The Answer to "How are you?"

Of course, following an emotion guzzling tragedy, I have wanted to write. Never have I been so grief stricken and lost, and yet also, never have I been so busy. The busyness somehow lends itself to healing, for whatever reason. I have many, many people stopping me at church and flooding my inbox with “Are you ok? How are you?,” and for that I am grateful. So here is a quick paced blog on where I am at currently.

First of all, I was beyond blessed to have really great in-laws. I come from a great family, parents and grandparents that I have always counted as close friends, and yet my mom has often laughed out the phrase, “I swear you were adopted!” Despite the fact that I loved my own family, I’ve always had very little in common with them. I love big boisterous parties with people, rich with tradition and fun, and board games and movies are some of my favorite things to do with others. Not so with my family (except maybe the boisterous parties!). I always said that the Krismanits were the family that I never had, and in so, so many ways they were. The first party they ever threw was an engagement party for Paul and I, and it was flowing with wine and fancy desserts. I felt so out of place, but I learned to love it. I fit right in to the board games, and the various traditions I could count on for each holiday. But perhaps my favorite thing about their family was the relationship that I developed with Doni. The idea that I lost a “mother in law” is foreign to me, because honestly, we were more like chatty school girls, really close friends. Our relationship started when I lived in North Carolina, we could spend hours on the phone. And then when I moved to California, we lived with them for three months. I cannot get into specific memories right now, as that does lead me down memory lane which is now quite drenched with my tears (happy tears!), but I usually talked to her on the phone 4-6 times week, and went to her house on average, 2-3 days a week. I went over to her house because I was lonely, and because she was great with the kids, and they were great with her. I also went because she was my friend, and talking is an energizing activity for me (if you know me, this may be an understatement!), and she was often in the same predicament, alone at home. I loved her so much. It’s been hard to be the “daughter in law,” the friend, because it has been muttered that maybe my grief isn’t as deep since I am “married into the family.” I only have my husband now to legitimize my heart, but she was my best friend.

Then there is the guilt that I carry now because through that season where I was so close to her, I was frequently struggling with bitterness. Why was she so sick? How could she be fine one day, and sick the next? How could she cancel plans with the kids for the second time in a row when she promised she would be there? She got to spend so much time with them, that’s true. But she also missed a lot that she committed to because she was sick. I found myself in the last six months frequently making back up plans after she committed to something because I couldn’t trust her health. I sometimes let it get personal. And it was her fault and my fault. My fault, because I didn’t just pity her, I blamed her. Her fault because she completely ignored her physical state and agreed and committed to absolutely everything! I just wanted to share that part because it torments me a bit. Other than that, I have very little regrets, we were always available to one another and I was as vulnerable as it gets, as was she. There was little lacking from our relationship to one another and I am grateful that I had her.

Mostly, I am at peace. I don’t know why, and I don’t understand how I can just go about my day, and get back to life as it once was, though it will never actually be the same again. I haven’t been reading my Bible, and my prayers are 2-3 sentences at most. I am not angry at God though, He has remained good and sovereign at this time our lives. Paul, as well, never ceases to amaze me. We can’t stop telling stories, laughing about the wonderful memories we have shared with our family. We are blessed that we said goodbye to them with very little regrets, we always enjoyed them and loved them as they were. Though we want them back, we keep thinking “well, if it was going to happen, this was probably the right time.” Doni, for one, gets to be whole now. I am sad for me, and not for her. When she cancelled on me the last time, it was when she was supposed to come to the hospital and help when Courage was born. Her health failed her, and she called me in tears. In tears, I had to tell my kids that Nana was actually not on her way. I rejoice that she is with Jesus. She always talked about Jesus, and loved telling testimonies. I just envision her telling her own testimony to Jesus, a story of a long hard journey where her body failed her continuously, and yet she was always so joyful, so positive, and steadfast in her faith. And now, she gets to be whole. That makes me very happy. I am not as sad for her, though she was my close friend and I loved her more than there are words!

