Even though I spend a considerable amount of time blogging about what I believe, and well, what I choose not to believe and then everything in between, I thought it would be wise to write a little bit about how things have been. After all, that was the reason entirety that I began an online blog. Then it felt like I had an outlet for expressing myself. Sure, I could do it on facebook where all of the young 'uns could disagree with me, with great zest, haste, conviction, and absolutely no scientific method as to why they arrived at any conclusion (...homeschoolers ;) )**. I can pretty much write whatever I want to on here with little to no feedback and even though it's sad that my audience is so limited, I do not lend myself to confrontational backdrops anyhow. Ok, so where was I? Ah, yes, LIFE. (**no knock on homeschoolers, I will probably raise a couple myself!)
I know what the world thinks about children. I do not want to say what I think about them, although I will say that my husband and I take a far more positive approach than do some. So there, it isn't at all condemnatory. We love children, we want more children, as many as God would have us to have. We wouldn't trade our strong-willed children for any in the world. We struggle, sweat, cry, lose sleep, wonder if we're even doing this right, and can barely get the words out as we lie knocked out on our backs in bed, muffled and strung out the words come, 'we want more?'
But the truth is, we do want more. Despite the season we have been walking through. Jake has decided that he doesn't want to sleep. He doesn't want to nap, although when he doesn't he acts like an animal that desperately needs to be caged. He screams, kicks, fights, ignores every word out of our mouths. We say, "he's tired" to strangers and they've heard the excuse a thousand times, but it is the truth. If he gets a good nap, it makes the day nearly 500% easier than it would have been otherwise, a little winged cherub. However, come 8:00 he is not ready to sleep. We spank him, and spank him, sit in his room and hold his hand until he falls asleep, read books outside his room until he falls asleep, in the course of five weeks we have tried almost everything. Still, he laughs and sings songs, 'Jesus loves me,' of all things, maybe that will keep me from beating him! Even in the chaos I can't help but to laugh.
Mommy: "Goodnight Jake. If you go night-night you can have dreams about fire trucks!"
Jake: "I want apple cider."
Sometimes I just give up, as long as he stays in bed we guess it'll be ok. Sometimes we'll hear him on the monitor at 11:00, you know, playing with Woody and Buzz and pushing trucks around on the floor.
Believe it or not, Jake is the "good one." Sonora Grace doesn't sleep unless she is nursing. So I nurse her for 20 minutes, carefully detach her and inch by inch roll away as if I'm doing some precise military boot camp drill, and as soon as my big toe touches the carpet, she wails. The truth is, she has no reason to be afraid. All I do is hold her. All I do is nurse her while she sleeps. She has what we would call separation anxiety. I told my Mom that I deserve this because it used to hurt my feelings that Jake would go to anybody. Not sister! You know though, I love it. It is difficult when I have to brush my teeth, pee, do my makeup, get dressed, eat breakfast, lunch, dinner, make Jake breakfast, lunch, and dinner and do laundry and any sort of cleaning, having only one hand is not conducive to doing hardly anything at all. Yet, we make it work because hearing her scream for an hour (yes, it takes over an hour to get her to cry to sleep) makes me even crazier.
When I think about all of our problems- even though problems typically have solutions, I wonder if I'm doing ok. I do not seem to be fitting into the class of parents whose kids always behave perfectly. My mom and I have been somewhat picking on my grandparents as of late. They are always worried about the mundane-est of things. That's what grandparents do, after all. I've been trying to remove myself from the "details," and concentrate on the scope of it all. Certainly discipline is important, direction, love, family, and so on. Those are the kinds of things I want to keep my eyes on. "Training them the way they should go," and to not let the enemy get me worked up over a season.
My childless friends (I'm only friends with them if I have to be ;) ) know I get irritated sometimes with them. I think some of it is jealousy because I see them with their lives and I look at mine and think where did it go? My life is made up of my kids. I wonder why I always have to sacrifice so much of myself. My family and friends when I moved to California, my hobbies, my likes and dislikes, everything has changed since I had children. We want more? I wonder if Jesus every felt like that. He gave up his family to travel, gave up his trade, had to let go friends who weren't willing to give up the world to have him. Having kids makes me understand the gospel because "greater love hath no other than to lay down his life for a friend" and that is parenting. Say goodbye to your life, but say hello to beautiful new life. Somehow we miss that part. It's the best part of all.
