Thoughts on Connection and Parenting

Sometimes I am tempted to tell people with young children to “hang on” because it gets easier. You're still on the clock 24-7, but more of an on-call, as needed basis. It is less demanding, for sure. As the children get older though, my role changes. For so long, I was eager for the role to change and as a result taught them to dress themselves, drop their dirty clothes in a designated pile, brush their own teeth, and finally, wipe their own poos (can I get an Amen?). When people tell me the little years fly by, I'm inclined to glare. It took five years, FIVE brutal years that I plowed through, strengthened only by the anticipated milestones, cute toddler lisps, and the way they simultaneously eat and wear chocolate ice cream (SO-CUTE). Here I am now, though, with two school aged children! I made it! I love the conversations, the connection, and the shared interests we are developing. I love their budding personalities. I love their innocence and perception of the world around them. They teach me so much about the world.

They also teach me about me. There are times when an outraged, spoiled, wild school-aged child is like a big mirror. Or, a brokenhearted 5 year old dashing to her room after a simple correction is a reflection of me. These are the times when I think, "Can I just wipe your butt, again?" 

Last week, Sonora was having a meltdown. I asked her if we could talk, and she said, “I just want to be alone!” She ran away from me, so I let her have time to herself. After a couple of minutes of prayer and discernment I knew that there was a deeper heart issue thing going on. I approached my sobbing 5 year old and calmly explained that she was not in trouble, and I was not angry at her. Yes, I had fussed at her for a minor infraction, but she wasn't in trouble.

I said, “Sonora, I know you're feeling guilt and shame right now. But, you don't have to. I forgive you.”

She wouldn't look at me.

I told her, “I know you have something that hurts inside of your heart. Let's close our eyes and ask Jesus to show us that painful place and then how we can fix it.” I prayed for her out loud, and peeked to make sure her eyes were closed.

When I was finished with the prayer, I asked her, “Did Jesus show you what hurts?”

She said, “Yes, He did. And, it's you.”

This is the difficult part about this stage. The mirror. This is not the first, or second, or third time this has happened, that I have been the “splinter” in their heart. This happens. I am human. I have problems. My problems spill out onto my children, and then they have problems. This stage is hard. It's not about changing diapers and wiping bottoms. It's about connection. As a 28 year old, I am just learning to have solid, healthy relationships. Learning to be a good friend has been part of the process God has me in. I am in process of learning to be fair, kind, and loving with people. All the while, teaching two little people how to be fair, kind, and loving. I am teaching something that I am just now getting a grasp on. Part of having strong connections is vulnerability. Part of having good connections is learning to receive criticism. Both of those things hurt.

But, I press on.

“How did I hurt you?”

“You hurt my feelings when you said that I hurt the baby. I didn't meant to.”

She was spinning Trinity in the office chair and spun her out onto the ground! I was watching-- my phone was PUT AWAY! It all looked safe, until she sped up and out went the baby. I grabbed screaming Trin and held her close, then glared at Sonora, “I told you to be careful. Look! The baby is hurt!”

That was it. A mean face. A quick, calm scold. A little manipulation.

“Sonora,” I said later, as we talked. “I know it wasn't your fault, but I was upset because the baby got hurt.”

Sonora sobbed. “It's just, the baby is not your only kid.”

It's like Indian Sunburn sometimes. It hurts. I wonder how on earth God is going to make something good out of my mess.

I told her she was 100% right. I made the decision to let the kids spin Trinity on the office chair. I was watching. I was wrong. The 5 year old was right. I asked her to forgive me.

She said, “I do forgive you, but I still want to be alone.”

I gave her some more time, and after awhile, I grabbed a handful of chocolate chips and held them out to her like a bone to a puppy. “I'm sorry. I was not a kind mommy to you.”

Sometimes I am just not a kind person, especially when I am afraid.

She took the chocolates and curled up in my lap. I sat with her while she played a game on her tablet, until she said her love tank was full and dismissed me. Soon after I walked away, she followed me. I was typing away on the couch and she curled up until half her body was on my left thigh, and her elbow knocking into my rib cage. It was beautiful. I had her heart back. All it took was ripping my heart out, but it was worth it.

I used to have lots of theories about parenting. I have read about a trillion books, and if you asked me, I do have a couple that I prefer and recommend. It has really come down to one “theory” for Paul and I, and that is to parent from connection with our children. It's not easy to record the fact that I mess up a lot. Or, that I am the splinter in my daughter's heart sometimes. I am committed to our connection, no matter how uncomfortable for me or them. It is not a shortcut. It is not a sprint. It takes so much humility, you wonder sometimes why there isn't an application to become a parent. Should I really be in charge of raising little humans?

Probably not.