Bethel always says that you cannot make a theology out of “Why?” and I have tried to stay true to this statement while walking this road. Still, I do not understand why Wolf had to go as well. He had open heart surgery only weeks ago and was given “a new lease on life,” he called it. He was also moving to part time employment at the church, and was looking forward to his second novel being published, a sequel to his first. I am glad they went together, yes. But to me, him moving on seems like the greatest injustice of all. It doesn’t seem right. It doesn’t seem fair.

For the first couple of days I was shaken by the injustice of it all, losing both of them at the same time. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs how robbed I felt. I wanted to cry deep enough to feel satisfied and it was not possible. My only guess is that prayers have been outrageously effective. And it isn’t just me, it was our entire family that played, laughed, and loved as we recounted all of our wonderful memories of Wolf and Doni. I do miss them, and there is pain there, but it coincides with a supernatural peace that I have never felt before this time in my life. Maybe I am in shock? I can’t say. Paul and I were talking about our peace yesterday and were even able to say, “At least it wasn’t our children, at least it wasn’t one of us….now THAT would be hard!” The other weapon in our arsenal comes from a famous Bethel saying as well, and that is, “Don’t look at what the enemy is doing, but what God is doing.”

Did the enemy steal something really precious from us? Absolutely.

But he loses. Wolf and Doni are in a better place, they are endlessly happy and blissful at this point, of that I am 100% sure. As for our family, I know that something was ripped open in the spiritual realm and I cannot wait to see the harvest that God is going to produce for our family, and for the county of Tuolumne. It is going to be crazy, in the best sense. I can feel it in my bones. The reality of the victory of Christ screams in my spirit like I’ve never heard or felt before. In the secret place, a small voice whispers “Do you trust me?”


So, I don’t know why I feel this way. But I do trust Holy Spirit on this one. I don’t feel like Wolf and Doni are dead, but that is the reality of my faith, they are not dead but very much alive. For the first time in two weeks I am with the kids at home, making snacks and lunches, coordinating nap times. It isn’t easy or quite normal yet. I also wonder if I will ever catch up on sleep, though I nap at every possible opportunity and have been going to bed at decent times. The hurt makes me tired. But we are ok. We have received the money sent our way and we are SO grateful for the generosity and outpouring of our community. Not worrying about finances has changed the course of this predicament to simply focus on healing. Thank you. We are also receiving messages by the bucket load and it does not overwhelm us at all, we just can’t respond at this point. But I think I speak for Paul and I both when I say that we serve an awesome God and He is good, and His love has been like liquid honey as we walk through this trial. I feel a sense of pride when I think of the mighty, sovereign, and just God that I serve because I know He will repay what has been stolen. And on top of that, I know I’ll see Wolf and Doni in eternity. We all have different ideas of what those two goofies are doing in the Heavenlies, but I just know Wolf is taking long walks with his Mom, who passed away when he was just 18 from a brain aneurysm. As for Doni, the Lord reminded me last night that she had lost a baby during the second trimester in between Stephen and Sonja. It was a little girl that they named Natasha. Now Doni gets to cuddle with her baby that she has missed for all of these years. There are few things (like maybe the Trinity counts as one of these things..) that Doni loved more than her children and grandchildren. I see the pain that is my own and the siblings, and yes, it is ever present. But what God is bringing about as a result of this, the bigger picture is what I am talking about, is just too good to miss.

I look forward to writing an expose’ on my in-laws too, a very thorough one of the positive nature, because there is little else to talk about. They were really awesome people, lots and lots of fun. I miss them so much, but there is a time to weep and a time to be joyful, and the latter season is nigh. Thank you, Jesus, for HOPE. Tis’ the Season, after all.


(Writing a blog makes me feel kind of blue. Every time I would write a blog, Doni would read it and call me. Last time we talked her computer wouldn’t pull up my last blog post and she wanted me to read it over the phone! I successfully paraphrased, I think, since it was so long. She loved reading my blogs, and it always blessed me! I suppose these sorts of sweet memories will follow me all of the days of my life....)