Around here, it can get pretty easy to feel sorry for yourself. Unfortunately, I am pretty sure that my last blog addressed this issue so excuse me while I break my gratitude fast. Paul had to open this morning and it will be his third week in a row missing church with the family. Today an employee called in sick, and he cannot get a hold of a manager. So he has no choice, though he got there at 4:00 am this morning, but to stay until the next shift arrives. Yes, I am very pregnant, and very tired, and very grateful that I went to church this morning for a boost of the Presence! Otherwise I might have a meltdown about right now.
Paul told me several weeks ago that Kris Valloton had “warned” the BSSM kids that being in this atmosphere was not going to just fill us up, but empty us out of the things that God could not use. I have seen this come to fruition the most. Paul has had several opportunities for prophetic booths and without sharing too much, a theme that is repeated often is Paul and I being spiritual parents to many children…well, Paul being an anointed Father, hopefully the Lord has some kind of plan for me to work alongside him! It’s encouraging, yes. At the same time, I can’t help but to feel like parenting is the ONE thing I continuously fail at. Day after day, time after time, I am convicted to the core of my being. I yell, I condemn, I chastise with cruel intent, and worst of all, I want to escape when I can’t handle it anymore.
Last week I took the kids to church by myself. I needed to get out. With my husband now gone 45-50 hours a week, I am always game for free childcare. So I go to church. Jake got to the door of his classroom and after having a great morning, stood in stone shoes and said, “I’m not going.”
“Why? You have to!” I fussed.
He whined, and swayed with his hands linked behind his back, “I really don’t want to go in there.”
“Get in there now!”
He began to whimper and cry, and the nursery worker encouraged me to just try again later. So I grabbed Jake by the arm and pulled him next to me so I could get Sonora to her class on time, “Sonora is such a big girl, and you are a baby, I guess! When we get home she is getting a big girl sucker, and you are going to sleep.”
I was frustrated, and at the end of my rope, and I wanted to sit in church by myself. Is that so much to ask? Of course, after ten minutes with cold hearted Mommy, Jake was ready to go to his class. The minute I encountered my loving Father during worship (which is pretty easy to do at Bethel), I couldn’t believe the way I had treated my son. God would never treat me like that, even in sin. It was His simple love that convicted me. Immediately I sought repentance and knew I couldn’t pay attention to the service before I had reconciliation. So I waddled my way back to the nursery and asked if I could speak with Jake, but he was playing really well and she didn’t want to disturb him. So she stepped out of the room for a minute and asked me how things were going, and proceeded to tell me how much she loved Jake and how she had a special place in her heart for him. Apparently he was the youngest boy in a class full of Pre-K kids, even those already in Kindergarten. Jake is 4, so he had been placed there, but clearly it was not ideal. She said that she is all about love and grace and giving Jake the space he needs to perform well, but that several times he has to go to the “not fun” chair for getting wound up when he is supposed to be sitting down with the others. On one hand, I thought, “maybe I should be pushing him into pre-school…even though my convictions are that he is not quite ready.” I didn’t know what to think, but I definitely didn’t realize that Jake had been struggling in his class. I was even more so distraught over the way I had treated him. Directly after church I ran to get him, took him in my arms and apologized.
(TODAY, his attitude was not much different from last week. We stood by the door and he said, “I don’t want to go in there.” So I said, “You don’t have to, Mommy will take care of it.” I asked if he could be moved to the 3 year old classroom. Some strings were pulled and he was relocated. He had a MUCH better day. He even asked me when we were going back to church, Praise God!)
