Are you Called?

Months ago a story circulated the ever-negative internet world that a televangelist was raising funds for a new jet to add to his private fleet. My non-religious friends shared with various taglines such as, “Never trust a preacher asking for money,” and other general statements suggesting that ministry was just a means of becoming wealthy. Some of my thoughts were, “It’s possible to generate income from ministry? How come we haven’t stumbled upon this secret?”

Now, I was being sarcastic because our family has been in some form of ministry for almost seven years and we’ve never made over $30,000/year, and that’s when my husband worked a part-time job outside the church to sustain income. So, let’s be clear, we don’t serve the church for the money.

Then, yesterday an article surfaced calling out the Catholic church on thousands of accounts of sexual abuse. Again, the commentary was hateful towards ministers- not the demon of religion, and I became frustrated at this. I questioned my husband for input, like, how could this happen? I mean, why go into ministry if you aren’t meaning to serve the Lord? With wisdom Paul responded, “I think people who aren’t called go into ministry for the prestige. Maybe family expectation? Consistent income. Influence.”

Still, my questions didn’t change from the completely dumbfounded, "What?...How?...Why?"

So, instead of balking and sulking and remaining dumbfounded, I decided to help anyone who may feel called determine the validity of that calling, and while I’m at it, I’ll invite you into my process.

I didn’t grow up wanting to pursue ministry.

In college I majored in education and environmental studies, hoping to follow in my inspirational professor’s footsteps and spread the word on global warming.

But, God had other plans.

I became pregnant my junior year and decided to keep my baby, only meaning to give up a semester of school. In this time, I returned to church and ran after Jesus. When school began, I wanted to check off the box for environmental studies. I loved animals, and the environment. I loved justice. I loved being a feminist. These pieces of my life had begun to diminish though, and as I stared at the list of majors I couldn’t take my eyes from youth ministry.

To be clear, my family is incredibly supportive of me now, but then, they were less than impressed. In fact, their first reaction was, “We’re not paying for you to major in something that you’ll not be able to make a living from.” As a compromise, I double-majored in youth ministry and English, also taking classes to receive my teaching certificate.

[So, first thing to know if you pursue ministry: Expect opposition. Maybe from your family, maybe from peers? I really don’t know anyone that publicly proclaimed their calling without someone they respected clenching their jaws in a forced expression, then responding with, “Oh.” I feel if you aren’t shocking someone, you’re probably not doing it right.]

Here I was, twenty years old, on fire for God and reading my Bible day and night. I prayed for a husband to come alongside me and help raise my son, and within months, I married an incredible man of God. Wow. To be honest, God was showing off. But, something strange happened in college. My professors began to disqualify the Bible. They called God an It. A Goddess. I would write He, the professor would cross it out and label my assignment Incomplete. In the meantime, I was being promoted to editor of our school’s Poetry Club. I had excellent grades, good friends, but I couldn’t shake the need to protest the infiltration of lies in the ministry department. In the end, I made a C in one of my ministry courses because I’d rather receive an incomplete than betray what I perceived as the truth. Before the next semester, I submitted my resignation, never again to return to school.

[Expect to be tested in what you believe, and not in a way where you become the hero or the social media evangelist with a searing tongue. I’m talking, can you stand in the fire? Will you look like a fool for Jesus? I feel I had to pass this test relatively early in my call to ministry and I have a 2.5 GPA to prove it.]

Paul worked for a car dealership during the recession of 2009 when God decided to turn our lives upside down. No one in my family was pleased I had quit school, but I was certain it was God’s will, and in the fallout, I began to scheme for our future. California was like a faint whisper in my spirit, day in and day out. I mentioned it to Paul but he was like, “Um, you need money to move across the country.” Oh, yeah...money. At the time, my parents were graciously allowing us to live in a rental property free of charge, and we drove vehicles at no cost to us. But, every day….California…

I will never forget the phone call that changed everything.

Paul worked sixty hour weeks back then, but often called home during lunch breaks.

“So, I had a dream California was on fire...and I think you’re right. I think we’re supposed to move there.”

We mentioned our plan to Paul’s parents, who were living in California at the time, and they offered to ask around for job opportunities. After all, if North Carolina was experiencing a recession, California was really experiencing a recession. Of course, this was God’s will, so the doors began to swing wide.

Four weeks later, we told my family we were leaving.

No one can imagine the pain that came as a result. My family was heartbroken. They begged us to reconsider. They told us we had not heard from God. They reminded us all of the ways they had generously poured into our lives- and that was all true. I wasn’t sure how we were going to survive without them. Again, the call was tested like never before. The day before we were set to move across the country, we gave away over half of our belongings. I laid on the cold bathroom floor and sobbed until I wretched into the toilet, over and over. I called our pastor and left a voicemail to please call me because I was suicidal. I wanted to die.

But, no, I wanted to serve God. I literally rolled around on the floor in a battle for my life because I did not want to leave everything I had ever known. I clung to my Bible and continued to cry dry tears until midnight.

The next morning at dawn, we loaded our vehicle to the top and traveled across the country.

