Cultured Grace: The Story of my Life

     
God put this dream in my heart over a year ago for a blog of my own. I love my blog, really. It is healthy for me to sit and rest, reflect and write. To my readers, I thank you. Even if I had no readers, I would still write because, wait, there it is...peace flooding my soul now. 

Several months ago I was peeking in on sauerkraut that sat on my counter and I was waiting on it to culture (or ferment!). I saw the bubbles making their way up my jar and I knew a beautiful process was underway. I don’t know why I formed a metaphor in my head, but I did. It was a day where I was literally subsisting on God’s grace with my children, and with myself. If you don’t read my blog often, I will start off by telling you that last year my husband was unemployed.  We determined we could be poor anywhere, right? So we moved closer to a school and church our family was interested in. I was 35 weeks pregnant. I had the baby exactly 5 weeks after we moved. It was not the most brilliant idea we have ever had, though I firmly believe God birthed it all in our hearts.

Who does He think we are? Superheroes???
       
       Apparently! It was hard. Six weeks after we moved, a crushing tragedy plagued our family. My husband’s parents were killed in a car accident. Not just my in-laws, my precious friends whom I deeply loved. Since this whirlwind I have been recovering from grief, postpartum depression, and an immense homesickness- both for my parents and family located in North Carolina, and a family that I married into, one I will not see again until the other side of eternity. We were probably 6 months past the tragedy and I was making sauerkraut because I was hoping that its magical healing powers would combat my depression and I wouldn’t have to retreat to medicine. I kept an eye on my sauerkraut as the days went on and that’s when I realized that my life looked like this. Really, I invite God’s grace into my life and day by day it consumes me. Every part of who I am, and what I do with my children. The phrase “cultured grace” popped into my head, and I’ve meditated on it ever since, waiting for the URL to be MINE. Here’s to dreams coming true!

That’s my story, my entire story in a nutshell. I am who I am because of His grace working in me. That’s the thing about the kingdom, it grows. Jesus said that the kingdom of God is like yeast in bread…you insert a little, and you get a lot. I think God was thinking of motherhood when He invented this concept!

I used to watch "Supernanny" when Jake was a toddler and Sonora was a baby. I recorded the episodes and watched them during quiet time every day. These situations really spoke to me because I could see that the parents wanted the best for their children and somehow their efforts were incredibly unfruitful. It put such fear in my heart for when my children were older.

What if I do my best, and it isn't good enough?

I felt like my kids were not quite to the “Supernanny age" so I didn't know how I would measure up. A couple days ago I was remembering my old quiet time habit (back when I had a consistent quiet time) and I watched my children play. Typically I am a professional at slandering myself but there was no denying the truth in that moment- I have really great children. Maybe it’s a little early to brag, I get that.  Still, I am taking a victory where I can! I certainly do not have everything figured out…ok, I have very little figured out…but I am doing a good job at this. Wow. I have awesome children who love each other, love Jesus like crazy, and respect me. It’s like I can take a deep breath and just rest in the fact that I’m not doing this alone, His grace consumes what I do. It has from the very beginning.

I have definitely yelled at my kids. I have raged. I have screamed, hit, spanked too hard, and bawled my eyes out in regret. I have been cruel on purpose, parented with fear tactics, and even shamed them. I hate that so much about myself. I used to yell everyday. Now, I can’t remember the last time I yelled. I can’t remember the last time I even popped them, or had to spank for straight up rebellion. That’s the amazing quality of grace- you can do a couple things wrong and still get the results He's looking for. All the while you are learning, growing, and receiving from a good Father. He shows us what this can look like when we take the time to ask. I do not always get quality time with God like I want, but the other day I was getting ready for an outing and sneakily disappeared into my bedroom for four minutes to pray on my knees. I asked God what He was doing in my kid’s lives that day and how I could help. He told me to LOVE them every moment. What a charge! I seriously had to ask what that would look like. To be intentional with my love is to recognize that Holy Spirit lives in me, and when I speak to my children, touch them, look them in the eyes, I can intentionally connect His heart to theirs. I thought about it…what if I really believed that every time I spoke to my children, Jesus was ministering to them? It has really encouraged me to go out of my way to touch them. I scratch their backs, stroke their cheeks, and give them a firm “hand squeeze” as they cross my path. I make it a point to look in their eyes when they are sharing a story with me.

My point is really that I don’t do this perfectly, but what I am intentional with, God will multiply.  Grace is not an excuse to mess up, for you or your children (I am hearing my son’s voice in my head, “Moooom, give me grace!" while trying to escape discipline!), but an invitation to do better next time. It is an invitation to humility and repentance- two very good friends of mine. It is recognizing that wherever you are struggling as parent is precisely where victory is on its way (Graham Cooke wisdom, right there!).

So that’s my charge to you: Be intentional. Keep them alive, and love them every moment (keeping in mind that love sometimes involves discipline). That’s my monumental parenting advice. FYI, it's the opposite of performance parenting, which I would compare to the yeast of the pharisees. Paul says that if we follow the law perfectly, what use is there for grace? I had to insert that just so I could say [as I sit in my pj's, way beyond ever catching up with laundry or dishes or homeschooling], I will TAKE the grace, Jesus!!! Trust me….or trust Him rather. As a mother of great children, I give Him the glory. I look at my kids and have a picture of myself just leaning into, sometimes just resting on what God is doing. It’s not easy on days where an invisible God can get lost in the chaos of raising children, but if you stop and focus, He’s usually right in the midst of it offering all the grace you need to get to their quiet time. And then to bedtime. A little bit of live yeast grows a beautiful loaf of tasty, satisfying bread. Hold out your hand and ask for it, God is more concerned with your children’s future than you are. Got it? Good. Now let’s get to raising children to His glory!