Reflection of 2011, Outlook of 2012

Reflection of 2011

     Last year, this day at 11:55 I sat at my kitchen table, exhausted, wondering why on earth I wanted to be awake in observance of the new year. I am hopelessly in love with tradition. I wanted my next year to be an offering to the Lord, and yet, the entire day had not consisted of me sitting at His feet. Not even once. And as I lay my head on the kitchen table I cried out to Him, hoping He’d answer me despite my lack of devotion in that day. But I knew He needed to give me a word for the new year. Just so you know, my method of word receiving is not typically opening the Bible at random and letting my face fall in the crease, then looking down my nose to see what the Lord wants to impart. Not usually. But this night, I was tired, and I asked the Lord to bless my effort. And as I fell I let my eyes close, and then I forced them to open. And when I focused I saw Psalm 127:3:

“Children are a gift from the Lord;

they are a reward from him.

Children born to a young man

are like arrows in a warrior's hands.

How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them!

He will not be put to shame when he confronts his accusers at the city gates.”

     It has reigned supremely true in this year. I walked into it headstrong against the world and my well-meaning conscious. If I was going to believe it, I was going to stop being a pill to my kids. I was going to stop acting like they were burdens on me. I was going to stop preventing the pursuit of more children. That’s right, on top of deciding that my kids were going to be my top priority, I also decided that if God considered them to be blessings, I wasn’t in any place to pick and choose what He had for me. More blessings, please. On top of this, I began to volunteer at the Pregnancy Center, a pro-life organization that educates and empowers women to make wise, well-informed decisions about their bodies, particularly when they are harboring a life. I LOVE that place. That has come to be my life’s calling, shepherding these girls into a place of worth, and calling them to a level of excellence in their mothering. It’s my heart’s desire for the Lord to use me there. Not only that, but I started a purity group at our church for some of the teenagers. It has since fallen through due to busy schedules. Out of that came a position at the Pregnancy Center as an “abstinence advocate,” where I get to promote sexual integrity to the unwed, also requiring me to be quite the expert in Natural Family Planning. It’s amazing how the Lord has woven this all together. The first week of the new year I have my first assignment at Summerville High. Alongside another lady (with far more experience than I), we will get to minister to three different freshman classes about the glorious benefits of marital sex! I am very excited about this. Two weeks later is the Walk For Life in San Francisco and I keep looking ahead, seeing myself in that place, proud of the place that I stand and what I stand for.

     I assumed a lot of things about this last year. For starters, I thought that if the Lord was going to teach me about children being a blessing, that I would immediately have another child. I thought He'd make me prove it.  And that scared me. And He knew that and I love that about Him. Instead, I had time to focus on my current children. I focused on the unborn and spreading the message that resonated in my heart. And I allowed myself, as His child, swell with pride and be overwhelmed by His love for me. If His plan values children, how much more does He value me as His child? The revelation of this has been a journey, some turns exciting, some twists confusing, and there is an entire blog devoted to just this. But I haven’t been ready to share. The time is soon.

 Outlook
     This year, I am pretty much in the same spot as last year. Here we are, several hours from the new year and I haven’t asked the Lord what on earth He is up to in my life for the new year! Paul and I plan on giving each other words tonight after the kids go to sleep, very excited about that! But my resolution is a tad selfish and yet is going to cost me all of my self. It’s selfish, because I don’t care what it takes, this is going to happen. And yet, I dread it because I fear my own failure. But I am tired of living in chaos. My house is clean. Sweet country cabin. But behind cabinets, in closets, underneath couches, underneath beds lurk outrageous messes. I am tired of not knowing where things are. I’m tired of not putting laundry away. I’m tired of not having peace in my home. And sometimes, us moms get overwhelmed. I’ve confirmed with moms more than enough to know that I’m not alone in this. But it doesn’t excuse me from my sloppiness. From my slothness. And I am determined to live by a schedule. Not a demanding, rigid one. But an outline, something to give me structure to my day because for now I envision us as a bunch of spaghetti noodles being flung about. Not sure why that is my vision, but it is. And the truth is, I don’t know what I am doing. So please hold me accountable to this guy here:

     The funniest thing happened when I wrote out my schedule. I actually was running out of things to do in my time blocks. 3 hours of combined playtime with the kids. 2 hours of prayer. 1 hr 45 minutes cleaning time. Plenty of Mommy free time. And still time to spare! Where do my days go? That’s what I’m on a mission to figure out. And since I usually get bored playing with my kids when I’m determined to sit with them for ½ an hour, I’ve made a list of activities to do with them. Since I always seem to get to 11:30 and have no idea what to feed them, I made a list of simple lunches. Same with snacks. I’m tired of foggy Mommy brain, and if I can’t figure out how to think straight, hopefully my lists will help. I’m also taking discipline seriously. I’ve read about 12 books on discipline this last year. I always say that the most important goal in my life is that my children grow up being taught by the Lord, with peace in their hearts (Isaiah 54:13). That is all I care about. And I feel like my attempts have given God little to work with and I am sorry for that. So this year, I am just going to put forth a little more effort than usual. I’m going in with a plan.

So 2012, here we come, full force. And when the Lord gives me a word, I’ll definitely share. His idea of my year is probably way better than mine but here is my start! I am very excited….and praying for a blessing for myself, maybe a baby, or two (…as long as He’d spare my husband a heart attack!). May God bless your year!