Sometimes, this gets old. Frustrating, overwhelming, repetitive beyond belief but I love it. I can't get enough of it. Story time before bed, nursing my little girl, all five of us on the couch (our yellow lab is the middle child) watching a movie with popcorn and coca-cola, hearing Jake sing all of the songs he knows, watching Sonora learn the world around her, it is all way too much to give up. My life before isn't nearly worth what I have now. Christmas in 40 years, I hope there are a hundred of us gathered around the table, a houseful of heritage, that is all I want. To get there, I have to get through this. It's just a season. These seasons are tough, trying, terrible sometimes. It is all we can do to get through a day.
We want more? Paul looks over and smiles, "You know, it would be kind of exciting to have another." I nod in total agreement.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Is it really 2011?
I had the same new years resolution for 8 years in a row and last year was the first time that it was actually fulfilled. My resolution: gain weight. No doubt it sticks out among normal resolutions. It goes without mentioning, two children later, I’ve accomplished something extraordinarily big for me. However, perhaps it is time to pick a new resolution, preferably something that doesn’t take me 8 years to conquer.
This year started difficult. I was lonely, guilt ridden, and more often than not, felt like Lot’s wife, looking back on my old life not even able to see the promise land God had put before me. God had mercy on this stubborn, scared woman that I was. I had the privilege of giving birth again this year to a healthy baby girl. I also got to watch Jacob grow a little more into his star personality. We did not prosper at all on our own. In fact, in this year, our roommate moved out leaving us to pay $300 extra a month to keep our house, all while Paul started working less. A promise of tax money perked us, however due to government loans that had not quite gone into consolidation mode were able to swipe that full amount from us. We still had child support coming in thanks to Mike, but when he went unemployed, we gave that up too. Pretty soon, we found ourselves living on Paul’s part time income. He applied for multiple jobs each week starting in July and onward.
This year was like boot camp for learning to trust God with everything. When I was afraid that I would have no maternity clothes to wear, my Mom would call and tell me to pick out some for my birthday. I was a lonely mom as well, sitting at home wishing someone would pay attention to me. I slowly and reluctantly joined mother’s groups, and before I knew it, I had plenty of mommas to call up and have play dates with. When we were sharing a two-wheel drive car while living in Mi-wuk, “family” gifted us a Subaru. When we missed a power bill, the church stepped in. We learned to live without internet and cell phones. Sometimes our mouths would drop open as we looked into our pantry, so full that we could fit no more. I actually couldn’t remember where all of the food came from! Paul and I both felt the call from God to write a book, and were able to buy a laptop, making payments of $25 a month. We couldn’t even do that, yet the first month we missed a payment we received a letter from the company that we’d purchased it from, “Your debt is forgiven, keep the computer. God always provides.” When I gave a friend a small grocery bag of clothes for her newborn girl, a friend of mine then gave me a Tupperware box full of clothes for Sonora. This whole year has been like this. Every job that Paul wanted to get, the Lord said, “Wait.” Every ministry opportunity that we would have given anything to be part of, the Lord would say, “Wait.” Lots of tears, lots of needless worrying. Paul was days away from joining the military because we weren’t sure how we were even going to keep our house!
I got tired of hearing Paul say, “it’ll be tight this month, but it’ll get better.“ It never seemed to get better. We had to remind ourselves, “we’re rich in the best kinds of things!“ Friends would remind me, “sometimes God only gives us exactly what we need to get by.” That was definitely the way of it. I was called to sacrifice more than ever before. Unfortunately I had been under the impression that I deserved nice things, clothes to wear, heat to keep me warm, a car to drive, a baby room for my first daughter, fresh food to eat. It is very humbling to be cold! (Jake has a heater in his room, so we don’t ask him to be cold). It is also humbling to wake up early and pack a toddler in the car and drive husband to work (I LOVE having a second car, it’s like the best thing EVER). Giving up a baby room was one of the biggest sacrifices and although I knew I couldn’t afford one, I continually used every bit of money that came into my hands from baby showers to buy small knick knacks for the walls and rugs for the floor. Every time I go into that stupid empty room (actually it has a desk in it that doubles as a changing table, a broken changing table that we got for free from a repossessed house, a dresser that I redid and a small co-sleeper that I borrowed from a friend) I see the stuff on the walls and think about how stupid I was to think that I needed a baby room. There are still things that I would like to have, but I will am learning not to place any kind of emphasis on what money can buy.
