But now, I have a 5 year old. I am watching my job description shift before my eyes. No longer do I change his diapers. No longer do I put a plate of food in front of him and watch him comply 100% of the time. Now he has opinions. I learned about this in Psychology: the self, the id, the process by which a child becomes him or herself. And here it is, my first born is becoming someone that I am getting to know on a deeper level. All of these new things have been brewing in my head as I am learning to step into this new role of not just parent or rule enforcer, but also friend. Now I can say something about my interests, and he can respond. It’s a beautiful thing. Also, in the last couple of months I have become a teacher, one of my favorite things to do. While we were at Disneyland there was a crowd of Seniors gathered around this lunch table, and one girl stood in front telling everyone what to do, where to go, and what time they needed to meet back at the table. I told Paul, “that was me in high school! That bossy girl was totally me.” It surprised me to see that my role has not changed much! Yesterday, today, tomorrow…I will be telling people what to do. I love it. I am writing this blog though because I entered a new parenting phase I wasn’t quite prepared for while we were at Disneyland. Here’s the story:
Jake is into Star Wars thanks to Daddy. When we saw that there was a “Training Academy” to become a Jedi we showed Jake one of the shows and asked if he wanted to join. All we had to do was come back for the next show time. We timed our day just right to be back at 12:15 precisely, only 20 minutes before the next show began so we could sit right in front. The kids don’t get to choose to be in the academy, the “teacher” chooses them from the crowd. Hence why we wanted to be right on the tape, with Jake front and center. Jake’s eyes were wide with wonder when the teacher came forth from the crowd, waving his light saber, and beckoning all of the children to listen so they too can be strong against the force. He asked the kids to stand, for the time had come to choose children for his Jedi academy. Kids stood up all over, waving their hands, jumping up and down, crossing the blue line and consequently pushing Jake backwards into the crowd. We did what any parent would do, we pushed him back to the front. We whispered in his ear, “wave your hands, jump up and down!” He did raise his hand, a little. He jumped, but could not quite get as high as the kid next to him. Time and time again he was pushed backwards, and we nudged him back to the front lines. “Jump Jake! Wave at the teacher Jake!” The powerful, important guy on stage skipped right over Jake. He picked the guy to the left, and to the right, and down the line he went. When he announced that he was done choosing, Jake backed up from the line and slouched next to Daddy. He was defeated, downcast and turned to me and asked, “why didn’t he want me to do it?” It was a new stage of parenting for me. I walked into it clueless, unprepared, and downcast myself. Daddy, in the moment, chose a parenting cliché, “life is full of disappointment, Jake.” I wasn’t really buying it, not that it isn’t true, but because I didn’t want Jake to go through life thinking that just because he’s a little quieter, a little more laid back, and uncomfortable jumping around for something he wants, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he will be subjected to a life of disappointment. He’s just different. I am not condoning being shy, especially since I don’t think Jake is shy, he’s just really laid back.
So I used the only tool I had in my arsenal at the time, I prayed. I asked God to help me reach Jake’s heart. We sat down for lunch and Jake reached into the basket of fries, and devoured them in silence. “Uh, so…you were kind of bummed you didn’t get chosen, huh?”
He sighed, “Yeah…”
My heart was really hurting for him, and actually there was another tool in my arsenal I chose not to employ, it was, “all of those other kids were idiots, the teacher should have picked you!” Of course, I felt that way, but it wasn’t the truth. So I told him about myself, “Jake, you know, I’m not very good at being loud and outspoken when I need to be. Daddy is the same way. We used to not get picked for things too.” I knew I had interested him because he looked up and listened well. I fumbled a bit, but continued, “You’re kind of like that, right? It’s not comfortable to jump up and down and shout when you’re surrounded by lots of people who are watching.”
He nodded, “Yeah, I didn’t like that.”
I knew it, obviously. I tried to think about what the truth was, what it means to be a little quieter, and a little more reserved, it doesn’t meant his life will be full of disappointment, he will just have to find new and different ways to get noticed. So I told him, “Jake, because you are more comfortable being quiet around people at this point in your life, you will just have to do a good job at everything you do. That is what will get you noticed. Strong character, memorable integrity, that means people can trust you to do what you say, and a great work ethic. I already know these qualities come pretty easy to you, and Mommy and Daddy are teaching you the best we can. You will not live a life of disappointment because you are shy.”
I told Paul that I talked to Jake about these things, and he was in wholehearted agreement. He even reiterated to Jake that maybe we could just try again and use a different means to get noticed. He took Jake to the Star Wars store the next day and Jake chose a storm trooper hat as his souvenir. It was pretty ridiculous but he begged. And Daddy is blind even in glasses and didn’t realize it was $5 more than what he saw on the price tag. He crouched in front of Jake and asked him, “Do you want to try the Jedi Academy again? You don’t have to, but if you want to we will try again.” Jake said he wanted to try again. I could tell he was nervous, but he wanted to fight Darth Vader. We found a good seat at the next showing and Paul asked the Holy Spirit how Jake could get chosen, and the Holy Spirit told him to let Jake wear his mask. I didn’t necessarily agree (ok, this was before I knew the Holy Spirit told him to do it!) but I thought it would be pretty ridiculous for Jake to volunteer with a storm trooper hat, if you know Star Wars, the Storm Troopers are actually the enemy! Why would they pick an “enemy” to fight Darth Vader? Jake stood up when the teacher called the children who wanted to volunteer. He jumped a little, raised his hand a little, because we did encourage him to step outside his comfort zone. He still got pushed out of the way by more zealous children, but we helped him step up to the tape again, in his giant storm trooper mask. He got looked over once, and again, I think I was holding my breath. Paul was speaking in tongues and making declarations…we were going to get this thing done! And next to last, Jake was chosen. The guy on stage aside, “You there in the storm trooper hat,“ he laughed, “You can come if you take your mask off!" Jake shook the mask from his head and ran towards the line of other children. He was so proud, and he walked onto the stage boldly to fight Darth Vader!
When it was all said and done, Paul hugged him and told him, “The secret to disappointment is that we come back at it, again and again, trying a little harder each time until we succeed.” He listened with wide eyes and held his diploma next to his heart. I was so proud of Jake, and of Paul and I. We are entering a new season of parenting, one where our oldest child no longer needs us to simply answer his every need, he is waiting with open ears to glean from our own experiences, our wisdom, and open eyes to see what we’ll do in every circumstances. It can be daunting, after all, because this is all so new. But I was proud of how we handled the situation, and it was a beautiful, exhilarating victory to see Jake up on the stage. My bold, courageous, albeit shy, son overcoming evil. A stunning portrait of what I see his life unfolding into. Jake, we are so proud of you.
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