision fits together to portray a certain lifestyle. This is the life I have wanted since I was 10. Several weeks ago He showed me a house, and it was a party place. Oh yes, it was wild with enthusiasm and joy. At least 15 little faces smiled back at me, they were Asian, Hispanic, African, and of course, a few of the children from my womb thrown in there. I immediately said, yes, to this. That yes came from deep within my spirit. Then, during the conference, Paul Manwarring gave us this scenario: He is the most anointed, trusted prophet in all of the world. Highly sought after. He looks at each of us and tells us our destiny and the moment it falls from his lips and onto each of us we think, “I knew he was going to say that.” It resonates with us. The object of it all was to realize what God has put in us. What is our destiny? I prayed with the woman who just happened to be sitting next to me, and when I told her my destiny she surprised me in saying that she had 8 children, and two more that her and her husband were adopting from Brazil. Woah, divine appointments! As I prayed, the Lord showed me their little faces again, running through the house, yelling, laughing, wrestling, the front door constantly open for them to filter in and out as they please. My husband beaming over all of them. Our heritage. Our covering. And in that place I called out to the Lord again, “Bring them all to us, we’ll do it! We will take them all! We will rent a convention center to host Christmas!”

In my day to day life though, I shake my head at myself. Because three children is a lot of work. Because staying at home is a real struggle for me. I want to go and do, and I feel like my children sometimes keep me from my “real” dreams…like writing, and going back to school, becoming a therapist, and being the person at that high school reunion that makes people say, “Welp, she did it.”
And part of all of this is wrapped up in the fact that I would actually be good at getting a Ph.d, being a business professional, writing non-fiction books in my field of expertise, and other things that sorta interest me. Then there is the fear that I would not be a good mom to a multitude, which is what I believe God is starting to plant deep in my heart. As I am being "watered" by His presence I can feel it all start to rise up in me, and I very much want to just push it back down!
Being a mom is a laid down life. It is not glorious, and receives little to no thanks. I haven't showered in 3 days, and I chose to blog over taking a shower. Being emotionally stable is more important than being clean! The joke of the morning was that my husband hadn't showered in so long that he smelled like "the meat from Taco Bell." Ya, that's a stink! I am well aware that adoption can be messy. In fact, I was looking into a California agency yesterday and my heart broke for these four Latino siblings. Three of them are completely “normal” as far as developmentally goes, but the 4th child is blind and has learning disabilities. The State wants them to stay together no matter what, and I just prayed for them, that someone would take the time. I told Paul about the situation, and while we are in no place to adopt just yet he immediately agreed that we would adopt a blind child. That surprised me. In that moment I just let my eyes look to Heaven and thought, what are you getting me into?
Now it’s all I think about. It’s all I desire. I feel like I am in a war in my spirit between what I want and what I believe I am actually capable of. But I came to this conclusion as I nursed Cori down for nap time (and I was thinking, “I hate nap time…my kids never cooperate for nap time. I can’t believe I want 15 children when I can’t even get THREE to nap at the SAME TIME!”), I decided to think different for a moment. Often times people will help you determine your destiny by asking  you “what do you enjoy doing? What makes you come alive? Why do you get up in the morning?”
Hmmm, I get up in the morning because my kids wake me up! Not because I’m in any kind of a hurry to see their smiling faces at 7 am, though I love them. But that’s the point. On a day to day basis, I really do not enjoy being a mom. I mean, it’s so much tough love, so much consistent discipline, so much go-go-go.  So much fighting for nap times to happen, and bed times, and “finish your food,” and wondering in my heart if I am doing enough to help them love God. I am exhausted, ya'll!

(I should insert here that some of it is about the season I am in. If you don’t frequent my blog often, you should know that I have only lived here in Redding for 8 months. I don’t have many close friends just yet, and my husband works part time and goes to school. My in-laws whom I dearly loved died in a car accident almost 5 months ago and I wish I could call my mother-in-law more than anything. If I told her all of this, she would laugh at me and tell me that we would collaborate this whole thing, and she would come over and do laundry three days a week, and keep them 3 days a week, and meet me at the grocery store every week to help me shop, and buy my diapers. She would probably actually only live up to about half of those promises, but she would have been all over this thing. She would have said, “Hey, if I wasn’t sick, Wolf and I would have had many more kids. We would have adopted more, I know we would have. In fact, we talked about it…,” and on and on. And I would have gotten off the phone and thought, “this can be done,” even if, and I knew it, she was a dreamer. Like me. One time she called me from the church. She was meeting with a  grandmother whose granddaughter was planning on aborting a special needs baby. She said, “Summer, I told them that you guys would take the baby, and if Paul says no, I’m going to do it!” Her and I lived in these sort of whimsical fantasy lands all of the time.  But her dreaming really set me free to dream, and I don’t really know anyone else as irrational as she was. And I actually really liked that about her, because I am not much different when it comes to dreaming with the Lord. All that to say, you get it. Right?)

