Surrendered Expectation, and the Glorious Fruit

     When we were at Bethel, the adventure sustained the instability I often felt. I knew that the season of close quarters with housemates, one usable- yet unregistered vehicle, and the chronic miracle of rent appearing the day before it was due was not a life I wanted to live forever, and it wouldn't be. As Paul approached graduation, we joyfully proclaimed our future into place, as we were always encouraged to do. "Graduation is a launching pad to a career in ministry!" Honestly, in my mind, I absolutely believed it would be. My faith was high for this. I knew what we had sacrificed, and the payoff would be stability. I would take lots of deep breaths and tell myself that God was my stability, and as long as I had my constant, I could survive any season. It was true- I survived. Here I am! But several months ago, we signed a year lease on a house rental that I love, and it felt pretty darn good. Oh, and I have my own bedroom, and it's the largest bedroom in the house, which I highly, highly recommend. Although I have landed smack dab in the middle of stability, something stunning met me here: boredom. No more school, no more church 3 nights a week, no more classes or conferences to attend, no more prophetic parties lasting until 1 am, no more coming home completely wrecked by the Holy Spirit- just.life. 

My husband didn't land his dream job, and just barely did he land a job. Immediately I started a new "declarations" chart. All we needed was a little vision for our lives. Vision. What are we doing? Having a plan seemed like the ideal antidote for my little boredom problem. After reveling in his disappointment for awhile, Paul came to terms with, "I didn't get my way," which sounds selfish, but he also wrestled with this, "None of my declarations, prayers, or prophetic words came to fruition." I wrestled with these very same issues on his behalf. He wasn't ready to make a plan, and that made me really, really uncomfortable.

Several days ago, I was rehearsing some prophetic words I had received at Bethel. One in particular is my favorite because it was given to me by an incredible evangelist who half the time can't speak English for speaking in tongues. It was also given to me in front of an audience, and I received a standing ovation on its behalf. That's the funny thing about the prophetic, it picks up a truth in your life even if it is yet to be fulfilled. Trust me on this one. My friend and mentor declared that I was a Proverbs 31 woman and read the entire scripture over me.  Once he finished, a group of leaders blessed me as a favored woman of God- an anointed wife to my husband, and mother to my children. Someone even gave me a word of knowledge that I was going to be pregnant soon, and next month, two lines appeared on a plastic stick (We had been trying to get pregnant for 5 months prior to this). It was a good day. This is the part I remember most clearly: I was leaving class, and a large hand gripped my shoulder. I turned to see a young, but handsome man had stalled me. He humbled himself and asked, "Mam, I hope it's ok I stopped you. I am a BSSM student, and I came here to find a wife. I pray every night God will bring me a wife! Would you lay hands on me and pray that God will bring me a wife like you." Now, there is a lot of freedom at Bethel so I wasn't weirded out by this guy's request, but I was a little stunned. Me? The truth is, I laughed. He continued, "When you got that word, I thought, that's the girl I'm looking for!"  I didn't give him a prophetic word- which are always wonderful to receive, but simply told him the truth.     

      "When my husband married me, I already had a baby. I was a single mom, and I had very recently surrendered my life fully to God. I knew like 4 books of the Bible, and they were the gospels, but I didn't know the difference between the New and Old Testament. I had a bad reputation. When I met my husband, all I knew is that I loved God and I was done with my old life. So my best advice to you is to stop looking for the Proverbs 31 woman, and start looking for someone who is wholly surrendered to God. She might not go to BSSM. She might have a kid. She might smoke. I don't know, but ask Jesus to give you His eyes for this girl, and see if you find someone." 

That was my best advice. Stop expecting something to happen the way you think it will. Stop expecting God to fulfill your plan, by your own efforts. Dontcha know that God is higher than all this earthly mess we find ourselves in? That's what I ministered to this kid, and yesterday, began to minister to myself. 

Why am I so surprised that my life isn't a mirrored fulfillment of my declarations? Of my prophetic words? Of my extremely specific prayers? Only God can match a future pastor to a single mom. Only God would place Daniel in a position to serve a godless king. Only God would choose David to be the next king, when Jesse didn't even bring him along when Samuel asked to meet his sons (Historically, it is thought that David might not have been a true son, and was produced out of wedlock). Yes, even Samuel was tempted to pick a handsome son to be king, but God told him to look at the heart alone. God chose to build His church upon Peter the rock, also, once a coward. And a traitor. I know we've all read the familiar meme explaining the many flaws of Biblical heroes, but my point is, God does some pretty backwards things (by our perspective, of course) to achieve His goals. Sometimes it looks like abandonment, Jesus once confessed this, "Abba, why have you forsaken me?" I have been reminding myself of these things, instead of sighing until my rib cage breaks, 

"Ok God, you're doing something else in my life right now. It's not what I imagined, or thought would happen, but it's part of your plan for me and I'm going to apply your grace and goodness to the disappointment I feel, and move on." 

      Surrender brings freedom, another completely backwards kingdom philosophy. 

       After that young man asked me to pray for him to find a wife, that night my husband was stopped by a young girl in his small group who- not kidding- through tears, asked him to pray for her to find a husband like him. I've always thought we should have hooked those two young love-seekers up, but never got around to it. You know what else? If God wouldn't have clearly told me to marry my husband, I probably wouldn't have done it. I felt agonizing fear over our relationship being primarily long distance. I loved him, but knew I couldn't rely on my feelings alone. Paul (my husband) used to tell me, "Summer, what are the fruits of this relationship? That is how you'll know if we're in God's will!" He told me this all the time. Spiritual fruit doesn't look like making good money, having all your prayers answered, or being the healthiest person alive- that's what the world says is a "fruitful" person. The best sort of spiritual fruit is born of the ability to abide in the Father (whoever remains in Me, and I in him will produce fruit), often times a surrendered life. In that season then, in this season now, I feel totally reliant on what God is doing. The more I let go of my expectations, the more I can lean on Him to follow through with His mission in me.

      And if you're curious, I really think God is teaching me how to thrive in stability. No flare. No adventure. No miracles or manifestations....just being faithful. The funny thing is, that's what I have hungered for all along.