I knew the secret of parenting in this picture. It’s true, I knew everything it would take to be a good mom, and a good wife, and raise successful children in a broken world. I had all of the answers, somehow, until now actually. Now sometimes I feel as if I’m floating in a sea of parenting books. I own probably a million, and I read roughly 1-2 a month. Sometimes a week. I would do anything for Jake, including smush myself up against the wall of the toddler bed in order to cuddle with him, so pouring over parenting books instead of Francine Rivers is really nothing for me. But trust me, I don’t think this has anything to do with me being a good mother. In fact, the more I learn, the more my kids grow, the more I grow, the clearer it becomes to me that I really don’t know what I am doing. I think sometimes when I meet young pregnant girls not quite ready to have children, shouldn’t they have to fill out applications to have children or something? But I’m not a hypocrite. Shouldn’t I have had to do something to prove that I could do this parenting thing? I feel incredibly unworthy of my “gifts,” Jake and Sonora Grace.
I have all of this on my mind because parenting Jake has been difficult lately. And in my distress, I’m really not comforted by mothers whose 4 year olds are already reading, and taking pre-school exit exams, and speaking different languages, or all of the other things I’ve encountered. I’d like to think one of the things that I consistently do right with Jake is not to push him into things he isn’t ready for. We have never jumped on the toddler trend wagon, but I still question if what I am doing here is the right thing. I know that parents go through seasons that are more difficult than others, but I just can’t understand how Jake’s behavior changed so quickly because I used to call him “the easy one,” but now my tantrum throwing, “NO” screaming, two year old is the easy one. I have wondered if it’s simply because she has a cheeky smile and bouncy curls, but Jake has never tested me. And his grasp for independence lately has had me begin to question everything that I thought was true about parenting. Do you want to know what I thought? My plan was to give him a solid family identity, with consistent discipline when needed, and a foundation to build upon for his faith. That was my plan. Sounds good, right? Here lately it has felt like I’m not holding it all together like I should. Paul has been working like crazy, and when he’s not working, he’d really like to be relaxing. He spends time with the kids, don’t get me wrong, that is his favorite job of all. But it has been more difficult lately. So I’m doing either wake up shift, or bedtime shift by myself more than several times a week and the transition has been difficult for all of us I think.
I read a portion of a book recently that said that a child’s self concept is completely developed by the time he is 3 years old. That sentence really put me in my place: I’ve either blown it, or gotten something right. I honestly don’t know, I have been fearful lately. All I know is that I just can’t bear to lose his heart. I have to hold onto what I have with him, and that is simply us. I cannot say if pregnancy has somehow corrupted our happy mix, if only because I am more tired. Or that Daddy’s working more, while Mommy is potty training a two year old (I really can’t use that as an excuse, Sonora is potty training herself!), and Jake may kind of be the odd man out in this season. I am trying to hold this together the best I know how, but something has changed in that little guy’s face when I say, “please don’t do that,” and it’s anger. How can a 4 year old be angry? Is that a dumb question?
The last week has been better with Jake, although it is still not easy. I have literally been afraid to take him out in public by myself because if he doesn’t listen to me, the dangers are just endless! But I would say that the last five days have been really good. Here are some of the changes I have made:
1) No computer for me while kids are awake. None. Not even if they are occupied, doing something on their own.
2) I actually went to sleep before 10:00 last night. I am someone who requires a GREAT DEAL of sleep to function. Staying up until Daddy gets off a closing shift is something I do regularly (even if I am dozing on the couch when he walks through the door). I can’t say this is a habit or anything, but I felt pretty good today after getting a whole night’s worth of sleep (even though my instinct was to spell out “hole knight” instead of “whole night.” Yeah, I’m kind of tired).
3) Time, time, time with him. Jake’s love language is quality time. It’s been incredibly obvious since he was a young guy. And he doesn’t want you to invite him to do what you’re doing, he’d rather have you play trucks, tractors, and chase him pretending to be a deputy when he is the bad guy. I can’t say I enjoy these manly games, although Sonora is taking to them quite well, which worries me extensively! Not only that, but we’ve started officially home schooling. I kind of dabbled in it before because Jake really wasn’t showing interest, but here lately, he has just loved having one on one time with him. Several days ago we did a Bible study, and then some numbers, and pencil holding, and then afterwards he got to color. I stood up from the table and he said, “Mommy, where are you going?” (This was before my internet fast!). It touched me that he wasn’t quite done with me yet…even though I’d been there for 30 minutes with just him So I plopped right back down in the toddler chair, and we kept on working.
