Sweet and Spicy: Surviving a Strong Willed Child

       

       I am not exactly sure when I just knew I was in trouble. My first child, Jake, was easy. He had a tantrum or two, bit daddy once, and it took us a week of consistency to teach him to sleep in a toddler bed. Big deal. Our second child, a daughter, was quite different. As an infant she screamed any time I put her down. When she was 3 months old I ordered a Moby wrap because a friend told me that it was easy on the back and I would conveniently be able to carry her everywhere I went. I ordered the Moby wrap and it came…only it was blue, not the purply indigo I had ordered. I complained and the company was willing to exchange it, but then I would have to live without it for another week while the situation was mended. Wait a week….wait a week…I sobbed on the phone with customer service. You don’t understand people, this child is killing me. Can you overnight it?? I will pay you ONE MILLION dollars!                               
                                            Yep, that's when I knew I was in trouble.

This determination on her part carried over into toddlerhood. We were glorified spankers of our first child (you know, the 10 spankings he has gotten his entire life). Then Sonora met the wooden spoon. After a spanking she would just scream and throw things. We would spank again. There was no heart change from her, just rage. She’s a lot of rage. A lot of fury. I can think of seasons in our lives where every single day, multiple times a day, she screamed in a heap on the floor.
Not now though, or at least, not most of the time. Now she is sweet and lovely, passionate about  princesses and dolls, playing legos with her brother and helping me in the kitchen. Her and I went out to the mall yesterday and then out to Outback Steakhouse for an afternoon snack. She ordered a side of regular fries and another of the sweet potato variety. The “yellow ones” were salty and spicy, while the “orange ones” had a honey glaze. She looked up at me with her big brown eyes and smiled, “Hey Mom, these fries are spicy, and these are sweet.” I thought it was ironic that she had chosen this appetizer for us because it occurred to me that if Sonora was a meal- in whatever hypothetical world my daughter could morph into a food dish, she would be something really, really spicy with a piece of pie on the side. I think there was a time in our lives where she was 85% really difficult and 15% “normal.”. Then we moved onto to 50/50. Now I would say that we have swapped the original statistic. We fight battles 15% of the time….and oh.my.goodness, she can wear two grown ups slap OUT in under an hour. I know there are moms with children that have been coined as “strong willed” and they need encouragement. I totally get that.

I have come out swinging through a thicket of hopelessness, and let me say, I have a feeling I am coming out ahead. Sometimes I’m not sure, but we have had a good year under our belt and have learned what work for us. I am no expert on raising a strong willed child, but I can say that I’ve survived the first three years of mine’s life and I do have some tips. Some of them are straight out of parenting books and I will be the first to give them credit. I should also add that I did not do this alone. I had lots of insight from my mom, close friends, and of course, the experts. Here is what has worked for me:

1) Stay Calm, and Give Options .
This is a home runner in the Love and Logic books- which I highly recommend. Your kid needs to know that they are not “too much” for you too handle. Don’t lose it. Don’t determine that the problem needs to be solved in that moment if you can’t handle it. For us, we made a list of things (ok, a mental list) of what was acceptable in our house. Anything that isn’t, the kids have the option of going outside. Just now I heard hammering in the back bedroom and since my youngest is taking a morning nap I ran back there to see what my children were doing. Of course, it was Sonora beating the wall. I said, “Sonora, you are welcome to hammer outside. Want me to help you with that backdoor?” She didn’t want to move outside, so the hammering stopped. Before this works, you have to follow my number two tip.

2) Establish Boundaries.
This is not the fun part, trust me. But it is the tip you have to follow if you want some authority. Sonora stopped hammering because she knows that if she doesn’t stop beating the wall indoors, I will throw her over my shoulder and carry her to the backyard. It doesn’t matter if it’s raining and 50 degrees out. I will toss her a jacket and socks. She knows that when I give the option, “It’s time to be quiet, or you can play outside,” that if she continues being loud, I will follow through on my end. So yes, I’m going to say it, the famous strong willed child adage- BE CONSISTENT.