So back to my original point. I really do not think that my destiny has near as much to do with what I am good at, and what I enjoy as much as what I know I could not live without. Because even though I resent my job some days, I would die before I’d give it up. Sometimes I see creepy people in the parking lot, and I envision what might happen if they ran towards my kids. I would unlatch my Volvo key (I have one of those switchblade keys), and then stab their eyes out while ripping their vocal cords out with my teeth. Yeah, I think about this stuff! I do not want to do anything else but be a mom, even if there are things I’m better at, and several things I enjoy doing more.  If I didn’t have this, I would want this. That’s why I got it in the first place! I wanted it. And I want all of those little faces, like, right this second. I would do it if the Lord told me this was the right time. All the while, sticking my heels in the sand saying, “this is too much for me!” Michelle Duggar always says, “Where He guides, He provides.” I am at a place where the Lord is showing me where I am on my way to…it’s a variation of what Heidi calls, “On the edge living,” and it frightens me. Even I am famous for saying, "it is HIM in me that makes this all possible," but I also realize that life won't be simple just because I love the Lord.

The truth of the matter is, this season is not nearly about my identity, destiny, or “nailing down the pieces” as much as it is learning to trust God. It doesn't get much simpler than that, right?

1. When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word,
   What a glory He sheds on our way!
   While we do His good will, He abides with us still,
   And with all who will trust and obey.
   • Refrain:
     Trust and obey, for there’s no other way
     To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.
2. Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies,
   But His smile quickly drives it away;
   Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear,
   Can abide while we trust and obey.
3. Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share,
   But our toil He doth richly repay;
   Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross,
   But is blessed if we trust and obey.
4. But we never can prove the delights of His love
   Until all on the altar we lay;
   For the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows,
   Are for them who will trust and obey.
5. Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet,
   Or we’ll walk by His side in the way;
   What He says we will do, where He sends we will go;
   Never fear, only trust and obey." 

My Roses

I love the roses in my backyard. They are breathtaking and splendid, plentiful to the point of filling my backyard with a sweet rose petal aroma. I love it. When I am out back tending to my pitiful seedlings that I have planted, I see my roses and think, at least I have those.

Yesterday I was walking through my backyard, planting some cabbage in containers (gardening is a faith act for me!), and thinking about the free gift of those roses. I didn’t plant them, I moved into a house that already had at least 15 rose bushes that have been well maintained over the years. They are the biggest rose bushes I’ve ever seen in my life. It got me thinking about the sowing and reaping concept that we see in scripture. I think about it a lot, particularly because I consistently get words that my family and I will see some fruits from our sowing. It takes patience, and has been a constant process of testing our faith and hope. Even as I was sowing my seeds for the garden, I was gleeful at all the spiritual symbolic issues that just poke a believer in the eye when they’re gardening. It’s just life! Sowing and reaping is a fun concept. But when my seeds didn’t come up the first time, I was bummed to say the least. Then I over planted a second time and watched as my plants didn’t get very strong because they were fighting for root space, and I ended up having to sacrifice a couple for the good of the strongest seedling, which was still sort of weak looking. I bought some fertilizer and managed to transplant the strong seedlings into a bigger home. I am praying that I will indeed reap what I sow in my garden, and in my life.

(My seedlings, fighting for life!)

Yesterday as I worked in my garden I was struck by the roses, and I realized that the most beautiful things in my life were actually not things from which I had sown for, but gifts that have been freely given to me. It reminded me of a dream I had the other night. I was at this sort of plantation, or huge farm that was shared by a community. When I showed up and started meeting people, these young girls were harvesting from a garden. I was so impressed by the size of the vegetables, and begin to complement them. So they simply said, “Here, you can have some.” There I was with a  small wooden wheel barrel and these girls began to fill it up to the brim with the biggest squash and pumpkins that I had ever seen. The dream had a really interesting twist at the end that I don’t want to go into, but I remembered this dream as I was standing by my roses. I was thinking about how good my God is to me, and how He loves all of us so much, He literally gives His children a harvest that we haven’t fully earned. I was trying to think of a Biblical reference for my mini-revelation here, and it took some time. I could definitely think of plenty of reaping and sowing messages, but none for my idea that God gives freely. Then I remembered the ultimate message of the New Testament just happens to be about the gift of Jesus, a free gift that none of us can earn. Sowing and reaping is a true principle on earth, very give and take. But when you take this principle and insert it into the Kingdom, we are dealing with a God that multiplies. Our efforts are not for naught. If we do nothing but confess the name of Jesus, we receive a harvest. We come into a garden, and even with no prior experience, are given the best He has to offer. I battle my will to trust God abandoned to logic, and yet, He trusts me. It’s the beauty of the gospel. Who can come before this sort of love and not fully be given over to it? I have never cared for roses before, in fact, I don’t even know where to start when it comes to watering and pruning, and He gave them to me anyway. It feels me with such passion for this art of gardening that I’ve never even experienced before, simply because I want to steward my gift. Not because He tells me to, but because it’s too beautiful to let slip away.

I love the things that turn up when I sow in faith. I look forward to the fruition of these many items of focus I’ve had over the years. I get excited especially when I realize that it’s not just me, that all of these actions and requests float upward towards the throne of grace where God touches them with His very hand, or breathes life over them. It’s like, we can’t help but to prosper in all that we do, whether we’re giving or receiving. So step out in faith, sow towards something impossible and see what hope in an extravagant God can do for you. If you’re like me, in a place where your “seedlings” look a little wispy, tread on over to where the roses are and see what else God is doing in your life. The bountiful harvest of a life not lived in vain, but one with purpose and beauty, lived out before and alongside a Father who is passionately in love with His child. Take some time to “smell the roses,” as the old saying goes. The free gifts in our lives are simply the fragrance of His love, and the testimony of His favor.