The last couple of days...

     The last week or so has been a trying one. If you’ve seen my posts on facebook, you’ve know that for some unknown reason my health has been out of whack. One night I woke up with a low grade fever. Must be ovulating, I thought. But five days later I was still ovulating, apparently and I was running a fever of 100.5. Not typical of ovulation I must say. Then came headaches, and cold sweats, and a rapid beating heart. It was scary. I finally consented to going to see a doctor (not my favorite thing to do) where they ran some blood panels and basically came to the conclusion that nothing is wrong with me, except this ever constant fever that really doesn’t seem to break 101.5 and causes minor discomfort. Then came the fatigue, probably catching up to me from the fever. The day I went to speak to the high school I was praying for grace the whole time, and resting in between speaking. I was recently asked to move into options counseling at the FPC, but I had to miss my first day of training because I just couldn’t think of a day that I had gotten to rest. I can't help but to notice the sneaky timing that this health mess has fallen into the middle of.  Like the greatest ministry opportunities I've ever had....geesh, it's like the enemy planned this.  I can't shake this thing, whatever it is!

If you read my blog you know that we have been trying to cross over into a scheduled life. The first day went great, the fever hit the second day and we were totally off target. My schedule had about two hours of prayer a day for me, and I was excited at the pursuit. Now I am grateful if I can read the Bible for five minutes without dozing off. BUT, it’s funny how when one is in crisis the Bible becomes a lifeline, not just a rule of thumb, or routine. I’ve needed the Word of God, and even with it in my hands I find myself succumbing to fear of the unknown.

I was reading about Moses the other day. The Lord often uses these chapters in the Bible to speak to me, and I’m not proud of that. Mostly I read about the Israelites and think about how annoying they sound! I mean, God has never forsaken them. Once He comes to their rescue, He parts the Red Sea, and rains down food from heaven, and water comes from rocks. And every time He comes through they celebrate and soon after, they forget. I do not want to be that person. As I read this passage I thought about all of God’s miracles that He did on their behalf. Later I opened the Bible to a random Psalm and read,

“Come and see what our God has done, what awesome miracles he performs for people! He made a dry path through the Red Sea and his people went across on foot.” Psalm 66:5

I started thinking about all of the miracles I’ve seen in my own life. Hundreds, probably thousands if you include all of the circumstances God has rescued us from that we didn’t even see coming! God has never forsaken us, He has never left us in the ashes to pick our own selves up.
       I started realizing once more in my life, I am an Israelite! I’m that person. Despite the fact that He’s spared me so many times, and the lives of my kids, and my husband, I’m still waiting for Him to give up on me. But it’s not going to happen.

“O God, you are my God; I earnestly search for you. My soul thirsts for you; my whole body longs for you in this parched and weary land where there is no water….I cling to you, your strong right hand holds me securely.” Psalm 63:1,8

I hate sitting in all of this fear. It is totally crippling, it’s like I forget how to pray from a place of victory because I feel so defeated. Not knowing answers breeds anxiety in my heart.

“…I cry to you for help when my heart is overwhelmed. Lead me to the towering rock of safety, for you are my towering rock of safety, for you are my safe refuge.” Psalm 61:2-3

I am tired. Sometimes Paul asks me, “How do you feel right now?,” and I don’t know how to answer because I’ve been sleeping for days at this point! I get discouraged when I go a couple hours with no fever and just before I report a healing I realize I’m heating up again.

“I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from Him…He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will never be shaken…Let all that I am wait quietly before the Lord, for my hope is in Him.” Psalm 62:1,5

So, at this point I can report no fevers through the night (that I know of, usually they keep me up but I slept soundly last night). Paul has skipped his Bible study and Revive to be at home with me and the kids so I can get rest. Today he had to go to the men’s Bible study meeting and for the first time in days I am trying two hours by myself with the kids. I would love to be in bed, but I can’t say that I am miserable. In fact, I’m going to go enjoy some time with them. I just wanted to share my latest journey, the good, the bad, and the ugly! I know I’ve been in sin as I dabble in all of my doubt. I don’t want to be in that place. God has been with me all along, and I know He’s not going to leave me. I am praying for healing. I am waiting (not so patiently), but I am trying. And I am constantly reminding myself of the powerful God that I serve. At the forefront of my mind today will be testimony after testimony of all the times that He has more than come through- I can hardly count them all.