The day I learned that I would birth a baby girl into the world was a glorious one. Daddy and Mommy cried on that day. I remember speaking out verses over her, as well as clichés that I hoped she would hear and understand, “You are a gentle sweat heart,” I would say. “Like a Lily among thorns is my darling…Sonora Grace,” I painted in script on a picture frame waiting for her angelic face to fill it. She was an angel that we were waiting to cuddle, kiss, and coax into a life of being Mommy’s princess and Daddy’s little girl. But Sonora Grace has exceeded our expectations as a precious angel, and continues to throw us a curve ball every day.
I sometimes feel guilty when I talk about her to others, and I do want to explain myself. Much of the time I say things out of frustration because Sonora Grace is not a “gentle sweetheart,” she is a fighter. Whenever the Fort Hood attacks in Texas happened, I remember sitting on the couch staring into the TV and weeping. I rested my hand on my pregnant belly and stroked, what am I going to do? I wondered how on earth I was going to bring a precious, sensitive young lady into a world full of evil. I thought about how selfish I was to want a little girl in a world made for men, made for people much stronger than I. I could barely survive the news of the attacks, how was I going to raise a baby in the midst of chaos? My greatest hope was that Jesus would come soon. That is still my greatest hope. I found myself crying out to God for an answer and felt the Lord gently reassuring me that Sonora Grace could be part of the answer, would be part of the fight to shine truth into radical hate. Then I was really scared. “No, no, no, not my lily, not my princess!” But I could see that God had made up His mind, and the kicking started. No flutters as I had once described Jake’s legs brushing my sides. Wham! All of the time. “She is so gentle,” I lied. Her due date was May 15th. My family, God bless them, are very superstitious and the rule went, “she can come on any day but the 13th! The 13th, a day with more than superstitious reasoning on its side (my family has had numerous bad luck on the 13th of different months, it continues to justify their superstition!) is her birthday. God’s sense of humor, I guess although I think if Sonora could have picked a date, she would’ve have picked something that was opposed!
I’ve made so many mistakes with her, letting her walk all over me. When I reach to change her and she screams I yank my hand away like she’s a rattle snake. When she casually rips my shirt down, I nurse her. I pray for wisdom already for how on earth I’m supposed to raise her. Not only is she incredibly strong, but she clearly has Daddy’s flare for intelligence. Of course, every parent thinks their child is brilliant, but Sonora Grace is very analytical. She will do almost anything she see’s Jake doing. (it’s kind of nice after having a son that’s always a little behind every one else, no offense Jake!). She colors, plays a drum, knows some baby “signs, “ and will even attempt counting! I’ve considered looking into potty training in a couple of months not only because I think she’ll get it, but because changing her diaper is a battle in itself. I feel like everything is a battle with her sometimes. Paul and I talk about the strange dynamic of Sonora Grace, someone so sensitive that saying, “aaaaant!” at her before she’s about to dig into Rush’s water bowl will make her cry like she’s been hit. Yet, she’ll put up a fight. Sensitive and fearless, yes, God is going to use her mightily.
It’s what I prayed for honestly, a girl that would get it right. Not to put myself down because I feel like much of my early life was dictated by the enemy’s hold on me and I wanted a daughter who would be anything but like me. I feel very ineffective because of my insecurities, because I never fight, and I can be easily swayed one way or the other. Well, I got my wish and although she is not the “prissy” daughter that I thought I would surely get, she is who God made her to be and she is so special, so extra-ordinary and I love her. I love her so much, and I feel helpless without the Lord when it comes to raising her. I know that to some it will sound strange that my tiny one year old, I’m prepared to watch her walk out the door and take on the world. But I know what she was created for, my little world changer, Sonora Grace.
Sonora, you are a lily among thorns, because you are different. Even now, you play by your own rules and I love every second of it. I cannot wait to see how God uses you, I humbly submit to what He has for you because so far, all of my expectations have been blown out of the water. That’s ok. You are exactly who God made you to be, and I love you. I love how you lean in for a kiss, your mouth wide open so my squeaky pucker can echo in your mouth, and you giggle. I love how you wave goodbye every time I tell someone goodbye on the telephone. Believe it or not, I love when you climb my leg, and how you nuzzle my chest, and how you wrap your legs around me and relax at the sound of my heartbeat. And after I get through training you up, I know that you are going to teach me a thing or two. You have all of the makings of a leader, a warrior, and yet, a lady. We named you Sonora because www.babynames.com said that it meant “harmonious sound.” How appropriate for the gentle, sweetheart that I was preparing for! Upon meeting a woman who speaks fluent Spanish she racked her brain for the real meaning and said she understood it to mean, “loud.” Sigh, it suits you, my dear. Believe me though, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Happy 1st birthday!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Abstinence talk.