The day after Thanksgiving, Paul was laid off. He missed an entire week of work. Alva Peters called me and told me that Diestel Turkey was hiring. Paul had seen the ad in the paper but looked over it completely because the qualifications were way beyond his own. However, thanks to Jason and Alva, Diestel decided to at least interview Paul and see what his goals were, and per this he was hired. He was only unemployed for seven days after he had been searching for a job for months. Paul hadn’t started at Diestel quite yet but the money was still rolling in. Gift after gift from friends and family, and people who anonymously sent us cash in the mail. It wasn’t always easy because some of this money was given to us for Christmas alone and we had to put it towards car maintenance, and late bills, among other things. Paul getting a job, and being able to “catch up” was the greatest Christmas gift of all. We have learned so much.
Our goal is to give twice what has been given to us, and in about three months of careful budgeting, we should be able to do it. God has taught us his true currency, that you sow in order to reap, give in order that you receive, even if what you have you need to survive. We’ve learned that everything in the world belongs to God, we don’t need to worry where our next meal comes from, or where we’ll be living in a couple of months.
I can proudly say that as this years ends, I cannot count how many best friends I have made. Several months ago I found myself reminiscing about moving home to North Carolina, now I wonder how I’m ever going to leave this enchanting place called Sonora, much less the people who make it so special. Ok, no plans to leave but I’ve been uprooted somewhere comfortable at the expense of God’s call, I’ve learned not to expect anything, except maybe change. In either case, I love this place. I love our house in Mi-wuk, and I especially love our church. I have been taken under so many wings, I cannot count, nurtured and loved in ways I never knew perfect strangers cared to do. With blessings come some minor setbacks, such as the day that Jake learned “That’s mine!” and Sonora decided she only wants to sleep next to Mommy’s heartbeat. There are worst things, aren’t there? We are so blessed, so much so that I dare not blink too long for fear it will be over. We (I almost said “are learning”) have LEARNED to trust God. He always provides. We have also learned that when we see two roads before us, it’s always best to take the one less traveled, the one that requires the greatest amount of faith. That is my new years resolution, that we will have the courage to take that road less traveled. The thing I desire most this year is nothing that money can buy, but a closer relationship with the Lord, a “meek and gentle” spirit for myself, and happy children and husband. If the road less traveled is another Jesus boot camp, we’ll take it. We have learned way more this year than any other year in our lives and we only desire more of HIM.
This year started difficult. I was lonely, guilt ridden, and more often than not, felt like Lot’s wife, looking back on my old life not even able to see the promise land God had put before me. God had mercy on this stubborn, scared woman that I was. I had the privilege of giving birth again this year to a healthy baby girl. I also got to watch Jacob grow a little more into his star personality. We did not prosper at all on our own. In fact, in this year, our roommate moved out leaving us to pay $300 extra a month to keep our house, all while Paul started working less. A promise of tax money perked us, however due to government loans that had not quite gone into consolidation mode were able to swipe that full amount from us. We still had child support coming in thanks to Mike, but when he went unemployed, we gave that up too. Pretty soon, we found ourselves living on Paul’s part time income. He applied for multiple jobs each week starting in July and onward.
This year was like boot camp for learning to trust God with everything. When I was afraid that I would have no maternity clothes to wear, my Mom would call and tell me to pick out some for my birthday. I was a lonely mom as well, sitting at home wishing someone would pay attention to me. I slowly and reluctantly joined mother’s groups, and before I knew it, I had plenty of mommas to call up and have play dates with. When we were sharing a two-wheel drive car while living in Mi-wuk, “family” gifted us a Subaru. When we missed a power bill, the church stepped in. We learned to live without internet and cell phones. Sometimes our mouths would drop open as we looked into our pantry, so full that we could fit no more. I actually couldn’t remember where all of the food came from! Paul and I both felt the call from God to write a book, and were able to buy a laptop, making payments of $25 a month. We couldn’t even do that, yet the first month we missed a payment we received a letter from the company that we’d purchased it from, “Your debt is forgiven, keep the computer. God always provides.” When I gave a friend a small grocery bag of clothes for her newborn girl, a friend of mine then gave me a Tupperware box full of clothes for Sonora. This whole year has been like this. Every job that Paul wanted to get, the Lord said, “Wait.” Every ministry opportunity that we would have given anything to be part of, the Lord would say, “Wait.” Lots of tears, lots of needless worrying. Paul was days away from joining the military because we weren’t sure how we were even going to keep our house!
