Needing some Grace!

I recently went through a good season! It was one that the Lord defined a lot for me. First of all: lingering places of insecurity. Those are always fun. Not to shame me, but to bring me into a place of deeper healing. I went through some inner healing and definitely found breakthrough. So thanks for that, God!

The next place He brought me was to a place of passion, somewhere I’d never dared to tread. I would certainly consider myself a passionate person but I’d never known anything to be passionate about. Now in college, I quickly hopped upon the environmental movement full steam ahead. Today I crumpled a Starbucks bag up and crammed it into the garbage because I was annoyed that it said the word “recycle” on it more than once (Don’t tell me what to do, grrr!). Ok, I still care for the environment and for animal welfare (don’t get me started on sea turtles and whales!). You get it. But after volunteering at the pregnancy center downtown I would say that I am head over heels in love with the pro-life movement, with empowering women to be who God created them to be, and leading them out of shame and condemnation into absolute freedom in Christ. I love debunking lies from the enemy, and from this world. Because I believed them once and no one bothered to take me aside and tell me the deeper things. What a divine privilege to work in a place like the pregnancy center. There is a fire in my heart for this issue like never before and I will not stop interceding, crying out, and believing for the abolition of it until it has been done.

This leads me to the next discovery: my giftings. The Lord supernaturally lead me into a place where I could understand intercessory prayer. When I would take spiritual gifts tests they would ask, “Have you found yourself praying for hours at a time?” Umm, no? “Then you are not an intercessor!!” But I am a Mom of two young children, my husband, now currently unemployed, is home everyday and the compilation of insanities is more than I can take. Good insanity of course, family insanity. Intercession kind of became an option because when mercy started showing up I didn’t know what to do. Except cry. I actually learned through studying that crying is a form of intercession! Ah, I’m not crazy! I recently read through “The Happy Intercessor,” (a worthy pursuit for me), and realized that because I don’t lay in bed all day beseeching God for His presence, or walk 10 miles a day asking for favor….well, those are worthy goals but I just can’t do it! But I love to pray, the right way. And there is a right way, for just me. I had been trying to kind of “summon” the Lord until one day I was in the middle of one of my quiet times (the actual quiet ones are few and far between!) and with my spiritual eyes, I saw Him, right there next to me. Why am I so “religious?” Anyway, all that to say, I like to pray. One day the Lord told me just to go for it, and I rolled down the windows in my car and yelled as loud as I could. It was crazy. And awesome. And in that moment I realized I had finally discovered and walked in my gifting. Hurray!

So for the last three weeks I have felt kind of high off of the energy. I woke up every morning and opened the Bible, “Lord give me my daily manna!” I read like ten books on spiritual stuff, real meat! When the kids would act up, “Oh, God, I need some grace!” When a friend was in trouble, I cried out to God in powerful intercession! When I needed a word, there it was! Lots of exclamation points in this part of it J . It was a time of exclaiming God’s goodness, and truth, and his LOVE for ME, ME, ME!

But the last couple of days have been a time of coming down. I went from thinking I understood everything about life, and God to realizing once more, I know very little. I went back to playing defense, proclaiming victory but living in defeat. I am tired. I spent sweet time in the Word today, like the first time in five days that I’ve had time to just sit at the feet of Jesus. Someone gave me the cold shoulder, and someone else the silent treatment, and someone else inferred that I was asking too much from them and the guilt of it all, even things I shouldn’t feel guilty about came crashing down like a mighty waterfall and the tears wouldn’t stop. I feel like I must be the most annoying person in the entire world, the most needy, and it’s frustrating to be in that place.

So yes, I feel like I’m back to square one on some things. I miss where I was, but I’m grateful for where I’m at now because I can put some of these things I’ve been learning to good use against devastating odds, like tiredness, and wild children, and bored husbands and a bank account that goes up, and down, and up, and down again, and a million phone calls from all the wrong people. So I do need a parenting strategy. Paul needs a job. And I need Grace for today.