Sometimes when I get to my computer and sit down to blog the only topics that come to mind are areas in which I’ve experienced defeat. Especially parenting (Hmm, where did I put that instruction manual?). And I’ve felt guilty lately because with sick children, and wild children, and a working husband, this tired pregnant mommy’s prayer “schedule” has been slipping. What is a prayer schedule anyway? I’ve been trying to figure all of this out because when I’m not getting up in the morning praying and reading my Bible I feel guilty. But the truth is, I’m not not spending time with God, I pray throughout the day. I quote scripture to myself so I don’t freak out. I ask my kids, “Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is????” and we talk about those kinds of things. But the Lord reminded me the other day that it’s still important that I sit with Him because that’s how I learn about my gifts and grow in them. And He reminded me all these things He has shown me and taught me, the same kinds of things that get brushed under the rug when I don’t have time. For that I am sorry because I have been truly blessed.
I’ve had this blog on my mind for a while because the Kony 2012 video has been floating around and I have not watched it. And here is why:
When I was about 8 years old I accidentally saw a scene from America’s Most Wanted, it was a replay of a child being murdered. And I was never the same after that point. For one, I experienced my first “panic attack.” I am not sure if I would lose my breath first and then sob, or sob so incessantly that I could not breathe. But it is a scary place to be. No one really understood what was going on, least of all me. Then it happened again, several weeks later when 7th Heaven did a special on the Holocaust (anyone else remember Simon’s presentation?) and it happened again. I cried so hard and so much that my chest burned like fire. I gasped for air and found no relief. I was absolutely crippled by the experience and as it happened more frequently, the anxiety became a hovering fear in my life. The only way out was counseling and medication of which I became increasingly dependent on to shield me from that type of pain. When I reached adulthood I got to a point where I could take my medicine “as needed.” As I began to fall away from God, I actually found that anxiety decreased. I rarely took my medicine and when I had Jacob, I altogether gave it up for fear of harm to him through pregnancy and then breastfeeding. Yet once I turned back to the Lord and ultimately moved into a house on my own, I found some of those same “demons” creeping up in my life again.
I started at Pfeiffer University in the Fall of 2008 and our psychology class announced that we would be watching the Invisible Children documentary. I knew that I was sensitive to this kind of material but thought that maybe my age would conquer all. Not so. I watched the first 20 minutes of the documentary and packed my bags and headed to the bathroom. And there I was, 21 years old collapsed on the floor of a stall unable to breathe. I sobbed so hard that my body shook and I didn’t know where I was, or how I got there, or what was going on. All I knew is that I just wanted to die. And for what? Because children were suffering and I could do nothing? Because of the injustice? Because my heart could not handle that sort of pain and suffering? I do not even know how long I lay on the floor, but I managed to pick up my stuff and run to my car. I called Paul as soon as closed the door and hung up when I couldn’t speak. I lay my seat down flat and cried out to God, “Why don’t you do something?” I tried to catch my breath, to calm my heart, to steady my shaky body but there was no stopping it. I do not even remember slowing down to drive home, but some how I made it out of that place of misery and drove. And it wasn’t long before I encountered number two.
The anniversary of the Virginia Tech shooting flooded my TV and yet, I did not want to remember. What could I do? But I found myself sitting in class thinking about such a thing, discussing the horror of it all and the evil nature of the world we live in. And I looked around at my classroom and had a vision of what happened, and these were all my friends, and I thought of my son, and I thought of the fear that must have gone through these student’s minds. And off I was to the bathroom, sitting in the corner wondering how I was going to go through life like this. And I cried, I cried so hard once more that I couldn’t move. My husband was at work so I called my Mom once I caught my breath. She calmed me down and I made my way to a trusted teacher who advised me to get back on my medicine, and do it quick. But Paul couldn’t see how that would be the answer, and little did I know about bondage. I never went back on my medicine especially after deliverance, although I still have experiences like this in the bathroom, NOT often. But it’s happened once or twice since that time. I’ve learned through reading and spending time with others like myself that this is actually a spiritual gift. That often times the heaviness on my heart is mercy and the compulsion to release the burden is intercession.