3) Decide what’s really important to you.
There are times where I make a threat, and don’t follow through because it really isn’t that worth it to me. James Dobson says that with these kids, you can really just stick to moral issues to do battles over (like hitting, lying, disobeying parents, ect). I fight the “be quiet in your bedroom” battle when the baby is sleeping, but otherwise, not so much. I fought the bedtime battle because I needed time with my husband. It took us about 3 months of teaching Sonora to sleep in a toddler bed without getting up. THREE MONTHS!!!  It makes me laugh now because she gaily skips to her bed each night. I don’t usually fight the clothing battle…like when she dresses herself in multiple mismatching colors. I also didn’t fight the potty training battle with great fervor because she was fighting back. So I backed down and let her do what she was going to do. She is 3 ½ and just now 100% potty trained. Oh, but be warned parents, when the strong willed child does something, they do it with the same determination that they didn’t do it before. She is already waking up in the middle of the night, waking ME up to help her go potty because she cannot wipe on her own. I have whimpered, “just go in your diaper…,” but that is beyond her at this point.
I really struggle the most with this one because sometimes I pay the price of her decision. Like when I don't fight the nap time battle and she’s so grumpy that I can’t take her out in public , or I don't make her change into real clothes and everyone in public is looking at her like she’s homeless.  Boo...you live and you learn.

4) Love them through their storm.
I think if a parenting “expert” saw me doing this, they would call me crazy. There are times when I ask Sonora not to do something, and she gets mad. Really mad. She changes the entire atmosphere of the house. One time I tried this parenting tip. When everything is unwinding in your house, just stop and ask God what He is doing in your children’s life. How does He see your child in that moment? Sonora was raging one time and ran to her room. As she slammed the door, I swear my entire house shook. I was mad at her, but I’ll give credit to the Holy Spirit on this one…I just stopped. I tip-toed to her room and cracked the door open. She was laying in her bed, beating her pillow. I just began seeing her for what she was- a very strong girl, who so desperately wanted her way, but it wasn’t going to happen. That is frustrating. So I went to her, knelt by her side and asked her if we could talk. She wouldn’t even look at me. When I touched her, she shrieked like a tea kettle and I wondered briefly if she was going to need deliverance instead of discipline. I just leaned forward and whispered in her ear, “I love you, baby.” She turned away from me, but I kept on, “I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.” She STILL ignored me, but she wasn’t screeching anymore. I climbed in her bed next to her and pulled her into my chest, “I love you, Sonora. Nothing you ever do will keep me from loving you.” I believe with all of my heart that when we are at our worst as human beings, this is how God brings us home. Not with boundaries, or that word “consistency” or ten commandments. He just holds us and loves us. He understands that the weight of the consequences of the decisions we make are painful. Sonora had driven herself outside the confines of community- that was already not fun. Making a point is not fun. I saw tremendous success in this approach. I’ve done this a couple times now, and both times the fight has ended with her curled up on my lap crying. The worst thing that can happen is for ME to become the “bad guy.” Bad decisions are the bad guy. Bad attitudes. I am the one she can come to when it gets really hard, and the only way I know to facilitate that is to be consistent not just with my boundaries, but with my love.

5) Parent from relationship.
This can be difficult early on, but now that Sonora is 3 years old, it is way easier. I yearn for her to be in right relationship with me, especially when I discipline. When she’s being disagreeable, we’ll say, “You can go to your room (or outside)  and do that, or I can carry you there.” When we carry her away from us because of her behavior, it’s not fun. The first time I put her in her bedroom to “stew” she stayed there for almost two hours. She was two years old. She can absolutely come out when she’s ready to behave, but she chooses not to. Now, after 15 minutes I will go pursue her. “Sonora, I miss you. Please come be with us, our family is not the same with you. I know you didn’t like your dinner so you upchucked it all over the table and I had to take it away and then you screamed and threw your stainless steel juice cup at my face, but that doesn’t change the fact that dinner is not the same without you.” My mom figured this one out with Sonora. Sometimes she is too strong for her own good! Now, if she chooses not to be happy and stay in her room forever and a day, I will go get her because I miss her and she needs to know that. Sometimes she will be grumpy around me but I just keep her close and remind her that she needs to be happy because that makes me happy. In the meantime, when all is well, I am cultivating this relationship with her. Her love language is physical touch, so I give back rubs almost every night.


If you are parenting a very strong child, it is completely doable. Don’t let society tell you otherwise. I think there has a been a big deal made about really strong children- like this “UH-OH- Watch out!” complex, so when parents began seeing their young children act up repeatedly they start feeling that dread that maybe they have a strong willed child. In my opinion, all children have areas where they are strong willed. Even my beyond easy son can be VERY serious about his lego creations getting demolished by his youngest sister, and have a tantrum.

There are the kids like Sonora though, passionate to the core, especially about controlling her own life. The thing a parent of an up and coming strong willed child needs to know is that you cannot control them. You absolutely cannot control them. You just facilitate the environment.

