Date Night

         Tonight I had the privilege of spending time with my husband, on a date, with no echoes of “MOMMY, DOWN!” and “GIMME SPRITE, I NEED IT!”  We weren’t quite sure what to do with ourselves.  We did enjoy our meal though, but not near as much as one another’s company.  I think a question that frequents our days, weeks, and months is “Are you happy with me?”  I ask it more than I care to admit, and Paul asked me today.  It never catches me off guard, and Paul even less.  I can’t give Paul the answer he’s looking for just because it’s the answer he’s looking for.  I always take my time and think about it.  It seems fair that way, and honest.
                Yes, I am 100%, completely, and utterly thrilled to be his wife.  Grateful.  Content.  Paul wasn’t exactly excited that I wanted to spend the first hour of our date night shopping for fabric, but he’s a good guy and allowed it (Thank you, Paul!), and then we ate dinner at a burrito bar restaurant.   Paul asked what was on my mind, and that’s not a question he asks a lot because he knows mostly what I’ll go on and on about.

             I HAVE GOT TO GET THAT BROWN WALL IN OUR ROOM PAINTED WHITE.  I have to paint those shelves downstairs white.  I have to get the kids room done, I’d like to have our yard sale sometimes soon. ......

                “I know, but what place does the Lord have you in?”

                That is my favorite thing to talk about with Paul.  I’m not sure why it doesn’t come up more often. If you have a relationship with the Lord than you know that He never changes, but the seasons He moves his children through often do.  At least this is the case with me.  Paul and I are both prone to legalism in a sense, mostly because it seems to make sense.  We say ‘God is love,” and by all means believe it, but I don’t think either of us have begun to understand what that love means.  And we’re desperate.  That’s the only way to put it.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good place to be.  Talking with Paul, my precious husband, about his hunger for the Holy Spirit in His life is pretty cool. 
                We seem caught in the middle all too often of living in God’s will, or living amongst the world and its expectations.   We are starting to see that just because God calls one person to something, that doesn’t necessarily mean that He calls us to the same thing, just because we admire that person and their walk.  It’s not always what God has called us to.  Ok, finicky revelations here.  More than anything, we are starting to understand the depth at which God loves us, and enjoys us.  I think what gets us is that it’s not about how we love, it’s about how He loves.  We really aren’t blown away yet, and not confused either.  We are just eagerly seeking, and He’s responding.  I think Paul especially is really putting himself out there to be met by God in a way like never before. This is indeed an exciting season for us. 

                As for me, the Lord has been speaking “PEACE” to me for weeks now.  Why? For what?  I don’t know, I guess because I NEED peace so badly in my life, and I thought that was probably all there was to it.  Until the Lord told me that I was called to be a peacemaker.  Not just to have peace in my life, but to impart it to others.  I thought it was strange because I don’t feel like I emanate peace, in fact most of the time I’m chanting in rhythm with my footsteps up and down the hall in my house, “There is going to be peace in this house, There is going to be peace in this house, There is going to be peace in this house.”  Can’t say my chanting brings about any real progress, but it reaffirms my goal.   I just love peace, I have fallen in love with it and I need it.  And my peace comes from the Lord. 

                Ever since I was a child I dreamed of the day that I would be married.  It really is everything I thought it would be and more.  Our children are precious and we are so grateful to be their parents!  We love our family, our friends, and I just cannot imagine life outside the way it is now.  And I love date night talks with my precious, wonderful husband!

No excuses!

Maybe I should have two blogs: one for family talk, and one for all of my religion rantings. Those interested in the former could possibly avoid the latter if I had such commitment. But I don’t. But I have been kind of learning something lately concerning my faith and I wanted to share. I think it is a message for the church, and truthfully, it convicts me to a point of humility in my own walk. I’m not going to lie though, it emanated as a result of judging someone else (…just like a woman, I am!) and I’ve held up the mirror to myself and felt that pit in my stomach indicating one thing: conviction.


I will start with this word: accountability. That is how this entire thought process started, I wanted to hold someone else accountable to their actions as a believer. Then I realized that they were a believer and were perfectly capable of seeing their sin on their own. In fact, they relish in it, and search the world for answers. Empty, meaningless answers. One after another and it leaves this certain someone grasping for anything, except Grace, the only thing that any of us can hope for.

Now in my own walk I have been trying to study holiness. I want to live a righteous life, and thanks to my flesh, the unworthiness is too much to bear. God never makes me feel like this, He is so good. He beckons me to come into his courts and talk with him and I get there and I feel so undeserving. It’s all on me, not Him and we both know that. A lot of this unworthiness stems from how I behave as a parent. I can play church really well, but when the going gets tough, I become angry. But I have a lot on my plate. I’m busy. I’ve never been around little kids, all day, every day until this season in my life began. I have to work really hard at my marriage because everything in me aches for a father to affirm me, and wants my husband to fill a void that I can’t seem to stuff close with a couple of scriptures calling God my father. I am trying to be transparent here because the excuses pile one upon the other. THIS ISN’T FAIR, I want to scream. I’m expected to behave, live, and serve in a manner that is contrary to what I know, and who I am. And when I do, I feel like I’m two steps behind where I need to be, and when I don’t, I am frantically searching for my Jesus to come alongside me again, there is nothing in me that craves the world. But it is easier to be depressed and hope someone notices me. It is easier to sit on the couch and not care for my home. It is easier to spend $20 on something that I don’t need because spending money makes me feel better.