Yesterday was another “one of those days…” The kids were wild, Paul had to work all day, and I was in charge once more. Sonora had not napped the day before, and then had a horrible night of sleep due to aching joints. She cried all morning. Everything brought tears to her eyes, which made me want to shake her in the air, “don’t you know I have laundry to do, and lunch to make, and a kitchen to clean, and sheets to change??” I didn’t have time for all of the chaos. Jake was being decent, and since we’ve been trying to wean out his naps I decided that he could have quiet time while Sissy napped. But Sonora noticed that Jake was not around for nap time and that did NOT make her happy. She wanted to be doing what he was doing, so she screamed and cried, called me “mean mommy,” and begged for her advocate, Daddy. It was a nightmare….20 minutes of screaming at me, crying, no matter how much I consoled her. She was overtired at this point. So I went into my room and retrieved Jake. I told him that he needed to do me a favor and lie in his bed and not go to sleep. So he laid in the bed because I made him, and he cried. I had told him that he didn’t have to take a nap, and then I had seemingly broken my word. So after 15 minutes of that injustice weighing on me, I told Jake to just go back in my room and watch his movie. Then I left Sonora in the room, screaming like a maniac. I retreated to the bathroom where I just laid on the cold floor and wept. Because I was so at the end of my rope. I wanted to go home. That is a common thought for me. Not to Sonora, but to North Carolina. Where I could wake up sick and call my Mom to take the kids. Wake up the next morning exhausted and call my Grandma to come over, bring me lunch, or dinner, or an extra roll of toilet paper because we're out and I can’t get to the store by myself, in my condition. I want to go home. I have peace that I’m not supposed to be there, after all, it’s almost always my fall back. It comes way before praying. Nevertheless, it’s seems like such an easy solution, despite how happy Paul is in school, and really, how grateful I am to be in Redding. That's why it's called "one of those days," right?
...So I continued to weep, while Sonora’s wails rang throughout the house. I felt like the Lord was telling me to release my expectations. And if I don’t have any expectations, then I have nothing to lament. So I went into the bedroom and lifted my sleepy, snotty toddler to my shoulder. I apologized to her, asked for forgiveness, and we made our way to my bedroom, where I sat in between my two precious, God given children and held them close. Sonora immediately closed her eyes and went to sleep, safe on Mommy’s chest. Jake held onto my hand and stroked Cori with his other. It was a precious moment, and I almost didn't have it because to me, nap time looked like two kids in their bed, sleeping.
I have a million of these stories. Howie fell in the shower several nights ago, and I found myself angry that the crash woke my kids up. Paul was closing at work, and I had just gotten them to bed. I was in my own bed with a blog started up, and worship music in the background. It was going to be a good night. When my door crept open, I knew I was going to spank someone. And I did, because it was bedtime and I DID NOT want them out of the bed. Never mind that a big crash from the back of the house had woken them up, and a fire truck that Eron had called because she was so scared that she couldn't get Howie up by herself. For the thousandeth time since I’ve been in Redding, I just took a deep breath. I put Jake in his bed, kissed his forehead and apologized for the big crash and explained that it was still bedtime. Sonora did not want me leaving the room so quick, so I picked her up and brought her into my room, onto my bed. She laid next to me and though awake, sat still while I continued to write my blog, and listen to my worship music. It was not a big deal. It was not what bedtime was supposed to look like. But it was actually a good feeling to not be alone in my bed.
And now, we are home from church, unsure if Daddy will be home before 5:00. The sink is full of dishes that quite honestly, I do not have the energy to wash, nor the heart to ask my husband who has worked a ten hour day. The kiddos and I had lunch, and I put a movie on for the first time today and Sonora fell asleep on my lap. So I sent Jake into his room for quiet time. This is not how my day typically looks. But I feel like the Lord is teaching me how to let go a little. Before this experience I would have told you that I was a flexible person. I have been known to describe myself as ‘laid back.’ My behavior with my kids, as of late, has been anything but. Sure, I do have a million excuses, starting with my husband being gone almost everyday between work and school, and ending with me being 9 months pregnant. But there is no excuse for not showing my kids the heart of my Father. There is grace, for some time, but I have been convicted enough. They are not a burden, and they are not the problem, despite how it may feel from time to time. In fact, they are my job right now and raising them is my divine privilege above all else. I am so tired of caring that they haven’t eaten a “nutritious” breakfast by my impossibly high standards. Or that they aren't getting enough sleep, or that they might possibly be watching more TV than I’d like or am used to. The most important thing I can do right now is nurture their hearts. My goal is to do my best, and right now, a scheduled life is not an attempt at “my best” as much as it is what I think another great mom’s best is. My best is whatever I can offer them without being overwhelmed, stressed, and cantankerous.
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| A cute little someone sleeping on the couch! |
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