Once an older mother told me that the secret to being a happy housewife is to learn to be happy in the home. Ugh. I have so tried this. I still would much rather be at the library, the park, the sundial bridge, or wherever else is not at home. I won’t attempt to explain this, although I have some ideas, but it is what it is. Being at the park also lets me people watch, or judge, I guess. But I don’t usually know these people that I’m watching on so I’m not condemning them or anything, just thinking to myself, Glad my kids don’t do that..
I batter myself as a mother often, but the truth is, I have really good kids. Arriving to the park, I saw countless children run into a street. I was really shocked over this. When I arrived at the park, I looked at my kids and said, “No going in the street,” and that was that. There are many issues that I struggle with in parenting. Too many to list, actually. There are "things" however, that I nail down early. Right away, no exceptions. One of those things is running in the road. If I see my child run out in the road, they better say they’re prayers. Another thing that I talk to them about almost every day is how to behave around creepy people. I know it’s sad that we have to go there. But in this world, you do. So if we go to the park, or play in the front yard, we have the talk. In fact, several weeks ago at the park a family with multiple children walked by, and Jake SCREAMED as loud as he could. He was like inches from me and I jumped, “What?! What happened?” Jake said, “I didn’t know them.” Well, maybe I’ve taken it too far! We also are pretty serious about how the kids treat people. My pet peeve is when a sweet old lady says hello to Sonora, and she buries her head in my leg. She’s young, and now I’m training her to look into people’s eyes and smile. She won’t get in trouble for being bashful. But we are all learning to stand straight, smile, and look at people in the eyes. Treating people like they are important follows us into the home. I respect that sometimes my kids need time to themselves to develop their own interests. For the most part though, I brainwash them, “Jake, Sonora is your best friend.“ And vice versa. It’s a nailed down item. Around here, we enjoy one another.
I had a conversation with a friend recently about what kinds of things we nail down. Afterwards, I was driving and it kind of struck me that I need this sort of thing in my own life. I really appreciate this about myself as a mom, that I give my kids these certain parameters they know not to cross. I felt like the Lord was asking me what kinds of things I’ve nailed down in my own life. Like, the “no matters whats” and I realized I didn’t have many. And when they did exist, they were pretty religious and not rooted very deeply in my heart. For example, “I will love God no matter what.” But I felt Him pressing me, “Why is this important?”
Then came the “uhhh…hmmm, huh.” You know.
I wasn’t really sure what I had nailed down. “Because I want to please you?” I answered. I had the verse, “Well done, good and faithful servant,” floating in my head and I told God that is what I wanted. That’s why I serve him, so I can hear that.
Really? Apparently that is the best I’ve got.
Then I heard the Holy Spirit, “What if I will already say that? Then, what?”
I was flattered, of course, but it did feel like a rug was taken out from under me. That was like my big answer. I was proud of that one! I did try again. “Because you forgave me. I don’t carry shame anymore. You sent your son to die for me. I have grace. I am redeemed.” More rehearsed Sunday school stuff. Lots of stammering. This kind of rolls back into the parenting thing, because on a day to day basis I really struggle with embracing my God-given identity. I am not happy with myself, or the job I’m doing as a woman or a mother. The Lord knows everything, so it can be really difficult to offer Him rehearsed word vomit. I wasn’t really surprised that He was “surprised” that I loved Him and served Him based on something that I consistently refused to receive or walk in.
“You love me because I made you new? Hmm. You don’t live like you’re new.”
You see, He knows everything. So here I am, with all the right things in my life nailed down, except the biggest thing of all: why I choose to serve God. I’m living in the hugest revival culture in America and sitting in my backyard, I couldn’t remember why I chose to believe.
I know that He knows that my love for Him is real. Authentic. All-consuming. But, why?
I still didn’t get it nailed down, honestly. The question left me with my mouth hanging open. I had a quick vision of Father God just shaking my shoulders as I sat dumbfounded, only He was laughing and saying, “Summer, rest. I love you.” I tend to obsess over anything that may evade me.
Having things nailed down is such a wonderfully safe place to be. My kids know when they get out of the car, they wait next to it. I know if I take a few minutes to get the baby, my kids won’t barrel out in the street. The Lord is stirring this in me because He is calling me into a place of trust and safety in him. A place where I need to know what I think, and why I think it. The answer can’t be “because He saved me,” or whatever. In fact, one thing that He has continuously shown me is this picture of me finger painting a canvas that is a black and white tree. My fingertips have color, and I get to design it. It’s like, only I can bring a unique glory that is His and mine. Only me. This is a personal thing now. When I am nailing this “thing” down, I want you to know that the reason it is taking me so long to figure out is because the answer is nestled so deep in my heart, and in His that I’m having to dig a bit. And also because the farther I go into that place, there really isn’t language. That’s ok. I’m happy to not have a language for it, or even a feeling, though the closest I can up with are trust, love, deep, real, satisfying, complete, eternity, well, joy, fun-- pitiful as they are in comparison.
That’s been my journey as of late. I also really struggled with whether or not should “soak” with the Lord for a bit or blog. I read a biography of Karen Kingsbury lately where she said writing was her time with God. So, here is a glimpse into my quiet time for today.
Maybe I should do an activation activity here? Take some time asking yourself what is nailed down in your life.
Some of my others are learning to love people (and doing it), serving my husband and children with a willing and grateful heart, and I hate ants in my kitchen. So, there ya go.
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