I have a soon to be 2 year old daughter. This means that I am fighting about 10-12 battle of wills every single day. One of our reoccuring battles happens when she sees her black shoes on the floor. She absolutely loves those things, to the point where I've been concerned about her obsession. I put them on in the house, in the crib, in the car, wherever she is she can have them and I really could care less. Wearing the shoes every minute of her life is not the battle. The battle comes when she sees her pink shoes. She brings them to me and crawls up on my lap indicating that she would like to wear pink shoes. The first time it was really cute. Until I realized that she did NOT want me to remove her black shoes. She loves them. She also loves the pink ones. But how do you explain to a determined, shoe love-stricken two year old that she cannot wear two shoes at the same time. Other than trying it right in front of her so she can see that indeed, it cannot be done. But she doesn't care. She wants me to keep trying. No matter how nice I am, and believe me, we sit on the floor together and I carefully explain the dilemma. It always ends in a meltdown. How many times have I pointed to the corner of our small cabin exclaiming, "Look, a cow!" only to toss the pink shoes under the table when Sonora turns around confused. "Mommy, thought she saw something, oops" Crisis averted. Don't judge me. Remember that part where I have explained to her 100 times that pink shoes will not fit over black shoes.
You can't have everything. I say that to my kids in some way or another every day. Because they are kids, and they want what they see. I happen to be a pessimist in this respect, incorporating this little saying into my vocab seems appropriate. I hate that I say it. Still it's a lesson I don't remember learning it. I don't really remember wanting more than I had, but by the grace of God, I got it anyway. He is a good Daddy like that. Now I am beginning to understand this more than ever. Because it's true, I love two places. What seemed like a cruel trick, God moving us to California, ended up being one of those top ten chances you took in life that you will never regret. It's probably in my top two. I asked God to preserve my homeplace in my heart, but He didn't let it happen. It was making me feel pretty lonely to live in a place that I wasn't willing to settle for. But it was impossible to remain hardened. Because of the good people. Because of the small town charm. Because of the mountains that frame the landscape. There is something incredibly spiritual that happens when you drive from Mi-wuk to downtown and you watch the landscape change so drastically. Our habit was to drive over the grade and up over the hill to get a 2 second glimpse of the valley and make comments about the fog. I cannot count the sunsets that have left me breathless. The sunrises that forced me to pray, and to pinch myself because it is not smart to drive down the grade and get so lost in a moment that you close your eyes and wish to go deeper. I've been there a million times. I love Sonora. No, I am in love with Sonora. I love my neighborhood. We love to walk the skyline across from the pool. We stop at the top of the road every time. How can you not? It stirs me in ways that no "quiet time on the couch" can touch.
So sometimes I want to grab Jesus by the shoulders and shake him, How can you do this to me? Do you know how difficult it is to not have everything? I am in Concord now. I am not particularly in love with any "mystical charm" of the landscape, but with the familiarity of it. And I love the trees and the fields! I see green, I see LIFE everywhere I look. The rain fell so hard two days ago that I thought it might crash through the windshield. I closed my eyes and thought, I love southern rain. I just do. It's a different kind of love, but love nonetheless. I will even make the arguement that my family is here. I have really good friends here that I only see once or twice a year. I love being so close to my family and friends the most. I can hardly believe that I am getting on a plane tomorrow and going back to Sonora. But the truth is, God in his graciousness has given me family in Sonora too. I am sure those related to me by blood would argue that I could never really have mothers, fathers, grandparents, sisters, brothers that have only known me for 3 years. But I know the truth. I know it in my heart and am more certain that if I were ever to leave a large portion of my heart would be in those Sierra Nevada mountains for the rest of my life.
This blog is NOT about me leaving Sonora. No plans are in motion. I think that part of God taking me to Sonora was for me to understand in His will I will not live a monday-friday, 9-5 kinda life. I could go anywhere, live wherever and I would be ok. I would be happy. It is so freeing for me to not be tied down. But sometimes I feel very compelled to have a two year old tantrum, why? why did you do this to me? I can't be in two places in once, so how could I possibly love them?
All I know is He is good. And maybe He isn't so interested in letting me have everything my way, but to have my mind transformed. Looking back, I did it. I left everything. I moved away from the place I was born and raised, where my entire family resided. I obeyed, sometimes belligerent with my arms crossed, but I was willing. It was just one of those lessons that I had to learn and now I am teaching my kids that same lesson. It's a hard one to learn, but one I think God wants us all to learn. The truth is, if I really search my heart is that I want God's will in my life. I don't care what it takes. I trust Him. I just wanted to write it, say it out loud a hundred times, I trust Him. Because it is going to be hard as heck to get on the plane tomorrow, considering what I am leaving behind. I love this place. But I will keep my heart focused on where I am going, home. My home for now. I love that place too. I cannot wait to run to the arms of my husband, at the end of the day, he is home to me.
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