They won’t share their toy with their brother? That’s fine, they can go play alone in their room. Screaming will probably ensue, be warned.
They won’t eat the dinner you served? I usually offer one more option (some leftover I have in the fridge), and if they aren’t interested, they can hang out with us at the table or go play- but dinner is over.
They won’t leave the mall when you’re ready to go? Set the timer on your phone for five minutes, and that’s what time you are leaving. When the timer goes off, they can either walk beside you or be carried over your shoulder. What would they like to do?
See where I am going with this? It’s Love and Logic style. At  8:00, it IS bedtime in our house. If she’s not ready for bedtime, she can go outside of our house.

I definitely have my struggles.  We didn’t start reading Love and Logic until last year, so we’re still piecing it together and figuring out what works for us. But I can say that the atmosphere in our home change dramatically when we stopped fighting her, figured out what was really important (James Dobson logic), calmed down, and made it a passionate point of ours to love her through her pain.
For awhile, our season of struggle was potty training. It was her dressing herself in wackiness. Now those are areas of victory (or areas I just gave up on and they resolved themselves!).
For now, we are stressing about her nap time, which she insists it is time to give up. There is hope, I have found that to be the ultimate truth. My goal is not to change her, but to embrace her strength and help her to do the same. I don’t fret anymore, I just thank God that He was willing to entrust me with such a firecracker. I guess none of us really chooses to eat spicy fries with honey glazed ones on the side, just like we don’t choose to have a strong willed child. Sonora ordered the crazy combination yesterday and I have to say, once I tried it, I found it to be satisfying and addicting, and I couldn’t get enough. I feel the same way about my sweet and spicy little girl who is [apparently] out to change the world. If you find yourself parenting a strong willed child, enjoy it. It is a journey full of challenges, but also multiple miracles and victories. Who doesn’t want to live a life of miracles?

Cultured Grace: The Story of my Life

     
God put this dream in my heart over a year ago for a blog of my own. I love my blog, really. It is healthy for me to sit and rest, reflect and write. To my readers, I thank you. Even if I had no readers, I would still write because, wait, there it is...peace flooding my soul now. 

Several months ago I was peeking in on sauerkraut that sat on my counter and I was waiting on it to culture (or ferment!). I saw the bubbles making their way up my jar and I knew a beautiful process was underway. I don’t know why I formed a metaphor in my head, but I did. It was a day where I was literally subsisting on God’s grace with my children, and with myself. If you don’t read my blog often, I will start off by telling you that last year my husband was unemployed.  We determined we could be poor anywhere, right? So we moved closer to a school and church our family was interested in. I was 35 weeks pregnant. I had the baby exactly 5 weeks after we moved. It was not the most brilliant idea we have ever had, though I firmly believe God birthed it all in our hearts.

Who does He think we are? Superheroes???
       
       Apparently! It was hard. Six weeks after we moved, a crushing tragedy plagued our family. My husband’s parents were killed in a car accident. Not just my in-laws, my precious friends whom I deeply loved. Since this whirlwind I have been recovering from grief, postpartum depression, and an immense homesickness- both for my parents and family located in North Carolina, and a family that I married into, one I will not see again until the other side of eternity. We were probably 6 months past the tragedy and I was making sauerkraut because I was hoping that its magical healing powers would combat my depression and I wouldn’t have to retreat to medicine. I kept an eye on my sauerkraut as the days went on and that’s when I realized that my life looked like this. Really, I invite God’s grace into my life and day by day it consumes me. Every part of who I am, and what I do with my children. The phrase “cultured grace” popped into my head, and I’ve meditated on it ever since, waiting for the URL to be MINE. Here’s to dreams coming true!

That’s my story, my entire story in a nutshell. I am who I am because of His grace working in me. That’s the thing about the kingdom, it grows. Jesus said that the kingdom of God is like yeast in bread…you insert a little, and you get a lot. I think God was thinking of motherhood when He invented this concept!

I used to watch "Supernanny" when Jake was a toddler and Sonora was a baby. I recorded the episodes and watched them during quiet time every day. These situations really spoke to me because I could see that the parents wanted the best for their children and somehow their efforts were incredibly unfruitful. It put such fear in my heart for when my children were older.

What if I do my best, and it isn't good enough?

I felt like my kids were not quite to the “Supernanny age" so I didn't know how I would measure up. A couple days ago I was remembering my old quiet time habit (back when I had a consistent quiet time) and I watched my children play. Typically I am a professional at slandering myself but there was no denying the truth in that moment- I have really great children. Maybe it’s a little early to brag, I get that.  Still, I am taking a victory where I can! I certainly do not have everything figured out…ok, I have very little figured out…but I am doing a good job at this. Wow. I have awesome children who love each other, love Jesus like crazy, and respect me. It’s like I can take a deep breath and just rest in the fact that I’m not doing this alone, His grace consumes what I do. It has from the very beginning.

