This is really not the ideal time to write for me. The wind is whipping and howling just outside the window, and my kids are no competition for it. Rainy days are not easy for toddlers, I am well aware of that. But over time, I think I can complete this.
So my last blog entry received zero comments. Hmmm. I’m guessing my mood was transparent enough. The truth is, this season has been difficult for us financially and I hate myself for my lack of faith. This is nothing new for us, we’ve had seasons of struggling financially since we were married. We were married 4 years ago, and Paul has worked more than 4 jobs, three of which he has been laid off. Not fun. God has always provided for us, every single time. Sometimes it has been through asking a friend for help, or the church to turn our heat on, or the food pantry for extra produce. I hate being that person, but I think what that means is that I hate having other people doing things for me. And that honestly makes me a bad Christian, because as much as I hate depending on others sometimes for help, to that same extent I would rather not need God.
So to clarify, just in case I go mute or pass away, I really do not want the last post on my blog to be the last one I wrote. A moment of weakness, a great need in my spirit to just cry out and wonder what is going to happen to my family if we can’t pay our bills. But that is not going to happen because yet again, God has come through.
Bethel likes to say that breakthrough comes in waves, and I have found that to be the truth. I know I highlighted many of the things that had been stressing us out, but just to recap, Paul has been absolutely miserable at his job. I can think of a lot of grotesque words that begin with the letter “D” to call him, but I won’t. I’ll pray for him…right now, and myself, that my mind would be sanctified. Ok, moving on. Paul took off work for paternity leave and we applied for the money, to which we were sent a letter saying we had forgotten a step, and then they needed to contact Paul. Other than that, we were just in waiting mode. Four weeks of no income is not easy on a family that barely has an income as it is. It was a scary time. We also had not paid our final installment of tuition and with that looming overhead, and no money to pay rent, the logical thing to do was to assume our time was done here. And that really sucked.
God has a sense of humor, unlike me, because the day I broke down in my blog, someone anonymously paid our tuition. And I’d like to credit it to my fear stricken blog, but it was paid that morning, before I wrote my blog. So while I was sobbing over having to pack up my things and leave Redding, the Lord had already provided for our school. That was Friday. On Monday, Paul finally got in touch with the unemployment office (they handle paternity leave) where he was informed that he forgot to check off that he had not been incarcerated in the last year! So once we got that cleared up, the money was available to us within 24 hours. Hurray for rent! On top of that, a precious mentor of ours slipped $100 in our bank account to help cover food and gas. His family also heard that we were struggling, and surprised us with a deposit into our bank account the following day. Now this is all going to pay for our rent, our car insurance, and miscellaneous utilities and we may or may not have something to spare. But the point is, we’re paid up. That is a good feeling. And today I got to laugh at myself. I had been hoarding my WIC coupons JUST IN CASE we ran out of food and needed some (and we've had plenty of food, thanks to our wonderful roommates shopping and allowing us to partake!). My poor kids…I have been rationing cheese like crazy. I’ve been popping hands (particularly Paul!) for reaching into the tupperware with leftover chicken because I need it to last. I laughed at myself because tomorrow my WIC coupons expire and I had six coupons left. I had enough to get THREE packs of cheese, two packs of peanut butter, $6 worth of organic veggies, two dozen eggs, a bag of beans, a bag of rice, juice, cereal, and six cans of tuna. It felt so good to pick out that cheese, I just felt that blanket of poverty fall off of me. God is so good! Why do I worry? Why do I hoard my WIC coupons, and ration our food out?? What is wrong with me!? I have never been without. I thought God wasn’t providing for me, but it was worry that kept those WIC checks tucked away for three weeks.
Paul still doesn’t like his job, but he’s trying his best to walk in gratitude. He does feel like the Lord has extended a special grace for him to just keep going. I will ask for prayers today, as he will be going to school from 11:30am- 6pm, and going straight to work as a closer. That puts him home around 11:00 pm. Boo. Not my favorite schedule, but wait, I was working on that gratitude thing, right?
Today I told the kids we could have macaroni and cheese. It is by far their favorite meal but I haven’t been making it thanks to my new position as cheese Nazi. Jake ate his and stopped halfway and said, “Will there be enough for me?” So I cupped his chubby cheeks in my hands and told him the God’s honest truth, “There is always enough for us.” I probably shouldn’t mention how he followed me to the door when I was on my way to the grocery store and handed me two pennies that he found, “Here Mommy, you can use my money for groceries.” My attitude is that I cannot afford food, but do you know what I actually cannot afford?? To teach my kids that God isn’t sufficient for us. So I apologize for breaking down. I look forward to learning how to trust God, again, for the 20,0000th time in my life.
No comments:
Post a Comment