I got tired of hearing Paul say, “it’ll be tight this month, but it’ll get better.“ It never seemed to get better. We had to remind ourselves, “we’re rich in the best kinds of things!“ Friends would remind me, “sometimes God only gives us exactly what we need to get by.” That was definitely the way of it. I was called to sacrifice more than ever before. Unfortunately I had been under the impression that I deserved nice things, clothes to wear, heat to keep me warm, a car to drive, a baby room for my first daughter, fresh food to eat. It is very humbling to be cold! (Jake has a heater in his room, so we don’t ask him to be cold). It is also humbling to wake up early and pack a toddler in the car and drive husband to work (I LOVE having a second car, it’s like the best thing EVER). Giving up a baby room was one of the biggest sacrifices and although I knew I couldn’t afford one, I continually used every bit of money that came into my hands from baby showers to buy small knick knacks for the walls and rugs for the floor. Every time I go into that stupid empty room (actually it has a desk in it that doubles as a changing table, a broken changing table that we got for free from a repossessed house, a dresser that I redid and a small co-sleeper that I borrowed from a friend) I see the stuff on the walls and think about how stupid I was to think that I needed a baby room. There are still things that I would like to have, but I will am learning not to place any kind of emphasis on what money can buy.
The day after Thanksgiving, Paul was laid off. He missed an entire week of work. Alva Peters called me and told me that Diestel Turkey was hiring. Paul had seen the ad in the paper but looked over it completely because the qualifications were way beyond his own. However, thanks to Jason and Alva, Diestel decided to at least interview Paul and see what his goals were, and per this he was hired. He was only unemployed for seven days after he had been searching for a job for months. Paul hadn’t started at Diestel quite yet but the money was still rolling in. Gift after gift from friends and family, and people who anonymously sent us cash in the mail. It wasn’t always easy because some of this money was given to us for Christmas alone and we had to put it towards car maintenance, and late bills, among other things. Paul getting a job, and being able to “catch up” was the greatest Christmas gift of all. We have learned so much.
Our goal is to give twice what has been given to us, and in about three months of careful budgeting, we should be able to do it. God has taught us his true currency, that you sow in order to reap, give in order that you receive, even if what you have you need to survive. We’ve learned that everything in the world belongs to God, we don’t need to worry where our next meal comes from, or where we’ll be living in a couple of months.
I can proudly say that as this years ends, I cannot count how many best friends I have made. Several months ago I found myself reminiscing about moving home to North Carolina, now I wonder how I’m ever going to leave this enchanting place called Sonora, much less the people who make it so special. Ok, no plans to leave but I’ve been uprooted somewhere comfortable at the expense of God’s call, I’ve learned not to expect anything, except maybe change. In either case, I love this place. I love our house in Mi-wuk, and I especially love our church. I have been taken under so many wings, I cannot count, nurtured and loved in ways I never knew perfect strangers cared to do. With blessings come some minor setbacks, such as the day that Jake learned “That’s mine!” and Sonora decided she only wants to sleep next to Mommy’s heartbeat. There are worst things, aren’t there? We are so blessed, so much so that I dare not blink too long for fear it will be over. We (I almost said “are learning”) have LEARNED to trust God. He always provides. We have also learned that when we see two roads before us, it’s always best to take the one less traveled, the one that requires the greatest amount of faith. That is my new years resolution, that we will have the courage to take that road less traveled. The thing I desire most this year is nothing that money can buy, but a closer relationship with the Lord, a “meek and gentle” spirit for myself, and happy children and husband. If the road less traveled is another Jesus boot camp, we’ll take it. We have learned way more this year than any other year in our lives and we only desire more of HIM.
Lines, and more lines...