I have definitely yelled at my kids. I have raged. I have screamed, hit, spanked too hard, and bawled my eyes out in regret. I have been cruel on purpose, parented with fear tactics, and even shamed them. I hate that so much about myself. I used to yell everyday. Now, I can’t remember the last time I yelled. I can’t remember the last time I even popped them, or had to spank for straight up rebellion. That’s the amazing quality of grace- you can do a couple things wrong and still get the results He's looking for. All the while you are learning, growing, and receiving from a good Father. He shows us what this can look like when we take the time to ask. I do not always get quality time with God like I want, but the other day I was getting ready for an outing and sneakily disappeared into my bedroom for four minutes to pray on my knees. I asked God what He was doing in my kid’s lives that day and how I could help. He told me to LOVE them every moment. What a charge! I seriously had to ask what that would look like. To be intentional with my love is to recognize that Holy Spirit lives in me, and when I speak to my children, touch them, look them in the eyes, I can intentionally connect His heart to theirs. I thought about it…what if I really believed that every time I spoke to my children, Jesus was ministering to them? It has really encouraged me to go out of my way to touch them. I scratch their backs, stroke their cheeks, and give them a firm “hand squeeze” as they cross my path. I make it a point to look in their eyes when they are sharing a story with me.

My point is really that I don’t do this perfectly, but what I am intentional with, God will multiply.  Grace is not an excuse to mess up, for you or your children (I am hearing my son’s voice in my head, “Moooom, give me grace!" while trying to escape discipline!), but an invitation to do better next time. It is an invitation to humility and repentance- two very good friends of mine. It is recognizing that wherever you are struggling as parent is precisely where victory is on its way (Graham Cooke wisdom, right there!).

So that’s my charge to you: Be intentional. Keep them alive, and love them every moment (keeping in mind that love sometimes involves discipline). That’s my monumental parenting advice. FYI, it's the opposite of performance parenting, which I would compare to the yeast of the pharisees. Paul says that if we follow the law perfectly, what use is there for grace? I had to insert that just so I could say [as I sit in my pj's, way beyond ever catching up with laundry or dishes or homeschooling], I will TAKE the grace, Jesus!!! Trust me….or trust Him rather. As a mother of great children, I give Him the glory. I look at my kids and have a picture of myself just leaning into, sometimes just resting on what God is doing. It’s not easy on days where an invisible God can get lost in the chaos of raising children, but if you stop and focus, He’s usually right in the midst of it offering all the grace you need to get to their quiet time. And then to bedtime. A little bit of live yeast grows a beautiful loaf of tasty, satisfying bread. Hold out your hand and ask for it, God is more concerned with your children’s future than you are. Got it? Good. Now let’s get to raising children to His glory!
 

Super-food Chili

I don't know what I am doing. Geeze. Why wasn't I born just naturally knowing all there is to know about technology. I am much better in the kitchen, honestly. Which brings me to a recipe. I want to record my favorite recipes, but APPARENTLY they have to be blog posts first. I live by the acronym, "KISS." It stands for, "Keep it simple stupid." You don't have to take it on....honestly.

No kissing in the kitchen though. I really like to be crazy when I cook, and unfortunately for any readers, pretty unorthodox and unpredictable. But at least it gives me some pretty original recipes. Here is a chili we had the other night:

Enough Bone Broth for the portion you are serving (I used an entire quart jar, and then half of another)
Chopped onions, green peppers, and red peppers/colorful peppers
1 pound hamburger
An assortment of your favorite beans (I remembered to sprout mine this time...that doesn't always happen!)
2 cans tomato paste
Cumin powder
Turmeric Powder
4 cloves real garlic
Salt

Add your broth and soaked beans to the pot and cook low for 3-4 hours. When beans are super soft, add a can of tomato paste, and maybe 1/2 of the other can. Throw chopped veggies and hamburger in a pot to simmer together. When the hamburger is finished and veggies are a little softer (but not too soft!), mince your garlic. Put everything into the pot o' beans. Add 1/4 cup cumin powder (maybe less, maybe more- up to you!). Add 4-5 tablespoons of turmeric. Add salt to taste. Simmer for 15 minutes on LOW. Serve it up with homemade "Creme" , Nutritional Yeast, and a handful of cilantro straight from the vine (or you know, the "vine" in the clear plastic bag from the grocery store!).

