Happy Birthday to ME!

      When I was in high school, there was a picture circulating online of a little kitten being forced into a glass bottle. Is that story real? I have no idea, my guess is probably not. I was in church last night and that image came to mind when I was thinking about the last couple of years of my life. Really, the “bottle stuffing” started to happen when I was 20 years old, when I got pregnant with Jake. This last year has by far been the most extensive in my reformation. I think the Bible calls it “refining,” and in either case, it looks impossible on the outside, and yet, God must know what He is doing. The “bonsai kitty” was the image I got when I was thinking about myself, probably not from the Holy Spirit, and it made me laugh. It’s a terrible analogy, because while I have felt that my whole body, soul, and spirit has been forced through a sieve, it’s a process that does not box in as much as set free. It’s a liberating experience, though painful.

     This isn’t just about my in-laws dying, though God will use it to shape my life, I refuse to believe that the death itself was to be part of my transformation. If anything, I have had to fight through that emotion to enjoy my day. I want to be excited today, full of joy, and energy, something that looks terribly daunting next to the enduring sadness my heart feels on a day to day basis. While there is joy, feeling “glad” seems beyond my capability right now. It is impossible to spend my birthday not reminiscing about the wonderful birthdays I had while my in-laws were alive. I have already spent the last three birthdays without my parents and extended family being present. Now I sit here today without them nearby, and not even the option to phone one of my greatest encouragers, Doni. Paul and I were talking yesterday because I just couldn’t pull myself out of a slump. Paul told me, “you need to choose to enjoy your birthday.” It’s so hard sometimes, all I can think about is how much I enjoyed my birthdays with Paul’s family, and all of the cheesy birthday cards Doni gave me that I have since thrown out because I didn’t know that I would only be given four in my lifetime (sorry, I don‘t save cards!). I also took back several of the birthday presents that she gave me because they weren’t something I would have chosen for myself. Back then I said, “she would have wanted me to get something I liked.” Now I think, “I wish I had all of the things that she liked!” Paul, who is actually really good at doing impressions of others, did a pitiful one of his mother yesterday, as he shook my shoulders and exclaimed in a high-pitched voice, “Hoooney, I want you to enjoy your day to its fullest!” Oh, the things we do to make it through. Well, I am trying!

Last year, 25 felt young to me. Paul tried to tease me about being old, a fruitless endeavor for the man that is 4 years older than I! This year is my 26th year of life, and I feel it, I feel the aging taking place. Not just physically, but emotionally. I have a love/hate relationship with all of this change. I hate it because it hurts.  I love it, because when something new has taken place, I can feel it. I can feel when my kids mess up, and I don’t completely lose it. I can feel when I have ten things to do, and I know what takes precedence. I have heard it said that this job as parent does not get easier ever, you just get better at it. I feel like in general that is the Christian life, and I can look back over the last year and see all the ways that life just flowed better.

  More than most people, I think I am keenly aware of how much farther I must tread into this process known as “freedom.” I tend to be a glass-half-empty-kind-of-gal, but I am trying to look back at the last 6 years and just see the fruit, and there is so much, more than I can even say. Kris Valloton says that if you are 30 and have rarely encountered opposition, then you should have serious questions about your life. I guess I should be grateful.

As I was praying last night, and thanking the Lord for the last day I would ever have as a 25 year old, He was telling me that this will be a year of “self-discovery." This will be a year where I will really get a grasp of who God made me to be, because surprisingly, at 26 years of age, I am still not quite sure. I do not feel like anything about myself has “stood out” as something I can confidently walk in. But I did make a decision last night, I told Jesus that if the only thing I am ever good at in this life is loving Him, then that is good enough for me. Even if I botch intercessory prayer and prophecy, or can’t ever heal anybody that I pray for, and don’t sound pleasant when I worship [in this realm anyway], that is ok with me. The only thing I really want to do well in my life is love my King Jesus. I came to Bethel so I could learn how to walk in my gifts, and walk in the Spirit, and now I see that none of this is possible without simply walking at His side, loving Him, and learning to let Him love me. And I will never know who I am, who I really am, outside of this place of intimacy.

Happy Birthday, to me!