[It baffles me when people go into ministry without paying a price. It makes me cringe. I guess I suffer this reaction because I paid a price early on and get to live in its fruit now. I wouldn’t take back an ounce of it. As a result, I have been utterly alone, completely impoverished, at the end of my rope again and again and again and again, and I have gotten back up and fought for the word God gave my family. Honestly, why do anything you haven’t paid a price for? Ministry is certainly no exception. Also, keep in mind that your price may not be the same as mine. What or who do you trust more than God? That's usually where it starts. ]

Out of this season came the most extreme deliverance. Years of oppression bubbled to the surface. I was a train wreck. There were moments I wondered if I was even a Christian because I felt so abandoned by God. All I can is that God plopped me into process and I constantly crossed  paths of the right people at the most precise moments, and the layers of shame and filth and codependency began to fall away.

And, that was only the beginning.

In the midst of this, I was learning to hear the voice of the Father and He is not so conventional.

For example, if we had ten dollars in our bank account, He’d tell us to give it a way.

If my husband had a good job, He’d tell him to quit.

We’d prevent pregnancy because it seemed like the wise thing to do with no money, but I’d get pregnant, anyway.

Then, God would be like, “Now. Now is the time to move to a new city and start over.”

For years we entered this crazy wilderness, a truly impossible place. Without God, we would have had nothing.

But, that wasn’t the case. Instead, we had vehicles given to us, housing provided at $700/month (in California!), and food REPEATEDLY left on our doorstep. Like, we used to buy ½ a cow for $500 at a time and eat 95% organic and we had NO MONEY. I still have no idea how we did that. We didn’t have food stamps or insurance or credit cards or regular contributors, but we were healthy and had everything we needed.

THEN, God was like, “If you want another baby, I have one ready for you.”

CRAZY.

“Okay, God. I’ll take the baby." I was pregnant THAT month.

Three months later, our landlord gave us notice.

WHAT?

This is the part in the story where we thought we were hearing God, but ZERO doors opened. So, within a two-week window, we decided to move back across the country, to a state neither of us had ever lived. 

[I can’t make these things up. All I’ll say is that if you want to go into ministry, FOR REAL, be prepared for sanctification. Truthfully, everyone that loves Jesus will experience sanctification to some degree, but ministers are actually called to a higher standard. Don’t worry, you’ll learn not to be so shocked by impossibility.]

And, still, in my opinion, that’s the easy part. The hard part is that normal, devastating life happens around you like any other person- flat tires, identity theft, sick children, cancer diagnosis of a beloved relative, whatever- but in ministry, you’re under a microscope. For me, I have a constant awareness that others look to me for influence, which used to make honesty difficult. What if someone thinks my honesty isn’t holy? Does that change my testimony? Over the years, I’ve learned that no, honesty doesn’t change my commitment to God. I’ve walked through a tremendous amount of grief and process and I’m entitled to flail around as much as the next person, for a short time, at least.

[That being said, following trial and opposition and sanctification and continued price paying, allow me to save you the shock of what happens next: Humanity surfaces.]

Oh, yeah. Don’t be surprised if your dream slaps you in the face a time or two.

You can do everything RIGHT, pay every price, but the church will hire the cousin of the wealthy elder.

A pastor you trusted goes to jail for the sexual abuse of minors.

A pastor you trusted is having an affair.

A pastor you trusted has abandoned the pulpit to pursue multi-level marketing (no offense to MLM, I just don’t personally think pastors should use their influence to boost their down line).

A pastor you trusted is getting a divorce.

A pastor you trusted becomes an atheist.

[THESE ARE EXAMPLES FROM MY PERSONAL LIFE.

You will ask yourself a THOUSAND times if the price is too high. And, if you’re anything like me, you’ll instantly repent and agree to pay any price, because life is short, His love is limitless, and the reward is eternal.]

Are you called?

I can’t answer that question for anyone, but my next question is, can you pay the price?

Will you?

Will you obey God at any cost?

Will you lay down your life?

Will you flee religion and pursue the man Jesus Christ?

Will you trust Him to promote you in His timing?

Will you serve without expectation or recognition?

Will you love? Like, REALLY love?

And, that’s the most brutal and beautiful part of ministry...because if you’re really called, you’ll answer YES to all of the above, and you’ll do it for love, because you LOVE people. You’ll do it because Jesus is the good shepherd and He said YES to every one of those questions, and became the perfect example of love poured out. He is MY example. Oh, that I would love like Jesus! HE is my YES.

Are you called?

Then begin crying out to God to EMPTY YOU completely, to increase your faith, increase your dependency, increase your capacity to BE LOVED and TO LOVE at any cost. And if you can’t pray those prayers, do the church a favor and don’t become a pastor. The church needs seasoned lovers, not posers.

I write this blog as humbly as possible, still deep, deep in process. I love the church and it pains my heart to see the negative headlines surfacing over and over. Yes, there is an enemy out to destroy church leaders, but there is always personal responsibility. As Christians, the enemy has no more authority in our lives than we give him, so pointing fingers at the devil in infidelity and sin doesn’t necessarily solve the problem.

Are you called?

You’re in for an incredible adventure. And, here’s the best wisdom I have to offer: Let Father God love you and teach you what true love looks like. Then, love yourself (Go on...you’re worth it. He paid a price for you!). Then, love others.

Then, all the price-paying stuff becomes, not easy, but doable. Fruitful. And, you can run the race with your eye on the prize- glory for your King!