I just want to complain? Is that ok? Is it ok that pretty much everything I have been planning is in shambles now? Just so you know, there is a smile on my face as I write this. I am happy because I know that once God closes a door somewhere, He just has better plans than I could ever imagine. Still, even next year I wonder what my family will be up to. If you aren’t aware, we are no longer house shopping. In fact, we are rental house shopping yet again because another year in Mi-wuk will make my issues with contentment nearly impossible. I love our house, and I’m grateful that God provides it for us. However, I think he understands that snow in May can no longer be a part of my life, right, God? I just can’t take it!
I’ve had a lot of things circling around in my head, and I give God all credit for the awesome things happening. First of all, I hope it is ok if I brag for a minute. I have been volunteering at our local pregnancy center and they have recently asked me to step up and speak in local youth groups, and the public schools. My topic: abstinence. I feel extremely unworthy, after all, I probably didn’t know the definition of abstinence when I was in high school! I was certainly not equipped with what it would have taken to wait on a husband, and I blame no one but myself and a perverse culture. But, no matter how much inner healing I have gone through the regret of decisions that I made in high school and college ways on me like 1,0000 pounds. I have been reading book after book after book on how to wait. I have watched 3 presentations on the topic in which very gifted teachers push the STD statistics. Why shouldn’t they? They stats are horrendous, 1 in 4 students have an STD, 1 in 2 are virgins, I mean come on! Yet, I have to wonder why the emotional scars are saved for the last ten minutes of the presentation. As someone who has suffered nearly all of the physical risks, I can tell you that the emotional toll is far worse than anyone can ever imagine. If only I could have fathomed the power of a simple, “no.” I think the truth is, it isn’t simple. Not even close, and having only waited for marriage one time, I can say that it was quite the undertaking with a measly three month engagement! So, I don’t have the answers. But I feel like the Lord is just whispering to my spirit, it’s worth it to try to warn them, all while leaving the words “God’s love” and “God’s grace” out of the presentation. But I’ve got to try. And yes, after reading countless books, and watching a million presentations thus far my plan is to just pour my heart out before them, and let my broken spirit serve as a banner, It’s not worth it! I don’t know if enough tears from someone who knew better, or enough sermons from someone who made every right decision would have changed my mind, but I just hope God uses me. Of course, it’s cheesy, but if one girl can see that my pain is not an act then it is worth it, more than worth all the pain it has caused me to tear open these closed wounds and try to let God heal them once and for all so I can tell these “1 out of 2” teenagers that either it is worth it to wait, and if you haven’t, it’s worth it to start over. I am so unworthy of this call, I mean, the enemy tells me every day how ineffective I will be because I did everything wrong. But I love God, and I love His plan, and I love this generation of young people and if I have the opportunity to share, then despite my unworthiness I’ll just do it.
Motherhood is going much better. My Mom came to visit last week (as many of you know) and it was such a time of restoration for my soul. To have my Mom close was healing, but having her see my home was so precious, and knowing that she knows where I live just makes a difference. Also, having help with the kids just for a short time was exactly what I needed to kind of help me move from point a to point b. I feel like since all of this abstinence stuff has come up, I have been dealing with what I call a “broken heart,” and wondering how on earth that is treated. I have been selling the gospel to Jake as simply as I can: “Our hearts are dirty Jake, but Jesus washes them for us.” So he repeats that. The other day I was sitting next to him in the backseat and he looked at me and said, “Our hearts are broken, but Jesus will fix them.” I don’t know if he heard it in Sunday school, or if Jesus told him that my analogy was not accurate but I just love the wisdom of children. While disciplining is not easy, I have been thinking that parenting is not as difficult as I once thought it was. I think just sharing with him the love of God and how special he is, I just wonder if I would have escaped a broken heart if I was told from the minute I could understand language that I was created by God, loved by God, and from the beginning of time was set aside for a special purpose. Although Jake is a little needy, (“Sit mommy, sit mommy!”) I know about God‘s love, and I can share it with him. Unfortunately, my actions do not always speak of my love for them, but I do love them, so much. I just asked Jake what God looked like and he said, “Mommy, God’s looks like the sunshine.” See, I would have said Santa Clause or something, but the sunshine is much more fitting. What a smart little guy.