Discovering intercession set me free. I have found that a good definition of mercy is to feel the heart of God (in most situations) meaning that things that God abhors will usually send me into a tailspin if I can’t figure out what to do with those emotions. For one, division especially sets me off. I have found myself depressed for days, even lashing out at my family when there is division in or around me. The trick is finding a solution in prayer. Seeing children in pain will crush me to a point of uselessness. There is such a cry in me to go to the nations and love on children and I wonder how, how on earth will I ever do something like that? Some of it is the enemy distorting my gifts, I regret all of the times in my life that I didn’t understand what was happening. And yet some of it really comes down to the way God made me. I wanted to share a bit of my journey of discovering the dance of mercy and intercession. It’s a road that I’m still working my way down, and there are plenty of times that I sit in the place of pain and do not give it back to God or agree for restoration. So I have not watched the Kony 2012 video yet because I know myself and I am just not ready. Here are things that I’ve resolved to do that help me cope with these gifts. I remember telling Alva that I walked in mercy and she said, “me too, sweetheart, what a burden.” It can be, it absolutely can cripple me. But I know that out of that place in my heart comes powerful prayers. These are some things that help me cope:
1) No more “edge of your seat” movies. I can not take them, and I especially cannot stand movies where people are hurting. Paul doesn’t understand why I can never watch Reign Over Me again, nor any other September 11th movie. There is no other way for me to say it except that I cannot subject myself to even fantasy depictions like such because I just can’t separate it out in my heart.
2) I look for the root of whatever I’m feeling. Like disturbance in peace (division!), or someone’s emotional pain, or worrying about a friend’s health. That way I can go to God and figure out why I am feeling disruption in my spirit over these things specifically.
3) I pray. I have to give it to God or it will all be over for me! And I’m not so great at this yet, I am a newbie J That is why I’m avoiding the documentary, I know it will stir things in my heart that I do not want to feel, but that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t. It just means that I have to spiritually prepare myself for something so real, and painful when I have the luxury of preparation.
4) Get mentors. I have to have wise women and men in my life to help shepherd me in these feelings. I know in one instance I became very fixated on a broken person to the point where I was trying to reason in my mind how I could fix their life. The feeling in my heart was so strong that I questioned how I could take care of their heart and still take care of my family. But it wasn’t my heart to care for them and love them, it was God’s heart for them. The compassion that I felt was so overwhelming, but every step of the way I stayed transparent with a close friend who helped me work through the maze of emotions I was feeling and how to turn them over to God in prayer.
5) Just because I feel God’s emotions does not make it appropriate to express them. For example, abortion hurts me to the core. When I meditate on such an atrocity, it makes me angry for one. But when I really take it to the Lord, I find that we mostly just weep together. And that is ok, but when I take those emotions into a debate about abortion with pro-choicers, I do not behave myself, and there is no rein on my emotions. Reins are important to have as a believer. God wants me to respond in truth and grace, and in His timing, and by His leading.
6) I also learned through reading The Happy Intercessor by Beni Johnson (highly recommend for you intercessors out there) that there is a type of intercessory prayer called travailing. It is literally when you pray so hard that you go into a state of painful, tearful oblivion. I honestly have come to a place where I believe that is what I experienced as a child and labeled “panic attacks.” The only difference is, the enemy held the reins and caused it to be a very painful experience. I know the couple of times I have felt this as a believer and aware of the Lord’s hand in it, it has been comforting to feel the Holy Spirit travailing with me. I didn’t feel powerless and overwhelmed, to simply state it.
I wanted to share some of my journey because on one hand I wish I would have known all of this about myself earlier. On the other hand, how blessed I am that I understand my gifts at such a young age. God has given me so much grace and I know He has more for me when it comes to walking in intercession and mercy. So I definitely recommend taking a spiritual gifts test for any of you believers out there, there are several online. I know that when I took one last year the questions for intercession were like, “do you feel the need to pray for hours at a time?” And I would think to myself, not exactly.
But I do like to pray. I like to keep an open line. I honestly think that quite frankly, I stink at praying out loud with others. But when I am in a place of “intercessory prayer” I absolutely love agreeing with God and seeing what He is up to, and how and where He is desiring to bring His kingdom. I have found that though mercy can be a burden to me, with intercession to accompany it is an exciting, whirlwind of an experience of which I have been grateful for.
In The Happy Intercessor, Beni says that you can determine whether or not you are an intercessor not by how much you pray, but by how much you desire to know God’s heart, and be in His presence. And I have found that without these things, I am a useless lady. In fact, it’s funny to me the differences between Paul and I because he will began get stir crazy without listening to sermons and podcasts every day. Sometimes when he hears a good one and wants me to listen, it can take me days and weeks to get around to it. Yes, he’s the knowledge, prophet guy around the house. But if I can’t take a deep breath and know God is with me right there, I have to find a corner or get under a blanket and ask for restoration. So anyway, if you don’t feel like you are walking in your gifts, there are ways to activate that, I’d be happy to share what I know. I would especially love to talk with any veterans ( I pull Jan Higgins and Alva Peters aside every chance I get…I sit at their feet, if you want to know). I, for one, have been blessed by the journey! I hope this helped somebody J
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