But, it’s not an excuse. God doesn’t care about excuses. Let me say that more tactfully: God expects us to be accountable Christians. He expects us to hold ourselves accountable to our sin, because guess what, He does! I racked my brain trying to think of parable that Jesus told that portrayed someone being accountable for their actions. I could not find one that put it just right. But God reminded me of Heaven, and the verse that says we will be held accountable for everything we’ve ever said, everything we’ve ever done. It doesn’t matter if in the moment we were influenced by others, or having a bad day. We will be held accountable for that moment of weakness. I am not doing God any favors by not accessing the grace He has FREELY given to me to walk through whatever I am going through. We, as a body of believers, are not doing God any favors by defending the sin in our lives.

Heaven is not the only example. Adam and Eve were not willing to hold themselves accountable in the garden. When Adam was questioned, he blamed God and Eve! He said, “it was this woman that you gave me, she gave it to me.” When Eve was questioned, she blamed Satan: “but the serpent deceived me.” God didn’t pat them on the back and say, “it’s all going to be ok.” He hates sin because it separates Him from His beloved children. God still kicked them out of the garden. Come on, don’t you just want to speak up for Eve: “That’s not fair, Satan tricked me!” But it isn’t an excuse. I think “excuse” is an ugly word in our faith.

An easy search of “excuse” turned up this:

Rom 1:18-21

“For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, because what may be known of God is manifest in them, for God has shown it to them. For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened.”

NKJV

Paul wrote it, and he was actually quoting Jesus when he said this:

John 15:22-23

“If I had not come and spoken to them, they would have no sin, but now they have no excuse for their sin. NKJV

I had this message on my heart because I clearly heard the Lord tell me that we need to be a body accountable to ourselves, and if we have the Holy Spirit in us, we know the difference between right and wrong. I say this as someone who has begged my husband to let me try out anti-depressants, if only for a season. I am someone who complains of my calling, regrets missed opportunities, and sits in ill-health at times refusing to take the spiritual steps necessary to change it. I have lived in disobedience, and fear almost kept me there! But what if I had let it? I am nothing without God’s grace. Nothing. And nothing I have is mine. I just wanted to add that because the first step in holding oneself accountable is surrender. Surrender to God, to His word, and to His will. Only then can we know what He asks of us. But no excuses, we have everything we need to move from “glory to glory,” and nothing should hold us back, especially pride as to not admit when we are in the wrong.

If you walk into a College Psychology class, you will hear that “nurture triumphs over nature,” that who you are is indicative of how you were raised, and your environment. But there is no room for grace in this portrayal. We are who we are because of the decisions we make, whether they build us up or tear us down. It has been a LONG, hard road for me to admit this. I used to hate when people would say to me, “you chose to have a baby when you chose to have sex.” What a load of crap, I used to think! Until my own husband said it to me, he above all people should understand that statistically everything was against me! It’s not fair. But it’s the truth. I made a bad decision, and I suffered the consequences (like a million of them!). And God used it for good. We all go through seasons where we are tested, where the enemy is upon us, and where we just cannot seem to get ahead, but God is there. His Truth stands. His Grace is sufficient.

                                      May we be a people that hold ourselves accountable.

metaphorically speaking, again.

I think that if I try really hard, I can write a succinct blog. This is me trying hard:

     I shoved Paul’s arm today when he predicted that Sonora Grace will marry a man that is afraid of her. He said this because we are afraid of her and that temper she’s acquired. It is unlike anything I have ever seen, and yet, we still do not want to speak this rage over her. Sometimes you can’t do anything but call it like you see it. I am tired of nursing her. She is getting to be a clever little one! Today she went to the baby gate that blocks the staircase that leads to our room. She shook the gate violently saying “night night.” It was close to nap time and so I obliged, especially since we had quite the long day prior, and I was a walking zombie. So I took her upstairs and nursed her and then lay her in the crib. She stood straight up and indicated that she wanted to go downstairs. She tricked me into nursing her. But I’m no fool, even if I am the victim of one-year-old manipulation. I made her take a nap…a measly, one hour nap.

     Then there is Jake. I was sleeping on the couch today trying to rest away this cold trying to set in and Jake walked up to me and began to open my eyelids with his sticky fingers. “You can wake up, Mommy.” Toddlers, they just can’t understand why anyone in their right mind would want to sleep. Poke Mommy’s eyeballs out, that will set her straight! It did set me straight up and I glared at him. “But Mommy, don’t you want to play trucks with me?” Sweet innocence or ignorance, I just can’t decide. If you know me, you know better than to wake me up with pokes (especially in my eyes!). In fact, if you ask my husband, he’d say that you’d know better than to wake me up at all. But someone has to do it! Actually, I disagree with that statement.

     I wonder how anyone puts a house together. I am not even 50% finished with my vision of where I am going with this new place. In fact, I’ve made some classy moves and feel like I’m seconds away from ripping it down, painting it over, and giving myself a blue kitchen. It was Paul’s idea, and it is growing on me. I love light blue, and yellow, and red. I know those things don’t go together.

     God’s upside down economy is just amazing. All I can say is on paper we look like a chicken trying to gather her eggs into one basket, scrounging for seed in a barren chicken coop, and knee high in you-know-what. But if you were to actually see us, in chicken terms, we are totally strutting about in that you-know-what. God has provided everything we need, particularly through the blessings poured out by our church family. Oh Chapel in the Pines, we love you!