Snow Babies

Two days ago Paul decided to take us all out to the snow. He thought the kids would enjoy it. So did I and yet I was still not so enthusiastic because, well, snow is cold. Some elementary science for you there. But we went as a family and watching my kids gallivanting in the snow brought me so much joy. I was glad that we went. It was 50 degrees out with a foot of snow at least and we bundled them up and set them loose. And yet, Sonora Grace was not happy. 
She did not understand why we wanted her to play in this cold, white stuff. I tried to lift her into the snow, and she brushed me away. That’s just her and I don’t judge her because in many ways she is like me. She does not enjoy trying new things. It takes her awhile to warm up to the slide at the playground. She doesn’t want to try what I made for dinner until I shove a bite in her mouth. Only then is she hungry. She is careful. And patient. Always waiting for a situation to unfold before she jumps in. She is discerning and intentional and I love to see it all play out at such a young age. When she stepped into the snow, the first thing she wanted to do was tap her foot in it. All the while grasping to Daddy’s hand. Then she reached down to feel the snow and hold it in her hands. Daddy picked some up to hand it to her and she waved him away. I can do it. I love that about her.

Jake jumped into the snow head first. Not literally or anything, but his heart was in it from the minute we got there. He is older and he knows what snow is. But Jake tackles life like this in general. He doesn’t stop to think about snow getting into his boots. He doesn’t care if his hat falls off, or if his shoes are on the wrong feet. He just goes. He keeps us in sight but for the most part will wander off from where we are. He doesn’t just tread through the snow, he dances in it. He can’t help but to smile. Even when I wasn’t taking pictures he was shouting, “Cheese Mommy!,” and I’d fumble to turn the camera back on to capture his pose. I don’t want to miss anything with him because I know the minute we tell him to spread his wings, he will be gone. That’s just how he is.

 
So many times Paul and I will look at one another and wonder where our kids got some of their traits, especially the inconvenient ones that neither of us wish to claim for ourselves. But they are present and they are hardly moldable so we just try to make do. Our children are delightfully unique. They are precious and I think that every time I slow down and really notice them.

Tonight I was telling the Lord how much I want another baby. Sometimes it’s hard to be at the Pregnancy Center explaining that there really is no such thing as an “Unplanned Pregnancy” because God plans it all along. Believing that with all of my heart, I let myself get down when I swallow the cold, hard truth that He’s not planning mine. And that’s ok, trust me, I am at peace with it. The Lord has reassured my heart and urged me to put faith in His timing. I am a busy Mom right now, and extremely busy in ministry. Why do I even want another baby? I had to ask myself that question as I poured myself out to God. And the truth is because I am hungry for a miracle. I love pregnancy. It is incredible. When I am pregnant I know without a doubt that God’s hand is on me. And He’s with me this second, I know that. But I spend so much time now seeing ultrasounds, watching girls go from 9 weeks to 9 months, and then gazing into the eyes of an end product, a tiny human being, whom just like my kids, is completely unique and has been since the moment a sperm and an egg converged. I realize I am a reproductive nerd but it seriously blows my mind to consider the creativity of God.

(I blame baby fever on this little bundle of joy: my new niece Sydney!)

And I love the provision of God. I was telling one of the lady’s I work with about my testimony. She has had three abortions and now works with women to heal the effects of their abortion related trauma. And trust me, they exists by the bucket loads. I was telling her how I come from the Pro-choice side of the movement and really I switched gears when I got pregnant and called Planned Parenthood and knew I just couldn’t go through with it. Something changed in my heart. Not to mention Planned Parenthood was in Raleigh and I was in Greensboro and there was NO way I was driving to an unfamiliar town (so maybe I should thank my parents for not socializing me on the roads..). I was telling her all this and she said, “Well, sometimes God just protects and covers a situation.” It just made me so grateful. I thought about that comment all day. I thought about it this evening as Jake and I cuddled on the couch watching Despicable Me and he was so warm and soft and his face was all boyish and curious. I just can’t get enough of him. And I wonder, why me? Why Jake? It totally puts God’s grace in perspective for me. People have told me, “Good for you that you kept your baby!” But really, I see now that it wasn’t me. I am capable of horrendous things. I am so human that it makes me sick. But God’s grace is enough. He’s the reason that I am here with my soon to be 4 year old boy, and my little girl- both wonderfully made and matchless. Today Jake was praying and he said something that I thought was profound, aside from “Jesus, thank you for God…” (I wonder how Jesus receives such a compliment, or God, or…however that works…), but he said “thank you Jesus for ‘let the children come to me, Jesus said’” and I thought about how much I am thankful for that too.