Surrendering Control

 As of late, God has me on this vulnerability train. I can't explain it, but suddenly, being honest about myself feels less terrifying. In a terrifying sort of way, that is. By that mean I mean, to pull the heavy armor of self-preservation away is liberating, but to be exposed is frightening. Yet, God loves us, flaws and all, and the quicker we can rest in His acceptance, the quicker we are able to take a good, hard look at ourselves, at our flaws, and deal with them. You find the healing you need, a piece of your heart gets mended, you pass it on.

So while I'm on this vulnerability train, I want to divulge a process God has had me in for several years now: Surrendering control.

For my entire life, people have assumed because of my size that I must have an eating disorder. I have wanted to invite perfect strangers to my meals so they can see with their own two (nosy) eyes that I eat more than enough food. It's called metabolism. As I grew older, and the speculation continued, I began to think there must be a serious problem with me. Why couldn't I gain weight?

Soon words like thyroid and adrenals and gut health began to enter my vocabulary. I also had a history of food intolerances. Long story short, I quickly learned that some foods fed my health, and others starved it. The end. I sank into a lifestyle of Yes and No's when it came to my diet: Yes, I can have this. No, I cannot have that.

It was comfortable. Not to mention, God provided for all of my convictions. We had just enough money to purchase organic foods, and in months of lack, it seemed organic vegetables would appear on our doorstep (TRUE STORY). I had not a care in the world....until we went on vacation.

Vacation: when you just have to eat fast foods, sometimes. Vacation: when Daddy tells mommy to “loosen up.” Vacation: when it is nearly impossible to find gluten-free and hydrogenated oil-free foods. I became a very irritable, miserable, hungry woman on this trip, many years ago. By day two, I had only eaten kale with lemon juice on it (it's okay, you can laugh at me). I was trying so badly to heal my gut, I could not bring myself to eat a decent meal. I decided I would rather starve than eat something processed.

That's when my husband sat me down and told me he was pretty sure I had an eating disorder.

What?

Yes, I thought he was crazy. He was never on board with my food choices. He always thought it drained our budget. He hated sauerkraut. He thought bone broth smelt of dog poop. What does he know? But, after having a meltdown at Disney Land (THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH) because I couldn't find anything that I could eat, I began realizing that maybe my husband; my accusatory, non-supportive husband, could have a point.

And, everyone knows that admitting you have a problem is the first step to dealing with your problem.

 I dealt with mine by getting home as soon as possible and detoxing for a week.

Months passed by.

As part of my beliefs about food, I never rejected something offered to me. One night, we were at a friend's house and she prepared a non-organic pork loin in the crockpot. . I don't remember thinking this, but the truth of the matter was, I would have never purchased a non-organic pork loin at that time in my life. But, because she made it for my family, I ate it. A lot of it. I had like five servings. I was absolutely starving.

This was around the time I began to confess to my husband that I was going to need help. I talked to a mentor mom that I trusted. I told my best friend (the one who fixed me the pork!). And, I began to talk openly with God about it, owning my struggle. For me, that never meant surrendering my standards, it meant elevating my faith above food. 

Why is this story relevant now? 

Well, this week I am volunteering at VBS. I was mentally prepared not to eat a perfect diet. Pancakes for breakfast were going to happen. Doughnuts. Pizza for lunch. Bologna sandwiches. 

The first morning, the staff celebrated with doughnuts from a popular place in town. I grabbed one up, and decidedly split it in half. As I absolutely relished my doughnut ration, my best friend gasped, “Oh my gosh! You are eating a doughnut! Who are you?” I blinked twice. She says, "I'm so proud of you." 

I told my husband that afternoon, “Do you think I still have problems with food?” He laughed at me, “I think you're a prude...?”

Work in progress, right here.  

Allow me to emphatically say that when I ration food, refuse food, plan, and allow myself to feel consumed by guilt, I am not in faith. I am not trusting God. I am reigning with all of my might any bit of control I can gather. And the truth is, it's not that much. It's prideful and prudish. It's the pinnacle of self-preservation, the opposite of authenticity. It's entitlement. Most of all though, it's wretched, all-consuming fear.

As I prepared to write this blog, I heard God say SO clearly 1 Timothy 4. Here we go:

“For every creature of God is good, and nothing is to be refused if it is received with thanksgiving. For it is sanctified by the word of God and prayer. If you instruct the brethren of these things, you will be a good minister of Jesus Christ, nourished in the words of faith and of the good doctrine you have carefully followed....For bodily exercise profits a little, but godliness is profitable for all things, having promise of the life that is and of that which is to come....For to this end we both labor and suffer approach, because we trust in the living God, who is the savior of all men, especially those who believe.”

So, let's break this down: "Everything God created as food is good." Technically, Paul is talking about the old covenant of food laws being null. But, the principle is that food is sanctified by prayer. There is speculation that the old testament law was enforced to keep people from falling ill. Example, the people were told not to eat pigs because they fed on trash It was God's attempt at preserving their lives. In the New Testament, we are given authority over all things, including our food. We can bless it. Gratitude is also a necessary component of our meals, and we all know that gratitude is the most powerful weapon to wield against entitlement.

Then, I love the next line: "If you instruct others about this, you will be a good minister, nourished in the words of faith." NOURISHED. There is nothing more nourishing than faith. This has been my greatest tool in overcoming food control, planting my feet firmly in the gospel.

“...For bodily exercise profits little, but godliness is profitable for all things, having promise for life.”

You know, when I control food, it is an attempt to preserve my life. To be healthy. But, read this scripture carefully: godliness gives us the promise of life, and the life to come. It preserves our lives.

Notice Paul doesn't say that self-preservation and taking care of ourselves is not profitable at all. No, not that. But, it is only a little profitable. I also wonder how many of us grow ill or feel overcome by fatigue and think, "I just need to eat better." Maybe we do? Or, maybe we need to submit to the process of becoming more Christlike. 

Now, to finish up the scripture, "to what end do we labor? To what end do we suffer?"

Not starving ourselves.

Not hating our bodies.

Not shaming our children because of their food choices. 

Because we trust the living God. 

Now, I am not saying that we should not eat healthy. Trust me, I would never say that. There is however a risk for anything to elevate itself above God. That is called idolatry.

Idolatry is very dangerous. And, eating disorders are never about making food an idol. It's making yourself an idol. This leads me to James 3:15, “For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there.”

So, we'll stop there. But, yikes. Every evil thing.

The answer is to not serve yourself, but serve God. Nourish yourself with faith. Pursue godliness. Have open conversations with God about your personal food convictions, and write them down. Ask yourself as you eat whether you have approached the meal in fear or faith. More than anything, take a deep breath and feel yourself float into His palm. He is fully trustworthy.