Keeping a Journal

   

     Yesterday I bought a new journal, and surprisingly, it was an emotional experience. This is a journal- I began thinking how invaluable the opportunity to write is.
My journal journey began when I was in middle school. I was found guilty of something around the house, and my mom decided I was ungrateful. I’m not sure if this was a trend in my life, or something my mom was especially sensitive to but I feel like this topic came up a lot- I was ungrateful. My punishment was to write down something I was grateful for every day for a week, and I started this project in a journal that someone had given me as a gift. It had Tweety Bird on it. Every day I would open the pages and record my gratitude. It continued beyond a week, then a month, and finally for a year I recorded nearly every day what I was grateful for in my life. One day- I don’t even remember what happened, but I snapped. My little girl’s heart was broken and I thought I would explode. I grabbed my journal from underneath my pillow and scribbled as fast as I could. For years I worked on this journal, and just as I neared the last page, on my 15th birthday a gift came from my step-dad’s mother- a new journal. I wrote it in almost every week, scribbling at the bottom of every emotional scribble, "I am grateful for..."- yes, that habit continued! I took it to camps, sleepovers, to church, and sometimes even to school. I recorded my thoughts and feelings, mostly about boys and being angry at my parents for not allowing my curfew to be midnight when I got my license.

On 8/11/2005, “I hate college. I am so alone. I know no one. I wish I could go home....”

On 9/27/2006, "I am so homesick...."

On 12/1/2006, "I am unhappy and alone....I miss home, pets and family....I hate exam week..."

On 5/8/2007, "I have set a record in length of time gone without writing, probably because of blogging....I got a dog for Christmas, and he is my pride and joy-I can't believe I haven't written about him yet....His name is Braxton and I would be no where without him!" [I just had to include that, it cracks me up I wrote that about my dog! Apparently he changed the course of college for me!]

On 7/28/2008, after a nine month break in writing I broke a trend, “Dear Journal, I was too embarrassed to tell you that I got pregnant and had a baby….but I did. I came back, not because I was ready to document pregnancy, but marriage. I have found the man I’m going to marry. The thing is, I’ve never met him…,” 

This journal spans almost 7 years. When Paul and I first got married, Valentines Day eve was upon us and I cried in bed. Paul snapped, “What is the big deal?” I wiped my eyes and sniffled, “I’m so afraid you won’t get me a gift for Valentine’s Day.” Paul was frustrated, “you’ll find out tomorrow, ok?” I cried some more, tired of coming last in relationships. I didn’t trust him, thanks to those who had gone before him. “Paul, I’m just afraid you don’t really love me.” He went into our top drawer and pulled out a red velvet journal and tossed it onto my lap, “Here! Happy Valentine’s Day!” in a annoyed, accusatory tone. He had no reason to be distrusted, and I still couldn’t believe what sat in my lap. A gift, and not only that, a gift that was deeply personal and meant something to me. I finished up my second journal- which had about 6 pages left in it, and just as soon as we arrived in California, I started up the journal Paul had given me as a gift. Here are excerpts, personal, but threads in the tapestry of  my soul-identity-life. I treasure every word.

8/15/09, “Fear is trying to take over my life, but I can’t let it…why am I so afraid?...I love Jesus.”

4/3/10, “Paul and I are having a little girl in May! I am so excited, I can’t wait to meet her! We are naming her Sonora-Grace...” 

5/30/2011, “Today I want to scream, ‘I don’t want to be married anymore!’ But what then? What about our kids? Where would I live? How would I get money to live? I know God hates divorce, so I will stay….but I’m just tired. It seems like all Paul and I do is spat….he hates his job, he is so unhappy..”

7/23/2011, “There is so much tension in the house. Paul and I are fighting like crazy, I wish I wasn’t here. I wish I was alone….I wonder what God is teaching me?” 

9/9/2011, “Paul and I finally had a breakthrough!! He lost his job, but it was more of a blessing than a loss....He needed a break, and I needed a break. He was so unhappy for so long….Paul and I are so much better now. I love being married…I see now that we just needed a break.” 

1/23/2012, “Paul and I have up and down days, mostly because the enemy is divisive. We tell each other, ‘If we are under attack, we need to stick together!’ but it’s the subtle things that get us down…We have been praying for another baby. I can’t wait! It is in God’s hands- the best place for everything and anything.” 

4/11/2012, “Paul and I have been arguing a lot lately- about food, about his car, and about how to discipline kids. I can feel the distance between us. I don’t know what to do?? It has just been hard. …Oh goodness, I just looked over at the last post, I am pregnant now! I am so happy, I love this baby! God is so faithful to me!”

5/22/2012, “Our life is so in the balance now, but Paul applied for BSSM in Redding and we may move soon. I love new things, and adventure- but didn’t we just say how much we liked our house? Paul likes his job. I love the pregnancy center. Are we crazy?….This just feels right. Where are we going to live? Will we make enough money to survive? AHH! I know if God calls us, He will provide…..Paul and I are doing good- I love him so much.” 

9/12/12, “I am not sure if I have heard the Lord speak to me in days nor have I tried. I keep thinking that Paul goes to school to be filled while I am daily poured out to children, pregnancy, and bedrest. I feel empty- glad to be here still….tomorrow Paul will come to a doctor’s appointment with me, and I am actually excited to have him to myself. He is gone so much, and when he is home, I have to share him with the kids. I am actually jealous of my kids, how bad is that? I feel pathetic.”

3/18/2013, “Paul’s parents were killed in a car accident. We are heartbroken and dealing with grief. I feel overwhelmed by life, to say the least. I am doing a crappy  job- not meal planning, or cleaning up. I am really tired. I am angry at myself. I am failing….Honestly, Paul and I are doing the best ever….Sozo has been wonderful, I have found so much freedom…”

11/24/2013, “There is a horse running free- its me. There are no fences around me. I am loved, known, and seen. God laughs…He tells me I am a warrior poet, like Paul. His love is extravagant…and I am safe.” 

1/6/2014, “I am overwhelmed- kids, chaos, activity, so little quiet time. My heart is in turmoil, I am searching for rest. I love Redding, my children, and God….The house is a disaster, the cupboards barely full and will last only a couple days. We have $50 in the bank account….my marriage is great, probably the best ever. I am certain Paul loves me- and I love him."

1/21/2014, “From Jesus: Summer, my beloved…”

1/27/2014, [as I wept, wondering if I would willingly die as a martyr for God- I was reading Jesus Freaks-don't judge me.]“From Father: Summer- REST, RECEIVE. You would not die for the false religion you walk in and submit, but if you knew Me as I was you would sacrifice-  I know you. I love you. Spend less time agonizing over the pursuit of trust and more time understanding my character and truth- I am eager to show you!...You are greatly loved, valued, cherished…you are precious.”

1/28/2014, On the last page of my journal, I jotted down "The Edge"

Yesterday, for the first time in my life, I picked out my own journal. It was agonizing. Seriously! Were the lines big enough for me to write? Were the pages thick enough not to bleed? Was it crafted for an adult? Was the design too childish? Finally, I settled on something with golden pages. My life is golden and glorious, and deserves to be recorded for my children- an ongoing tension of fear overcome by breakthrough, poverty met with a faithful supply of all of our needs, a marriage that would not give up, and a journey of knowing my beautiful Father in Heaven.

2/14/2014, “I am 26 years old, a mother to 3 wonderful-beautiful children. I am married, sometimes happily and other times willingly. Paul and I are in love...I love Redding, love living here….I love how I am growing, changing, learning to be loved by God...I am on a glorious journey of teaching myself I am enough. God loves me...."