My name is Summer, and I am a line hater. Christmas shopping lines, Wal-mart lines, express lines, traffic lines, and most others. Yet nothing compares to my hate for imaginary lines. That’s right, lines that do not even exist except by human innovation. I ask my husband, the beacon of knowledge and wisdom, questions all of the time. About faith, about life, about children, about books, about what I should make for dinner and all to often the response I hear is prefaced with, “Well, honey, there is a thin line here…” and I realize there are two sides to everything. It is what makes us different, it is what births likes and dislikes, and sets us in either opposition or support of certain issues. It draws us together like no other, yet can cause a war. What side of the thin, ridiculous line are you on?
Well, for me, to determine my stance I like to go to the Bible. God seems to know everything, He usually has an answer. The Bible is very clear, but there is that thin line between what I interpret, and what you do, right? Even if we both agree that the Bible is infallible and perfect, we’ll still disagree what Jesus meant in parable of the good Samaritan, or whatever else is challenged. Thin lines, I hate them. I bought a book the other day called “Conversations with God.” It was at the thrift store for 25 cents, and I bought the book because the man wrote on the back that he believed God had spoken everything to him, and he had answers to many of the fundamental questions concerning life, politics, the world, and every other “thin line” issue. I bought it because I crave the word of God, even if I hear it myself, even if I have it sitting on my book shelf in 50 different translations, I wanted to read this man’s experience. Turns out the whack job “heard from Satan” as Paul put it, only two chapters in the book. “Evil does not exist except in our minds, it is what we make it, but good and evil are the same, “ yada yada yada. He thought it was God though. What do I think God said that is really my own? What about you? Trust me, I can think of plenty of things, for you anyway. That’s the nature of lines.
One of the reasons Paul and I knew we were “meant to be” was because we looked at our fruits. Not in the fridge, friend, but the spiritual sense. It seemed the closer we were to one another, the more we craved to know God. We were not in any hurry to mess up our lives by marrying the wrong person. We wanted to know that God was the author or our love story. Furthermore we both were aware of dirty baggage we had dragged around behind us. We didn’t want that brought into our marriage. We were tossing our forgiveness each way it was due, dealing with darkness we’d happily suppressed for years. The fruits were good, we knew that God was at work for us and around us. I don’t want to say what has been troubling me lately, but I will say that it is “something trendy” and I haven’t jumped on board yet. I tried, I wanted to but could not make it happen in my life. No money, no time, no support from my husband or family, and not nearly enough education. Still, I wanted in because that is the nature of a trend, sort of like how Satan comes as an angel of light. Wouldn’t life be so much easier if all evil seemed evil right away?
So I am no good at math, yet remain fascinated by formulas. I’m not good at them (you will see) but the concept is pretty neat. Here are a couple I have come up with, not mathematically or anything, and I have no doubt I will have those who disagree with me, but here we go:
Idol = majority of thought life (keep all thoughts captive to Christ) + majority of your money after basic bills are paid (where your treasure is, there your heart will be also) > not praying in the Spirit constantly + not giving sacrificially
Truth = 1Word + 1Spirit (The sum of equal Spirit and equal Law is ultimately truth) = stupid imaginary thin line where we don‘t agree = asking what are the fruits? = How one should respond to any given situation.
You and Me = not perfect. Therefore, testing spirits against the Word is supremely important. If unclear, question the fruits. Bad fruits = fear, taking control away from God and in order that you may have it, intimidation, despair, depression, low self image, anything contradictory to who God says you are and who He made you to be.
I just feel so distressed. When I think of “something trendy” and the fact that I am not participating I hear this whisper, “You are such a crappy Mom,” (Do you really care about your family?) “Your children are going to die,” (You will have no influence now). It’s hard, I fight so hard.
“Wait a second, these are not things God would say to me.”
I think this can be applied to anything trendy. I look at the people involved and see all of the money and time involved and thank God that he’s teaching Paul and I to be so careful with our money and our time. Yet, from the outside looking in, we may appear to be the ones worshipping idols. I’m sure we do have an idol or two ( I know I make my children an idol at times). I just want to encourage anyone faced with a trend, desperate to fit in. Remember that first of all, this life is a vapor in the wind. Trends come and go. I’ve always heard that if Satan can’t make you bad, he will make you busy and when I think of trends, that’s what I think of. Get busy being acceptable! Get busy controlling your own life! At the end of the day, a really dirty trend can just help you to get comfy sitting in a throne, being the queen or king of your own life and that is not God’s will, ever.