4) Staying busy. I am not sure if anyone else has a son like I do. I’ve heard boys are rambunctious and rightfully so, they are boys! Jake, on a scale from 1-10 is probably an 8. He wakes up with the sun on a regular basis. If you put him to bed at 7 or 11, he will be up at 6 am. And he goes all day long, playing as hard as he possibly can. This is why I am home schooling him, I can’t imagine him in a school setting. It’s been said to me that he should just learn to adapt, and it would be good for him to practice self control. The theory is right to me, but the application makes me laugh. Jake wants to be outside as much as possible. He is sometimes trying to escape by 7:30 in the morning….So yes, I am probably somewhat embittering him with my snide little, “no, mommy does not want to go outside, not everyone likes to be up at the crack of dawn, Jaaake!” But last week we stayed busy. I had a Mom tell me once that the secret to good parenting is to be happy at home. We live next to a busy road, in a 900 square foot cabin….I have been getting him out of the house as MUCH as possible. We went to the park twice one day (in the morning, and in the evening) because I just couldn’t take the craziness in my house. I think that has been helping. Park day is every day. Now that the pool is open, I will not bypass any opportunity to get him out of the house! It has been so good to see a smile on his face when he’s running across the park or splashing in a pool.
5) Food. Comparatively, I do little. But I am willing to do as much as I can. We have cut his sugar intake in half. I don’t really think it’s changed him, but I’m not going to pile on the sweets either! Ideally, I have wanted to take him off wheat, and dairy, and sugar and just see what happens. But Daddy things it’s a dumb idea, so I just have to trust him. We have really changed the way we eat in terms of oils, snacks, and meal time. My goal is to not put “empty” food in them basically, to have a reason for everything I give them. I am trying to move away from processed foods, but if someone gives me a loaf of bread with high fructose corn syrup in it, I don’t turn it down. I want to get better, I want to move towards a lifestyle where I am self sustaining, and making everything from scratch with whole foods. I’m not there yet. But we are on the road I think. I try to do live cultures with both the kids, fortunately for me, Jake LOVES ginger ale and I try to keep it in the house on a weekly basis. Like I said, I don’t see a huge difference in him when I change up foods….but we have never been radical. That’s what I mean to say. And it’s worth it to me to change things around slowly. To my knowledge, the only thing that slows Jake down is to stay as busy as possible.
6) Consistent discipline. I am all about discipline. Before I had kids I watched parenting shows for fun. I’m the girl who reads 17 parenting books a year, remember? But I have gotten slack.
Mommy: “Jake, you cannot hit Sissy in the face with your stuffed animal?”
Jake: “Mommy, Doggie was kissing sissy!”
Mommy: “Jake, I already told you to not throw around the curtain rod, you are going to get someone in the eye!”
Jake: “I didn’t mean to, that was an accident!”
Mommy: “Jake, that’s it, you’re getting out of the bathtub for dumping a bucket of water on the floor! I told you five times not to do that.”
Jake: “Mommy, no, I promise I won’t do that again!”
Mommy: “Jake, please turn the water off.”
Jake: “I’m doing something.”
Mommy: “I know, I said turn the water off though.”
Jake: “Why?”
Mommy: “Because I don’t want a mess, turn it off!”
Jake: “I’m not making a mess, I’m just running bath water for my doggie.”
Mommy: “Please turn it off.”
Jake: “I don’t want to turn it off, I’m almost done here.”
Mommy: “TURN IT OFF NOW!!”
Jake: “Why you gotta be ugly with me? I just washing my doggie.”
These are not hypothetical scenarios. It’s just the way I let things spiral out of control, and I don’t stop the first offense. And I listen to excuses like crazy. So I have been trying to get better at that. And believe it or not, even though I would consider myself to be a discipline guru, I am no good at it. But I cannot afford to be bad at it! And Daddy has a good point…Jake always seems to be better behaved around him. Daddy doesn’t buy excuses quite like me.
7) Consistent prayer. Do I pray for my kids? Definitely. Do I lay hands on them and intercede on their behalf on a regular basis. Not exactly. But here lately I have felt like it is my only option! It’s the most solid place to turn when I’m scared and not sure what to do next.
So I am trying. This is a desperate cry from a Momma who sincerely cares how her kids turn out. I was telling someone recently that my goal for Jake is that he gets through this life with peace in his heart, knowing that he is a good man. Is there anything more precious than peace? Aside from grace, that is. And I need it! I do want advice, I want to have a teachable spirit. I have felt so condemned right now (by myself!) that it has almost been harder to hear from parents my age, with kids Jake’s age, who I perceive to have gotten everything right. But if you want to tell me how you’ve been through a hard season and worked through it, I would love encouragement. If you’ve had “busy boys,” I’m ready for anything you are willing to share. Oh yes, willing is an understatement.
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