But, I am. In the meantime, I am committed to this connection thing. I am sort of in the baby stages of what it can look like to stay connected. Kind of like I'm in baby stages of learning how to have quality connections with others, and even though it can be a vulnerable experience, I know it works and it's worth it. Here are some quick things I have picked up in the baby stages:

 If you build a strong connection with your children, you can trust them to be honest with you.

Yeah, they don't mind at all telling you that you are mean, or cruel, or unfair. Use discernment here. What child hasn't screamed, “I hate you!” in a moment of blind rage? I'm not talking about those moments. I'm talking about eye contact. Holding hands. And, an honest review of your performance as a parent. You need to be a safe place for you kids to tell you about you. Don't worry. You have every right to tell them when they're messing up. It's connection. It's trust. The pendulum swings both ways. I love asking my children, "What can I do to help you feel closer to me?" or "Has mommy done anything in the last couple of days that hurt your heart? How can I help?" My children are very forgiving and usually just require a game of tag or kickball to gather their hearts back again.

Don't forget how God feels about you.

Sometimes I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. I know I've messed up. I have to remind myself that God is doing something really big in my life. He's using my kids to turn me inside out. Weed my garden. Prune my tree. This kind of pain produces growth. It's good pain. Yes, there is good pain. Anyone who has birthed a baby knows this!

Be okay with the fact that sometimes, you are the problem. Let their prayers be part of the solution.

Deal with your mess. I'm allowed to say this as someone who is actively dealing with my mess. This looks like an explosion of anger, and a confession. This looks like a manipulative glare, and asking God what made you so afraid that you couldn't think straight?  When these things come up, admit your mess. Sometimes I will admit to my kids, “Mommy has an anger problem sometimes,” and then I will proceed to ask forgiveness from them, and from God. I will invite them to pray with me, “Jesus, please help me be calm when I am dealing with my children. Help me love well.” I want them to know that when I scream, or glare, or manipulate, it's really not about them. It's me. And, I'm working on it. Sometimes things don't change as quickly as I like, but I know that I am changing. I lose my temper a LOT less. I manipulate less. I glare less. I engage more. I am changing, so I know that submitting to God and process works. It just involves humility, painful humility but with eternally valuable 'healthy human fruit'.

Enjoy the fruit.

Trust me, it's everywhere. Connection parenting has tremendous fruit. It's honest confessions from the children. It's that breathless sprint from their room when Daddy is pulling out of the driveway and they need to say 'goodbye' one more time. It's those moments when your son is trying to apologize and he grabs your face in between his palms, “I won't say I'm sorry until I can see your eyes.” It's those moments on the playground when they recognize injustice, manipulation, cruelty, anger, and they come get you. They know it's wrong. Sometimes they do crazy, bold things like tell strangers on the playscape, “You can't treat people like that."

There are moments when they drop onto the couch beside you and ask, “Will you pray for me to have self-control?"

Then, there are moments when something hurts so badly, they grab onto you for comfort. You are both humans, clinging to one another, reaching out for God, and it always feels like Heaven shows up when you're fully alive, and fully seen. As bad as it hurts to be seen and known in my weakness, when they invite me into theirs, I never want to leave. It is my highest honor as a parent to be allowed to see them and hold them in a vulnerable moment.

Lead them to the Perfect Parent

In the end, even if you are weighed down by loads of 'healthy human fruit,' you will still mess up from time to time. Those triggers you've had since birth, though dealt with and Washed in the Blood, will resurface on a day when you have the flu, or slept 3 hours because the toddler kept you up in a noisy storm, or whatever else. They will come. And, whether they happen often, or once a year, it's important to remind your children that even when you fail them, God is the perfect parent. Don't ever allow them to believe that you are the perfect representation of God. No, you are in process. You have many good days of expressing the Father's nature, but after the flu, or sleepless night #42, you have succumbed to humanity yet again. Make sure you tell them that God is not ashamed of them, and will never glare at them, or manipulate them. I tell my kids all the time that I will never be enough for them, but God will. I read stories in the Bible, books on revival, and testimonies that come across my favorite sites, all revealing the Father's heart. I never want them to turn away from God because they think He parents like me in my weakness. Though unfair, we all have moments where we took our own parents shortcomings and reflected them onto God. Humans are human. God is God. It's a wonderfully healthy line when we can separate the two.

I really love connection parenting. I love those moments where I am “fishing” for my children's heart, and they grab hold. Those easy moments. I have grown to love those hard, trying places where my problems caused them pain. My sweet child will become like a bottom dwellers, hiding in a place where no simple fishing line could go. These are the times when I must ask forgiveness, be filled with God's grace and love over me, and and humble myself before them, spilling out what I can only receive from God to them.  When reconciliation comes, it is a quiet moment of victorious realization, "This works." It's worth it, and while it starts in the home, it grows me in ways that affects nearly every sphere of my life.

I am not insinuating that there are not times to discipline! Here are my views on that.