There is a thin line between being part of the world, yet not of it. I hate that line the most. Beware,
Trying to control your own destiny = fear + inadequacy = worldly TREND. It’s so simple, way too simple. Almost like Satan planned it from the beginning of time.
Well, for me, to determine my stance I like to go to the Bible. God seems to know everything, He usually has an answer. The Bible is very clear, but there is that thin line between what I interpret, and what you do, right? Even if we both agree that the Bible is infallible and perfect, we’ll still disagree what Jesus meant in parable of the good Samaritan, or whatever else is challenged. Thin lines, I hate them. I bought a book the other day called “Conversations with God.” It was at the thrift store for 25 cents, and I bought the book because the man wrote on the back that he believed God had spoken everything to him, and he had answers to many of the fundamental questions concerning life, politics, the world, and every other “thin line” issue. I bought it because I crave the word of God, even if I hear it myself, even if I have it sitting on my book shelf in 50 different translations, I wanted to read this man’s experience. Turns out the whack job “heard from Satan” as Paul put it, only two chapters in the book. “Evil does not exist except in our minds, it is what we make it, but good and evil are the same, “ yada yada yada. He thought it was God though. What do I think God said that is really my own? What about you? Trust me, I can think of plenty of things, for you anyway. That’s the nature of lines.
One of the reasons Paul and I knew we were “meant to be” was because we looked at our fruits. Not in the fridge, friend, but the spiritual sense. It seemed the closer we were to one another, the more we craved to know God. We were not in any hurry to mess up our lives by marrying the wrong person. We wanted to know that God was the author or our love story. Furthermore we both were aware of dirty baggage we had dragged around behind us. We didn’t want that brought into our marriage. We were tossing our forgiveness each way it was due, dealing with darkness we’d happily suppressed for years. The fruits were good, we knew that God was at work for us and around us. I don’t want to say what has been troubling me lately, but I will say that it is “something trendy” and I haven’t jumped on board yet. I tried, I wanted to but could not make it happen in my life. No money, no time, no support from my husband or family, and not nearly enough education. Still, I wanted in because that is the nature of a trend, sort of like how Satan comes as an angel of light. Wouldn’t life be so much easier if all evil seemed evil right away?
So I am no good at math, yet remain fascinated by formulas. I’m not good at them (you will see) but the concept is pretty neat. Here are a couple I have come up with, not mathematically or anything, and I have no doubt I will have those who disagree with me, but here we go:
Idol = majority of thought life (keep all thoughts captive to Christ) + majority of your money after basic bills are paid (where your treasure is, there your heart will be also) > not praying in the Spirit constantly + not giving sacrificially
Truth = 1Word + 1Spirit (The sum of equal Spirit and equal Law is ultimately truth) = stupid imaginary thin line where we don‘t agree = asking what are the fruits? = How one should respond to any given situation.
You and Me = not perfect. Therefore, testing spirits against the Word is supremely important. If unclear, question the fruits. Bad fruits = fear, taking control away from God and in order that you may have it, intimidation, despair, depression, low self image, anything contradictory to who God says you are and who He made you to be.
I just feel so distressed. When I think of “something trendy” and the fact that I am not participating I hear this whisper, “You are such a crappy Mom,” (Do you really care about your family?) “Your children are going to die,” (You will have no influence now). It’s hard, I fight so hard.
“Wait a second, these are not things God would say to me.”
I think this can be applied to anything trendy. I look at the people involved and see all of the money and time involved and thank God that he’s teaching Paul and I to be so careful with our money and our time. Yet, from the outside looking in, we may appear to be the ones worshipping idols. I’m sure we do have an idol or two ( I know I make my children an idol at times). I just want to encourage anyone faced with a trend, desperate to fit in. Remember that first of all, this life is a vapor in the wind. Trends come and go. I’ve always heard that if Satan can’t make you bad, he will make you busy and when I think of trends, that’s what I think of. Get busy being acceptable! Get busy controlling your own life! At the end of the day, a really dirty trend can just help you to get comfy sitting in a throne, being the queen or king of your own life and that is not God’s will, ever.
There is a thin line between being part of the world, yet not of it. I hate that line the most. Beware,
Trying to control your own destiny = fear + inadequacy = worldly TREND. It’s so simple, way too simple. Almost like Satan planned it from the beginning of time.
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