Letting Jesus be Enough

Yesterday morning I was making breakfast, feeling hopeless, and the thought popped into my head, “What happens to people like us?”

“Us” is my family but also a generous handful of others. We left everything to move to Redding, to learn and grow under Bethel's umbrella. Hungry people desperate for just a crumb of hope throw themselves at the altar and are fed. Why here? I don’t know. People travel from all over the world to get healed here. I’ve seen people healed and wept with them as they realized the pain is gone.

The truth is, I don’t want to live a normal life. I don’t want my husband to work 40 hours at a job he hates. I don’t want to look normal on the outside if I’m not happy on the inside. I want to be here.
But what happens to us, all of us?
A lot of us are broke. We can barely afford food to feed our families. We are selling our possessions on eBay, Craigslist, habitual yard sales so we can survive. We dream of thriving. All the while we declare His provision over our home, “He WILL provide for us.” For my family, anyway, we ALWAYS have our needs met. But need gets put into perspective.

Do we need two vehicles? Do we need one vehicle?
Do we need meat at every meal?
Do we need a three bedroom house for a family of 5?
Do we need our privacy?

Despite all the sacrifices my family has made for this season, I cannot complain. Because I love it here. We chose to move here. We chose, though we are way below the poverty line, to not have food stamps or financial aid from the government because we also choose to keep having babies. So we wait on the Lord, trying to just do what He is doing.  So often, I have been in a place of waiting on the Lord to provide. I've seen His provision time and time again, but because I've been there I get weighed down by all the help needed by people in the church. People are straight up struggling.

        By the way, I am not talking about people who choose not to work ever. I'm talking about people who are solidly on the path God has chosen for them and it's an uphill climb. Sometimes they're not working. Sometimes they can't work. Most of the time they are looking for work.

So what happens to us? Do we ever get ahead? Do we ever find ourselves leading a successful ministry that actually creates income so we’re not eating brown rice for the fourth night in a row? I guess in my situation, we're smack dab in the middle of a sowing season. We are investing in our future. This isn't an end all, be all. But I have to ask, do we ever have a house that belongs to us? Furniture that doesn’t fall apart at the seams? Or generate an atomic bomb of dust just by patting it down? I’ve heard Kris Valloton say that in order to plow or labor through a season, we really need to have a vision. Oh boy, how I have conjured up visions for my family. To survive this season mentally I have just told myself that it will not always be like this. One day, oh, one day…houses, mini-vans, a play room, an office....it's all there in my head.

Last night I was reading the kids the Christmas story and I was really struck by something I’ve never thought of before. When the angel met Mary, he told her that she was a “highly favored woman of God.” I love that. I hope God thinks of me that way. As the children’s rendition of the story continued, it highlighted Mary and Joseph searching for “housing” before the baby came into the world. She was a highly favored woman of God, carrying the Messiah, and there was not a special grace for her to deliver Jesus into a suitable inn. There was grace to do it in a cave/stable (depending on what your research turns up). As far as I know, there were no creative miracles of food appearing or the straw already being plumped up into a comfy bed. No, they scrounged. They made a way where it looked like there was no way. Not to mention, this is old covenant, so it’s not like they could check in with the Holy Spirit if they were in the right place at the right time. They just trusted God. As the years went we have a small window into their lives with Jesus. For one, they lost him and were absolutely terrified. Then he preached in Nazareth, and his own brothers didn’t believe he was the Messiah while the others in the community shamed him for being “just Joseph’s son.” Then she watched her son brutally murdered on a cross. I was reading this Christmas story thinking, highly favored woman of God????
What????

It really got me thinking about what it means to serve God. To fight through seasons of absolute drudgery, imagining an end in mind. I thought about all of my dreams that I have for me and my family, and it’s not that I think they won’t happen. I believe in His promises, that as we delight ourselves in Him, we will have the desires of our heart. That we will be given, in this lifetime [along with trials] 100 times more than we have had to give up. I’ve read all that.

My point is, is the simple pleasure of having relationship with Jesus enough? Like Mary. Like John the Baptist [whose parents saw that he had a very special call from God on his life]. Like many others who chose Jesus, and that's all they got. What if the vision that I am pressing towards is JUST JESUS. Is that enough for me to keep pressing on?

I began expressing some of my thoughts to Paul, and he pointed out that Mary was highly favored because God knew He could trust her to trust Him. He knew she would persevere. He knew she would love Jesus with an abandoned heart. That was enough for her. And she was warned up front by Simeon, "This child is destined to cause many in Israel to fall, but he will be a joy to many others. He has been sent as a sign from God, but many will oppose him. As a result, the deepest thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your very soul." Oh Mary, courageous Mary.

     It helped me decide that I just need Jesus. Whatever happens to us, I don't know! I really think we can struggle, and still be highly favored. In fact, maybe God chose this to be our route because He knew we could do it. Just because we’re not skipping down a well-marked, yellow brick road with a giant arrow reinforcing “THIS WAY!”. Instead, we’re just taking one day at a time, keeping our eyes on Him and asking “now what?” There’s glory in that, even if we're scared. Even if we choose the more difficult route by faith alone. There is always glory in trusting God. I've been thinking that maybe stewarding favor is just kicking the butt out of anything that threatens to take our eyes off God, no matter what.

    I know I've already said it, but allow me to reiterate that I know God wants to bless my family. I'm still dreaming of my "stuff," but that can't be what fuels me. Jesus fuels me, beautiful Jesus. Every struggle we overcome with Him brings Him glory and proclaims the truth that He really is enough.