Sonora Grace, although she is quite adorable at 3 am, it is very tiring. We went completely through crib training successfully, only to rock her to sleep at church, have her fall asleep in the car several times, and now we’re back to square one. AHH!!! How did this happen? I can’t wait to see how God uses that strong-willed little booger, I have a feeling that when she gets bigger I will not be bragging how easy parenting is! Anyway, we are happy. Jake hovering over my keyboard saying, “Mommy, I press that button,” and pointing to random buttons on the keyboard. I really don’t feel like spanking him so I better go play with him. Ok, he wins. 3124
I’ve had a lot of things circling around in my head, and I give God all credit for the awesome things happening. First of all, I hope it is ok if I brag for a minute. I have been volunteering at our local pregnancy center and they have recently asked me to step up and speak in local youth groups, and the public schools. My topic: abstinence. I feel extremely unworthy, after all, I probably didn’t know the definition of abstinence when I was in high school! I was certainly not equipped with what it would have taken to wait on a husband, and I blame no one but myself and a perverse culture. But, no matter how much inner healing I have gone through the regret of decisions that I made in high school and college ways on me like 1,0000 pounds. I have been reading book after book after book on how to wait. I have watched 3 presentations on the topic in which very gifted teachers push the STD statistics. Why shouldn’t they? They stats are horrendous, 1 in 4 students have an STD, 1 in 2 are virgins, I mean come on! Yet, I have to wonder why the emotional scars are saved for the last ten minutes of the presentation. As someone who has suffered nearly all of the physical risks, I can tell you that the emotional toll is far worse than anyone can ever imagine. If only I could have fathomed the power of a simple, “no.” I think the truth is, it isn’t simple. Not even close, and having only waited for marriage one time, I can say that it was quite the undertaking with a measly three month engagement! So, I don’t have the answers. But I feel like the Lord is just whispering to my spirit, it’s worth it to try to warn them, all while leaving the words “God’s love” and “God’s grace” out of the presentation. But I’ve got to try. And yes, after reading countless books, and watching a million presentations thus far my plan is to just pour my heart out before them, and let my broken spirit serve as a banner, It’s not worth it! I don’t know if enough tears from someone who knew better, or enough sermons from someone who made every right decision would have changed my mind, but I just hope God uses me. Of course, it’s cheesy, but if one girl can see that my pain is not an act then it is worth it, more than worth all the pain it has caused me to tear open these closed wounds and try to let God heal them once and for all so I can tell these “1 out of 2” teenagers that either it is worth it to wait, and if you haven’t, it’s worth it to start over. I am so unworthy of this call, I mean, the enemy tells me every day how ineffective I will be because I did everything wrong. But I love God, and I love His plan, and I love this generation of young people and if I have the opportunity to share, then despite my unworthiness I’ll just do it.
Motherhood is going much better. My Mom came to visit last week (as many of you know) and it was such a time of restoration for my soul. To have my Mom close was healing, but having her see my home was so precious, and knowing that she knows where I live just makes a difference. Also, having help with the kids just for a short time was exactly what I needed to kind of help me move from point a to point b. I feel like since all of this abstinence stuff has come up, I have been dealing with what I call a “broken heart,” and wondering how on earth that is treated. I have been selling the gospel to Jake as simply as I can: “Our hearts are dirty Jake, but Jesus washes them for us.” So he repeats that. The other day I was sitting next to him in the backseat and he looked at me and said, “Our hearts are broken, but Jesus will fix them.” I don’t know if he heard it in Sunday school, or if Jesus told him that my analogy was not accurate but I just love the wisdom of children. While disciplining is not easy, I have been thinking that parenting is not as difficult as I once thought it was. I think just sharing with him the love of God and how special he is, I just wonder if I would have escaped a broken heart if I was told from the minute I could understand language that I was created by God, loved by God, and from the beginning of time was set aside for a special purpose. Although Jake is a little needy, (“Sit mommy, sit mommy!”) I know about God‘s love, and I can share it with him. Unfortunately, my actions do not always speak of my love for them, but I do love them, so much. I just asked Jake what God looked like and he said, “Mommy, God’s looks like the sunshine.” See, I would have said Santa Clause or something, but the sunshine is much more fitting. What a smart little guy.
Sonora Grace, although she is quite adorable at 3 am, it is very tiring. We went completely through crib training successfully, only to rock her to sleep at church, have her fall asleep in the car several times, and now we’re back to square one. AHH!!! How did this happen? I can’t wait to see how God uses that strong-willed little booger, I have a feeling that when she gets bigger I will not be bragging how easy parenting is! Anyway, we are happy. Jake hovering over my keyboard saying, “Mommy, I press that button,” and pointing to random buttons on the keyboard. I really don’t feel like spanking him so I better go play with him. Ok, he wins. 3124
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