Abstinence talk.

I just want to complain? Is that ok? Is it ok that pretty much everything I have been planning is in shambles now? Just so you know, there is a smile on my face as I write this. I am happy because I know that once God closes a door somewhere, He just has better plans than I could ever imagine. Still, even next year I wonder what my family will be up to. If you aren’t aware, we are no longer house shopping. In fact, we are rental house shopping yet again because another year in Mi-wuk will make my issues with contentment nearly impossible. I love our house, and I’m grateful that God provides it for us. However, I think he understands that snow in May can no longer be a part of my life, right, God? I just can’t take it!


I’ve had a lot of things circling around in my head, and I give God all credit for the awesome things happening. First of all, I hope it is ok if I brag for a minute. I have been volunteering at our local pregnancy center and they have recently asked me to step up and speak in local youth groups, and the public schools. My topic: abstinence. I feel extremely unworthy, after all, I probably didn’t know the definition of abstinence when I was in high school! I was certainly not equipped with what it would have taken to wait on a husband, and I blame no one but myself and a perverse culture. But, no matter how much inner healing I have gone through the regret of decisions that I made in high school and college ways on me like 1,0000 pounds. I have been reading book after book after book on how to wait. I have watched 3 presentations on the topic in which very gifted teachers push the STD statistics. Why shouldn’t they? They stats are horrendous, 1 in 4 students have an STD, 1 in 2 are virgins, I mean come on! Yet, I have to wonder why the emotional scars are saved for the last ten minutes of the presentation. As someone who has suffered nearly all of the physical risks, I can tell you that the emotional toll is far worse than anyone can ever imagine. If only I could have fathomed the power of a simple, “no.” I think the truth is, it isn’t simple. Not even close, and having only waited for marriage one time, I can say that it was quite the undertaking with a measly three month engagement! So, I don’t have the answers. But I feel like the Lord is just whispering to my spirit, it’s worth it to try to warn them, all while leaving the words “God’s love” and “God’s grace” out of the presentation. But I’ve got to try. And yes, after reading countless books, and watching a million presentations thus far my plan is to just pour my heart out before them, and let my broken spirit serve as a banner, It’s not worth it! I don’t know if enough tears from someone who knew better, or enough sermons from someone who made every right decision would have changed my mind, but I just hope God uses me. Of course, it’s cheesy, but if one girl can see that my pain is not an act then it is worth it, more than worth all the pain it has caused me to tear open these closed wounds and try to let God heal them once and for all so I can tell these “1 out of 2” teenagers that either it is worth it to wait, and if you haven’t, it’s worth it to start over. I am so unworthy of this call, I mean, the enemy tells me every day how ineffective I will be because I did everything wrong. But I love God, and I love His plan, and I love this generation of young people and if I have the opportunity to share, then despite my unworthiness I’ll just do it.

Motherhood is going much better. My Mom came to visit last week (as many of you know) and it was such a time of restoration for my soul. To have my Mom close was healing, but having her see my home was so precious, and knowing that she knows where I live just makes a difference. Also, having help with the kids just for a short time was exactly what I needed to kind of help me move from point a to point b. I feel like since all of this abstinence stuff has come up, I have been dealing with what I call a “broken heart,” and wondering how on earth that is treated. I have been selling the gospel to Jake as simply as I can: “Our hearts are dirty Jake, but Jesus washes them for us.” So he repeats that. The other day I was sitting next to him in the backseat and he looked at me and said, “Our hearts are broken, but Jesus will fix them.” I don’t know if he heard it in Sunday school, or if Jesus told him that my analogy was not accurate but I just love the wisdom of children. While disciplining is not easy, I have been thinking that parenting is not as difficult as I once thought it was. I think just sharing with him the love of God and how special he is, I just wonder if I would have escaped a broken heart if I was told from the minute I could understand language that I was created by God, loved by God, and from the beginning of time was set aside for a special purpose. Although Jake is a little needy, (“Sit mommy, sit mommy!”) I know about God‘s love, and I can share it with him. Unfortunately, my actions do not always speak of my love for them, but I do love them, so much. I just asked Jake what God looked like and he said, “Mommy, God’s looks like the sunshine.” See, I would have said Santa Clause or something, but the sunshine is much more fitting. What a smart little guy.

Sonora Grace, although she is quite adorable at 3 am, it is very tiring. We went completely through crib training successfully, only to rock her to sleep at church, have her fall asleep in the car several times, and now we’re back to square one. AHH!!! How did this happen? I can’t wait to see how God uses that strong-willed little booger, I have a feeling that when she gets bigger I will not be bragging how easy parenting is! Anyway, we are happy. Jake hovering over my keyboard saying, “Mommy, I press that button,” and pointing to random buttons on the keyboard. I really don’t feel like spanking him so I better go play with him. Ok, he wins. 3124