Maybe I should have two blogs: one for family talk, and one for all of my religion rantings. Those interested in the former could possibly avoid the latter if I had such commitment. But I don’t. But I have been kind of learning something lately concerning my faith and I wanted to share. I think it is a message for the church, and truthfully, it convicts me to a point of humility in my own walk. I’m not going to lie though, it emanated as a result of judging someone else (…just like a woman, I am!) and I’ve held up the mirror to myself and felt that pit in my stomach indicating one thing: conviction.
I will start with this word: accountability. That is how this entire thought process started, I wanted to hold someone else accountable to their actions as a believer. Then I realized that they were a believer and were perfectly capable of seeing their sin on their own. In fact, they relish in it, and search the world for answers. Empty, meaningless answers. One after another and it leaves this certain someone grasping for anything, except Grace, the only thing that any of us can hope for.
Now in my own walk I have been trying to study holiness. I want to live a righteous life, and thanks to my flesh, the unworthiness is too much to bear. God never makes me feel like this, He is so good. He beckons me to come into his courts and talk with him and I get there and I feel so undeserving. It’s all on me, not Him and we both know that. A lot of this unworthiness stems from how I behave as a parent. I can play church really well, but when the going gets tough, I become angry. But I have a lot on my plate. I’m busy. I’ve never been around little kids, all day, every day until this season in my life began. I have to work really hard at my marriage because everything in me aches for a father to affirm me, and wants my husband to fill a void that I can’t seem to stuff close with a couple of scriptures calling God my father. I am trying to be transparent here because the excuses pile one upon the other. THIS ISN’T FAIR, I want to scream. I’m expected to behave, live, and serve in a manner that is contrary to what I know, and who I am. And when I do, I feel like I’m two steps behind where I need to be, and when I don’t, I am frantically searching for my Jesus to come alongside me again, there is nothing in me that craves the world. But it is easier to be depressed and hope someone notices me. It is easier to sit on the couch and not care for my home. It is easier to spend $20 on something that I don’t need because spending money makes me feel better.
But, it’s not an excuse. God doesn’t care about excuses. Let me say that more tactfully: God expects us to be accountable Christians. He expects us to hold ourselves accountable to our sin, because guess what, He does! I racked my brain trying to think of parable that Jesus told that portrayed someone being accountable for their actions. I could not find one that put it just right. But God reminded me of Heaven, and the verse that says we will be held accountable for everything we’ve ever said, everything we’ve ever done. It doesn’t matter if in the moment we were influenced by others, or having a bad day. We will be held accountable for that moment of weakness. I am not doing God any favors by not accessing the grace He has FREELY given to me to walk through whatever I am going through. We, as a body of believers, are not doing God any favors by defending the sin in our lives.
Heaven is not the only example. Adam and Eve were not willing to hold themselves accountable in the garden. When Adam was questioned, he blamed God and Eve! He said, “it was this woman that you gave me, she gave it to me.” When Eve was questioned, she blamed Satan: “but the serpent deceived me.” God didn’t pat them on the back and say, “it’s all going to be ok.” He hates sin because it separates Him from His beloved children. God still kicked them out of the garden. Come on, don’t you just want to speak up for Eve: “That’s not fair, Satan tricked me!” But it isn’t an excuse. I think “excuse” is an ugly word in our faith.
An easy search of “excuse” turned up this:
Rom 1:18-21
“For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, because what may be known of God is manifest in them, for God has shown it to them. For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened.”
NKJV
Paul wrote it, and he was actually quoting Jesus when he said this:
John 15:22-23
“If I had not come and spoken to them, they would have no sin, but now they have no excuse for their sin. NKJV
I had this message on my heart because I clearly heard the Lord tell me that we need to be a body accountable to ourselves, and if we have the Holy Spirit in us, we know the difference between right and wrong. I say this as someone who has begged my husband to let me try out anti-depressants, if only for a season. I am someone who complains of my calling, regrets missed opportunities, and sits in ill-health at times refusing to take the spiritual steps necessary to change it. I have lived in disobedience, and fear almost kept me there! But what if I had let it? I am nothing without God’s grace. Nothing. And nothing I have is mine. I just wanted to add that because the first step in holding oneself accountable is surrender. Surrender to God, to His word, and to His will. Only then can we know what He asks of us. But no excuses, we have everything we need to move from “glory to glory,” and nothing should hold us back, especially pride as to not admit when we are in the wrong.
If you walk into a College Psychology class, you will hear that “nurture triumphs over nature,” that who you are is indicative of how you were raised, and your environment. But there is no room for grace in this portrayal. We are who we are because of the decisions we make, whether they build us up or tear us down. It has been a LONG, hard road for me to admit this. I used to hate when people would say to me, “you chose to have a baby when you chose to have sex.” What a load of crap, I used to think! Until my own husband said it to me, he above all people should understand that statistically everything was against me! It’s not fair. But it’s the truth. I made a bad decision, and I suffered the consequences (like a million of them!). And God used it for good. We all go through seasons where we are tested, where the enemy is upon us, and where we just cannot seem to get ahead, but God is there. His Truth stands. His Grace is sufficient.
May we be a people that hold ourselves accountable.
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