Thoughts on Memorizing Scripture

I have not blogged in quite some time, and I miss it. I need a nap, but I really need to write. It comes with the territory of being creative- either I do it, or I am changing diapers, doing laundry, washing dishes with thoughts just swirling around my mind in a violent unrest. With that being said, here I am. Typing away, in a daze and already way past my coffee limit for the day!

We started home schooling two days ago and I have actually really been enjoying myself. Paul gave me a swift pat on the back this morning and announced, “Look, you’re a teacher.” I guess I am, after all. I committed to doing this before my kids could even walk. I wanted to teach. I keep seeing adorable Pinterest inspired first day pictures and I wonder if I’m crazy as we all sit around the dining room table, trying not to notice dried cereal and last night’s dinner crusted about. One of the primary reasons I wanted to do this is because I want to minister to my children as much as possible. Yes, they would get this at a Christian Pre-school. I know that, and sometimes I prefer that. I tell myself that a teacher would do a much better job than I am at preparing my children. I am utterly helpless, honestly. That’s why I want to do this though. I want to be in an environment where I am free to fail, and they are too. One of the main components of our day is getting to know God. I put on the IHOP live stream this morning, and we listened and watched while tracing letters. There was such a peace in my heart as I watched my kids listening, and engaging in their own activities. Yes, this is what I want.

I also wanted my kids to memorize scripture. I have a freakishly good memory. However, scripture whoops me. If I want to remember something, I write it out over and over and let the words sort of travel down my arm until they seep into my brain tissue. Maybe it even burns through my retina as I stare down at my page. It works for me, and I knew I could recreate this with my kids. When they were younger, I would tell them a short verse and light a candle. When they recited the verse, they could blow the candle out. Now they are older...no more candles. I chose a scripture to work on this week and found an adorable, spunky you tube video that sang the verse repeatedly. We listened to it 3 times the first day of our school. When the kids were playing later on that day, I blasted the song in the living room. Our verse this week is Phillipians 4:6-7, “Don’t be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God that transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” That was from memory right there! I decided to ask my kids if they even knew what they were reciting. That was a mistake. Jake said, “anxious is what you feel when a bad guy gets away.” Then I asked them what transcends means, and Jake said, “transcends is what you feel when a bad guy gets away.” See? I got no where. I realized something non-religious and it made me very uncomfortable. Scripture isn’t enough.
It took a lot to swallow that. I continued like a drill sergeant, “repeat after me: Don’t be anxious.” Their voices echoed through the dining room. Then I asked them to try to do the first part of the scripture by themselves. I received nothing short of the deer in headlights look.

CHILDREN, I JUST TOLD YOU!!!!  DON’T BE ANXIOUS!!!  

Those little eyes just continued to stare through me and I made a split second decision to not have my kids memorize scripture this year. It’s pointless. It’s as pointless as me writing a scripture over and over again in a notebook just so I can say it back to myself. The heart behind scripture is what I really need. The meat is what will nourish my soul.  Here is what we did instead, we concocted a little "God recipe." It felt so wrong, because I want my kids to know scripture. I feel proud when they can recite a verse. All pride aside, what really makes sense?

I said to them, Do you guys ever get scared? They both agreed that the window next to their bed is really creepy…for whatever reason. So I told them that next time they feel scared about anything, they need to pray. They need to thank God for what He is doing in our family, for his protection and faithfulness. Then, we can rest in lots of peace.
When you’re scared, pray. Thank God. He gives you peace.
I told them about Paul too, that he was a messenger for Christ. He used to be a murderer until God encountered him. I told them that Philippians was actually a letter written by Paul and he sent it to a church.
I’ve known Philippians 4:13 my entire life, the scripture and the verse. No one ever told me that Paul wrote it. No one ever told me that it was addressed to a specific church. I thought Paul wrote it for the Bible to be put together or something…I think I believed this in my early 20’s. The story in itself is so beautiful, and I never knew the history. It took me years before I learned the heart. Even now as I quote scripture to someone, I will fumble with the reference. After sitting with my kids and talking about what Phillipians 4:6-7 really meant, it was like a feather that floated down gracefully into my spirit. It was so simple. Not just words, but a real solution to life’s problems.
I love the Bible, and there is a place for memorizing scripture in my own life. To do it out of duty is what I am negating. To get it in my head and not in my spirit, that is where I say "no more."

Phillipians 4:6-7 tells us that when we’re afraid, it's time to pray and thank God. Then, receive His peace, LOTS of it.

I think my kids finally got it.