When Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measures: Reflections on Being Single

Today was a strange one. My husband went into work only to find that someone had misread his schedule to him and he actually did not have to be at work until this afternoon. So we changed up our plans with little other option. We decided to go out, enjoy the sunshine, and find something for our active children to do. On the way home I was sitting in the front seat next to my husband and I felt compelled to hold his hand, give it a tight squeeze so he wouldn’t forget I was next to him. Like he would. It would never happen.  He squeezed my hand back, and I couldn’t help myself, I just lunged to his side of the car and wrapped myself around his bicep. I really love my husband. Sometimes in my head I’ll compare him to other guys I’ve known, because the truth is, I could probably have been basically happy with other men I’ve been interested in. But I am not basically happy at this time in my life. I am ecstatically, overwhelmingly, supremely in love. I have no excuse to not believe in God after my love story, because it was incredibly intricate, exact.

I hugged my husband’s arm today because I remember what it was like to be me 10 years ago. The thought came to me because we were at a car show and this really cute teenage girl asked us a question and my husband remarked after seeing her that he was glad I had enough decency to not wear clothes as tight and short as this girl had done. It made me laugh since yes, at 26 years of age, I usually don’t wear “booty shorts.” But when I was that girl’s age, I certainly did not have a problem wearing a bathing suit bottom and finding some extra-small shorts to wear over them, I wouldn‘t even zip them! I would fold them over so I was technically wearing clothes, though I wasn’t covering much of anything. Paul said, “Did you like want guys to think dirty thoughts about you?,” and I immediately responded with a, “heck yeah, I did!” It’s true. I thought if a guy was lusting after me, he must like me. He would want to get to know me. That was before I really understood the way a man is wired. So here I was today, thinking about the way things used to be, and it made me lunge at my husband and hold him in my arms.

The reason I consistently dressed provocatively is not just because I had little to no self-esteem, but because I was obsessed with getting noticed. Because I wanted to get married. That was the goal in all of my “I’m not dressed scantily clad enough unless you can see my belly ring and my tattoo, that is actually in a hidden location” days- to find a husband. Go figure. And now I am married to an incredible, wonderful man who values my modesty. In fact, the one thing he continuously finds unattractive about me is how hard I am on myself. How needy I can be when I don’t feel like I am good enough for him or others.

I want to make a point here, that cannot be missed: I literally believed that no one would ever want to be with me. I was the high school girl that watched all of my friends date the football players and cool guys, and very rarely did I get asked out. My first prom date was just because my best friend's prom date's best friend needed a date. I think they call that a "pity date."  I had endless crushes that consistently got me no where. My husband tries to convince me regularly that I was just out of every guy in my high school’s “league,” and while I appreciate his sentiments, I just don’t agree. I think it has to do more with the fact that I love horses, and being dirty at the barn, and telling inappropriate jokes, corny jokes, doesn't-make-sense jokes, and I talk really fast, and laugh consistently at really dumb things, and I'm obsessed with run-on sentences, and writing poetry (of which Nick Carter was usually the subject), and bawling my eyes out for all Humane Society and Operation Christmas Child commercials. Red dye has been known to make me psycho jump-on-the-bed crazy, and staying up too late has the same effect. Watch out. I also have a quasi-obsession with whales and sharks (I google different breeds in my spare time), and pretty much anything to do with the ocean. Puppies. Kittens. Nick Carter. I love antiques, and anything handmade. I love old people. I just didn't make a cool teenager, no matter how you slice it!

I don’t think I did anything special to find Paul. Sometimes people say that when you stop looking, the right person will land in your lap. That was not how it worked for me. Once more in my life, I was in desperate pursuit for a husband. This time though, I was intentional. I was smart-searching. I was picky. I was praying. This was after I had already had a child from a previous relationship and somehow THAT changed my paradigm. I actually believed that I had something worth sharing with someone else. It took a long time before I realized that SOMETHING was me too!

I wanted to write this because I know where I came from. I remember vividly. Even if my mom would tell me otherwise, my grandma, my friends, whoever- I didn’t believe it for myself until I found Paul. Until I finally learned that just because I have always been, and continue to be sort of an odd ball, God had someone really awesome for me. The coolest guy ever. So if you’re waiting to find your soul mate, you are my hero. If you are hiding your heart away for him or her, don’t despair. You are amazing. You are worthy. God has not forgotten you, just like He did not forget me. I bless any and all efforts. I actually have a habit when I meet single people to just pray for a spouse, agree with Heaven for a soul mate in His timing. There is nothing more rewarding than a happy marriage, in my opinion…nothing better than spontaneous hugs for a good husband, from a grateful wife.