Girl Power

I have been out of commission for quite some time given my new season in life. I have three kiddos under four years old, and honestly, it doesn’t sound very complicated to me and yet it feels on the verge of impossible some days. I am starting to regret lackadaisical parenting that I am prone to resorting to due to both tiredness and/or laziness. Now that I am nearly three weeks postpartum I am no longer 30 extra pounds and immobile. I am up, and going, and trying to teach both Cori and Sonora how to get sufficient sleep. Teaching Sonora is reinforcing why I am working with Cori. To greatly devalue my efforts, I have to say, Cori is a wonderful baby and so far has made my job quite simple. I just wrapped her up and put her down awake and without a peep she went to sleepy land. Ahh, peace.

Not quite, actually. Because then there is Sonora. Let me take this time to thank God for the opportunity to continuously die to myself.

But believe it or not, I actually want to write about something other than my children. Though I love them so, my mundane efforts at keeping them alive and well disciplined are hardly worth passing on. So here we go,
The other day I was at Bethel and I sat beside the nerdiest guy I have ever seen. Microsoft Word is telling me that “nerdiest” is not a word, but I assure you this young gentlemen exists as an appropriate synonym. Shall I describe him? Star Wars shirt from the 80’s, thick rim glasses, corduroy pants, and some sort of sandal that really needed some socks underneath to compliment the rest of his outfit. I was really excited when worship got intense and he started dancing. Trust me, I am not picking on this guy. In fact, I found everything about him endearing and adorable. I like nerds- after all, I am married to the king of them! (I am not sure if Paul will find that flattering, so don’t mention it to him)
The  Bethel atmosphere is so heavy with the Holy Spirit I honestly cannot say if my ponderings were in conjunction with the Holy Spirit, or just my own mind doing what it does. In either case, I noticed the girl standing next to nerd guy. I am positive they did not know one another. She was blonde and beautiful. I know this is weird, but she was worshiping and I was thinking how simply graceful she was, both in form and appearance. Next to nerd guy, she seemed like a queen and he seemed like a pauper. In a second it occurred to me that these two were like portraits of their gender, both masculine and feminine. Like this girl was a picture of femininity, and this guy masculinity. I have been meditating lately on my birth, and the grace God has given me to be up at night with a newborn, and up during the day disciplining and re-disciplining my other children. This phrase has been floating around in my head: “the triumph of a women’s spirit.” If you don’t understand this concept, you have never had a natural birth. That was a joke! There are hundreds of situations where I have seen women overcome the gravest of circumstances and it amazes me that God put that strength in women in conjunction with what appears to be a meekness, and a simple, graceful appearance. I was thinking these things as I watched this guy and girl next to one another, how God had blessed her with a strong feminine spirit, and yet such a beautiful outward appearance. No wonder masculinity shrinks in its presence. Or tries to dominate it. I felt like in that moment of day dreaming the Lord held up a mirror to my face, and yet I could not see that same feminine spirit in myself. Despite all of my best efforts to have babies, raise them up, be a good wife, and remember to brush my teeth and powder my nose each day, femininity seems elusive. I looked at my dainty fingers, and unpainted toe nails and felt unworthy of that title “female.”

But it isn’t just me, is it? I thought about the feminist movement, about Rosie with her flexed guns trying to prove something to the world. Then the girl who looks perfect everywhere she goes, yet we never see the credit card debt that must come hand in hand. Since this theme has been on my mind, I have noticed all kinds of things. Like the girl at the fast food restaurant sitting next to us, she had purple and blue hair, fishnet stockings, and I think black must have been her favorite color. In my head I started thinking about how hard it is to just be a girl. How easy it is to just try everything you know to try. I have been there. Maybe skirts will make me more feminine? Maybe more makeup? Maybe if I start wearing less makeup? Though I certainly do not struggle with weight loss, I have greatly lamented my lack of a figure. I am certain that skinny jeans make me look too skinny and a size bigger makes me look like an idiot, and heels make me look too tall, flats make me look too short, and the truth is, I don’t know how to be a girl. To just be. I saw a portrait of femininity in a second, and I wanted it. God said I already had it, and I didn’t believe Him. What is the deal?
And I am starting to understand that being feminine has plenty to do with how I look, how I dress, how I talk with other girls, and all of the things my husband cares literally nothing about. But that being feminine has way more to do with the spirit that God put in me, to nurture, and love, and this unique gift of creating life, not just physical, but calling out life in others. I was sitting next to nerd guy disassembling all the weak components of his attire, and thinking what a nice husband he would make, thus reminding myself that I am already married. Maybe he could be with this girl next to him, I arranged to myself.

The idea was laughable. That HE could get HER! Then I remembered the picture I had of them, as masculine and feminine. It didn’t make sense to me, honestly. I have often fell prey to the idea that I am significantly less than my husband. Religion has endorsed this idea. Please don’t think that I am saying that women are better than men, just different. Just nicer to look at. Just overwhelmingly powerful in their giftings. The kinds of things that women bring to the table in this world are matchless in comparison to the most beautiful of landscapes, the most exquisite flower, softer than the sound of a trickling stream, and yet a strength that puts thunder to shame. I found myself wanting to be more confident. Wanting to go home and nurse my baby, rub my husband’s back while he changes the world one video game at a time, pray for a friend, and just relax on face book with a bowl of ice cream. Because from the angle that I sat at in worship, women clearly got the better end of the deal.

I am ok with being me. I wrote a blog about that change in my heart recently. For me, the struggle comes with being woman, being confident in my role as that. Not my role as dutiful housewife, I swear people think that’s what woman means in Greek. What I do at home is a small part of who I am, a short season in my life as woman. I am at work to see the bigger picture here, and I like what I see. I found myself wanting it and yet, God says I already have it. So do you (assuming you are a woman). So flex your guns like Rosie, dye your hair, go for a run, wear red lipstick, rejoice in the triumphant spirit of woman- and remember, everything you are looking for is already inside of you.

    Don't worry, I have plenty of edifying thoughts concerning masculinity, just not enough time in the day...